Fran Swims a Length

When I was in Cambridge last week I went with my daughter Fran to watch her training in her local swimming pool. As you know, Fran is a Paralympian and is currently training for the Beijing Paralympics. Strictly speaking Fran is training to qualify for Beijing: she has qualifiers in April. Best wishes to Fran for that. We got to the pool at 7:30 am and it opened at 8 am. It takes Fran a bit of time to get ready and by the time she got to the pool it was already pretty busy. However, I was delighted to see that when she got poolside she chatted to the attendants for a few seconds and they opened up a private lane just for Fran. Apparently they do this every time now in recognition of Fran’s devotion to swimming. I could also say it's the least they can do but I will not as that would be churlish. It's a good because of course there aren't enough training facilities in the Cambridge area so people like Fran have to use public facilities. So opening up a private lane for one hour for one athlete every now and again works out to be very cheap: it's very cost efficient. I hadn't seen Fran swimming quite a while and was delighted at her progress. Given her general abilities I would say she swims very well now. Fingers crossed we will all be together in Beijing in September. Set your video and DVD recorders are now! I hope you apreciate the photograph of Fran pounding away at the water in Cambridge taken by yours truly... DW

What's in a strap line?

I love things like this:

 

Our name means a great deal

 

I keep meaning to make a record of all such strap lines but never quite get round to it.

 

Here’s one that is currently resting in the SPAM section of my gmail account: PERMANENT RESULTS that will last.

 

Well, at least you’ve now got an example of tautology.

 

DW

Slate Loose

I know I am opening myself up to ridicule but last night I heard a crash outside the house and thought that something was being blown around the garden: a cardboard box or something. I took a look outside and saw a slate had come crashing down from my roof.

 

Until that point I was completely unaware that I had a slate loose. Still, always the last to know, eh?

 

DW

 

Why buy a new computer when ...

This post is also to be found on the ICT Blog of www.osltraining.co.uk

... your old one is perfectly good?

That self same daughter I mentioned in the previous post told me on arrival that she had bought a new laptop at Christmas because her old one was running so slowly. I asked her to show me what she meant and she was right ... it really was running horrifically slowly. Word took ages to open, web browsers took an age, opening windows explorer was a nightmare. I took at look for viruses and spyware and so on but found nothing.

I took at look at all the services that were running and didn't see much to worry about.

So I thought I'd tidy away all of the software that daughter Fran no longer used. Nothing outrageous and nothing apparently evil.

After an hour and a half or so, however, I handed the computer to Fran to ask her to try to do again what she used to to ... open Word ... she did and found it was now back to the way it was.

You can guess what I said next! Why buy a new machine when a bit of TLC would have (and did) solve the problems?

Here's a funny thing: as I was about to hand over the laptop to Fran I asked her if the battery was OK because I wanted to pull out the power cable to hand it over. She said, yes, as far as she knew it was fine. So I pulled out the cable and ... INSTANT BLACK SCREEN ... followed by howls of laughter from the pair of us!! I checked and found that whilst the battery was 97% charged, it had not been seated properly in its housing.

Mirth, merriment and a newly invigorated laptop computer.

DW

 

Some top tips for the computer age ... or take a breath first

This post can also be found in the ICT Blog section of www.osltraining.co.uk

Two very valuable lessons learned this weekend: one by yours truly and one by someone else!

Predictive Text

Being of a certain age, I have spent the last few years ruminating on PREDICTIVE TEXT in sms messaging. Of course, it's rubbish we all said. Whoever designed that should have been sent to Siberia someone else said.

Well, I was with my daughter this weekend and in the space of ONE MINUTE she showed me how wrong we all are who don't understand and use predictive text. The key is to type away pressing just your key once per letter (not three times as yoiu otherwise do for the letter 'o' or 'i' for example) at a time and then wait until you get to the end of a word, whatever rubbish you think you are reading in the meantime. Once you have got to the end of the word, you will be surprised that for the vast majority of times, your predictive text has PROPERLY AND ACCURATELY predicted what you wanted to type.

Marvellous: that was not a complete user's guide but do read your phone's manual more carefully and you WILL find that predictive text is really very clever and it will probably save you loads of time from now on.

Lesson Learned ... the hard way

Imagine the scene: desktop on the desk, laptop on the chair and your external hard drive containing ALL OF YOUR IMPORTANT DATA FILES, PHOTOS AND MUSIC, is balancing on top of a bin bag containing your dirty clothes. Suddenly yoou trip over a wire and the external drive crashes to the floor. Not bad you think, just two feet or so ... couldn't have done any damage could it? Then again, you have frequently backed up your files haven't you?

WRONG AND WRONG for someone I know ... and no, it really wasn't me.

Two major lessons to be learned: when you hard drive is switched on and running, you can break the drive beyond your ken by dropping it from just two feet. Dropping the drive when is is switched off and the read/write head is parked is likely to do little or no damage ... now I will admit to doing that myself last week, purely by coincidence and I lost nothing.

A major computing crime, though, is not backing up or archiving your files FREQUENTLY. The more files you create the more backups you should do, as a very general rule. I also recommend for those absolutely vital files that you have one backup on your comp and one more on portable media. If it's very, very important then have another copy off site ... at home and at work, for example, in addition to your other two copies.

There is a young man in Bristol at the moment really wishing he'd taken the few minutes a week it takes to back up his work.

DW

Lorry drivers

I wonder whether there is a session that lorry drivers take part in during their training. You know the session I mean: the one in which they are taught how to overtake another lorry on an incline or ever a hill. The crucial aspect of the training seems to be that the overtaking lorry must be capable of going only one mile per hour faster than the overtakee lorry. Otherwise, how could the overtaking lorry block an entire lane of a motorway or other road for what are normally considerable times and distances?

 

Just wondering as I have completed a 650 mile round trip during which I saw such actions as I have just mentioned!!

 

Over to you, lads!

 

DW

China ... anti political

This is a simulcast: on the duncanwil and oxbow blogs.

 

We all knew it was going to come but we weren’t sure how it would start. So Steven Spielberg started it by resigning from the post of artistic advisor to the Beijing Olympics. He’s entitled to his opinion of course and on the one hand we have to admire him for taking a stance in the way he has. However, I wonder if this was just a stunt: I wonder if he took the job knowing that he would later use it for political purposes. If this is the case, then shame on Spielberg.

 

I have no particular candle to burn for any country in this respect but I detested the anti Soviet boycott of the 1980 Moscow Olympics. Then there was a stupid British politician on BBC Radio 4’s Any Questions programme this week who said that it is impossible to divorce politics from sport. It’s people like her who cause far more problems than they solve. By being unable to divorce sport and politics in her own mind, this woman is clearly saying that anything goes. Moreover, if anyone thinks of any link between China and anything they want to talk about, then the Olympics are fair game to be included in any potential action. This is the sort of mentality that ruined much of the Moscow Olympics and other Olympiads.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and you may fundamentally disagree with what I have said. Consider the honest, jobbing athletes, though. What about the young person who has been training for the last 4, 6, 8 and more years to be at the peak of their condition as they try to win an Olympic medal. These people make personal sacrifices, family and career sacrifices, to get to the Olympics. Do you really think that some poxy politician has the right to get in the way of that? I don’t.

 

Here’s a test for you: where is the Republic of Georgia? Could you pinpoint Georgia on a map without studying the index of an atlas for five minutes. Now, can you find China easily? Whatever you answers, here’s the reason I ask. In 2001 I unearthed a story in Georgia relating to the theft of money from pensioners across many parts of the country: thousands and thousands of pensioners were potentially involved. What happened was the nominees of the then President Shevardnadze whose job it was to hand out monthly pension payments would keep 50%of the pensions for themselves. Imagine someone stealing 50%of your income, let alone your pension. Would that be a serious matter for you? Would you want to take action to stop such thefts? I genuinely believe I was the only Westerner to know about this situation and I told my MP about it: he managed to achieve nothing for the poor pensioners of Georgia. I wrote to the Prime Minister, John Major and didn’t even get a reply. I wrote to the Foreign Office ... nothing. I wrote to Mary Robinson at the United Nations, Oxfam, Amnesty International and many organisations whose details I have now forgotten. I chased this story for a year or more and in the end the extent of my achievement was a copy of a letter from an EU Commissioner who said what I had found was terrible but don’t worry, the EU was watching Georgia.

 

So I failed the pensioners of Georgia despite my best efforts. My point here, though, is this. Substitute China for Georgia in the above story and what difference might it make? I think you know the answer. China is large and growing and an important country economically ... and politically. Ay, there’s the rub: China is a threat to other world powers and so we turn full circle to see why China MUST become a victim in the minds of Spielberg and that stupid British politician on Radio 4. Mia Farrow, a second rate actress from years ago, is also anti China and is attracting a lot of attention for some reason with her ill thought out campaigns.

 

China may be doing something iffy in Sudan but consider the following:

 

What iffy things are the following countries doing and what is Mia Farrow, Steven Spielberg and that stupid British politician doing about it?

 

The UK

The USA

France

Germany

Italy

Australia

Canada

Singapore

Brazil

Russia

Kazakhstan

 

You name any country you like and ask the same question.

 

Of course, two wrongs don’t make a right; so my point is, why are these narrow minded people being so selective in what they choose to make a stand on? The answer is, like my Georgian story, where they can extract most publicity for THEMSELVES.

 

DW

Thailand II

Here are a few observations about my trip to Thailand.

I started out in Bangkok (BKK) then went to Pattaya, back to BKK, then down to Phuket and finally back to BKK.

The Sex Trade

On the plane over I sat next to Steve from Huddersfield who was on his way to Pattaya. He is retired and goes to Pattaya twice a year or so for three weeks a time for sex. He told me unashamedly that he will be spending the next three weeks sleeping with 20 year old girls by night and drinking with them or eating with them by day. He mentioned that he might have a different woman every night or stay with the same woman for two or three nights before moving on to another one. When I told him that I had never been to a Thai bar or a go go bar, he was stunned. I confirmed I had never done it and he asked me why. I told him that I never had the need and don’t anticipate having the need to make such visits.

Steve also told me that he has a girlfriend in Huddersfield who knows where he is going and she puts up with it. I asked him how many of the girls in Pattaya will escape by going to live abroad with a man they meet in a bar and then go back to a hotel room for sex. I was told that hundreds if not thousands of the girls escape in this way. He said he went to a bar one night and found a girl knitting scarves ... her British boyfriend was taking her away from it all and she had heard that it was cold in the UK.

Steve was quite proud of the fact that he can sleep with a 20 year old Thai girl with the figure of a model whereas in the UK he said he got messages from an online dating site from women who looked worse than his mother did when she was 92 years old. Cruel, methinks!

Pattaya

I did go to Pattaya and went into just one bar but since I was not alone I wasn’t assailed by any bar girls. I wouldn’t have engaged with any of them anyway: not my style at all. We were treated to the sight and sound of a Thai trumpet player singing What a Wonderful World in the style of Louis Armstrong: he did very well!

We went for a foot massage this afternoon: a very popular thing to do out here. Being ticklish, the massage got off to a silly start! Then it was OK.

I have to say I was perturbed by the sight of some big and fat and ugly foreign men wandering the streets in search of a girl. I realise that business is business but these men are coming from all over the world to inflict themselves on girls who are probably too desperate to refuse to do the business.

After another night in BKK we went down to Phuket: flying with Thai Air Asia.

Phuket

Phuket is a lovely area with glorious weather and beautiful beaches. We hired a car and that turned out to be a smart move for such a short and busy trip. We stayed at the Secret Cliff Resort that was very nice. Lovely rooms in a glorious setting. There were elephants nearby and I went to take a look at them.

This region is as I have described but then it has been turned into Blackpool on the Andaman Sea. Crowded beaches, kiss me quick hats and restaurants selling pizzas, burgers and other western food. Difficult to find Thai food restaurants and cafes here. Looks like we have done to Southern Thailand what we did to Blackpool and then Spain and the Balearics.

Went to a small temple, sat on a beach ... lovely!

Back to BKK

Was taken to a fantastic local restaurant where they serve food in a fascinating way. Good and wholesome food, too, that is far removed from burgers and pizzas.

A full Thai massage this time ... in spite of anything you might have heard to the contrary, a respectable Thai massage is sex free but no quarter is given! I am not sure I am a fan of a massage in general but I enjoyed the Thai massage and the hour during which I was being pummelled flew by.

Went to the north of BKK to a large and very busy Temple that is a bit like Knock in Ireland and Lourdes in France by the look of it.

Flight Home

Back to Manchester with Etihad Airways via Abu Dhabi. We took off on time and I managed to get myself bulkhead seats on both legs of the journey: loads of leg room!

On the first leg of the journey I sat next to a German couple and her television wouldn’t work. She tried, bless her, to get something to watch and after two hours was given a portable DVD player which was hooked up to the plane’s video system. The woman was aghast when she found that the films were only available in English although she spoke English pretty well. Her partner sat watching his own television with nary a care in the world while she was distressed. I should say he did try to help a bit by hitting his partner's television set with his hand at one point: just like we used to do when the "picture tube" on tellies of old went West! Made no difference of course!!

What do you want to watch I asked as I volunteered to let her plug her earphones into my socket ... I would watch her portable DVD player and she would watch my television ... fully synchronised?! I thought she might want to watch something sensible or slushy or even compromise given the huge favour I was doing her. However, I almost reeled in shock when she chose The Bee Movie: a cartoon type film.

I fell asleep to the Bee Movie and remained asleep for much of the rest of it ... how could she choose such a rubbish film? Didn't even say thank you either.

I got home at 9am on Friday having had a good week.

DW

Thailand

I have just spent a brilliant week and a bit in Thailand ... got to go to the shops now, though, so more later!!

 

How’s that for the world’s best blog entry?

 

DW

Manchester United and the Frances Spencer woman (again)

Now, I’ve made it plain enough over the years ... I am far from being a Manchester United fan. I am also as saddened as the next man over the Munich Air disaster of 1958. However, I’m tired of hearing about it. I’m afraid I am becoming disaster weary.  I have been watching the 1958 disaster tributes for many of those 50 years and appreciate how sad it was, how lucky Bobby Charlton and the other survivors were ... but as time passes, the greatness of the likes of Duncan Edwards seems to get more and more inflated. It was a sad event now let them rest in peace.

 

A bit like that Diana woman: at least everyone can see via that complete waste of an inquest that she died as a result of a car accident AND NOTHING ELSE. The salacious aspects of her life are being given a tawdry airing too and even I think that it’s sad that such a thing has befallen her memory. Don’t speak ill of the dead but she was a good time girl, let’s be honest.

 

DW

BSOD

Remember the acronym BSOD? I suppose a lot of younger people don’t know what the BSOD is: it’s the blue screen of death and that screen was often a multi daily event for many of us before Windows XP came along. Only in extreme conditions did I ever see a BSOD with XP: when I did, my laptop died a thousand deaths.

 

A BSOD was an error message from Windows that told us that a massive and usually unrecoverable error had occurred and that we should take notes and solve the problem being notified. Of course, the screen ALWAYS disappeared well before the shock had worn off and well before we had the chance to make a note of the error ... unless the error kept repeating when we did come to be able to make a note.

 

Why Blue Screen? Well, the background of the screen containing the error message was blue and the colour of the font was white ... it’s still the same with Vista!!!

 

Well, shock horror then when I saw the BSOD with Windows Vista yesterday. Via a memory stick in my printer I was looking at some pics when BSOD descended. I don’t really know why I generated the problem except to say that of course all of the pics on the memory stick were then utterly deleted from human view. And no, I didn’t get the chance to read and inwardly digest what the problem was!!!

 

DW

 

 

Hospital 3 ... some regrets

Let this be a warning to anyone who needs to heed it.

I don’t know the other men in the ward I was in in the hospital this week so forgive me if you think I am being judgemental; but there is a lesson to be learned.

One gentleman got cancer of the larynx and had to have it removed: a major operation and now he cannot speak, he breathes though a hole in the bottom of his throat ... and all because he was a smoker. He regrets being a smoker now that the quality of his life has collapsed so drastically.

The gentleman in the next bed is suffering from severe nose bleeds as a result, they think, of very high blood pressure. He is 40 years old and already his BP is 166/118. He said yesterday that he knows that his high BP has been caused by his excessive drinking. He regrets that now and wishes he didn’t have to have massive cotton wool plugs up his nose, bad sleepless nights and nose bleeds lasting days on end.

I will also mention that some of the nurses were quite young but obese: now, I am middle aged and a bit overweight ... when I was in my 30s I was nowhere near obese and couldn’t contemplate such a situation either. For a nurse to be obese is not a good thing and one day they will regret it if they don’t already.

I got talking to an old chap with very red eyes. He had had two cataract operations. The first one went well and he can see again out of that eye with no problems. On Thursday he had his other cataract removed but for some reason a blood vessel at the back of his eye burst and they sent him to Halifax the same day to be sorted out. They hadn’t put a new lens in the second eye so he needs more surgery. Overnight, from Thursday to Friday, his news improved and as I left him today, Friday, he was quite optimistic. He did tell me for some reason that when he was a lad he learned nothing at school and was always being caned for being the class clown. He said he regretted behaving in such away and given his time over again ...

 

DW

Hospital 2

Here’s one for all you Mystic Megs.

When I was 16 years old I went into hospital in Halifax, the Royal Infirmary it was then, to have a right myringoplasty. Sad to say I never had the thing done because when they got me to the operating theatre they found that the ear was infected and they couldn’t do it. So they would send for me again.

They never sent for me again.

Anyway, about a year ago I started seeing a consultant ENT chappie because the ear was flaring up again and that is why I ended up in The Halifax Royal Hospital this week ... the Halifax General as was.

Now this time, I was supposed to have a major rake out and clear up because of the bad infection I’d got in there: a cholesteatoma and possible mastoid infection ... well, would you believe it, they got me down to the theatre, wired me up, put me to sleep only to find that my infection was just about gone and I only spent around 10 minutes in theatre.

What do you call that!?

 

DW

Hospital Stay

I won’t carp on at the negative but I have to tell you this with the promise of better to come.

So, in the Royal Halifax Hospital, you have to pay to watch the television and listen to the radio: each bed has its own special set. The chap in the next bed didn’t know where to buy the card needed as someone had got his for him. So I set off. I got to a desk where there were three people: a nurse on the phone and two chaps, not on the phone. I stopped and asked the two men where I could find the Pay TV Card Machine and the seated man said,

“I’m a doctor, I don’t know.”

Those were his exact words. He got back to his work and when I looked at the other man, he turned his head away as if I’d asked to borrow his wife or something.

 I found the machine with the help of some helpful and much friendlier women thank you.

 

DW

Shouting on the Archers

I am listening to the omnibus edition of the Archers on BBC Radio 4 and have just heard Ruth shouting “Phil ... Jill ...” as she met them at the airport following their round the world trip.

 

Let me say that I am well into my third decade of globe trotting now and I have NEVER heard anyone shouting like that in the arrivals hall at any airport anywhere in the world!!!

 

DW

A Classic

You know that I am still in the middle of a bit of a dispute with Calderdale Council. Apart from that, though, I wanted to talk to them about setting up a direct debit with them. They had sent me a letter asking me to call them on 0800 245 8000 to do the deed.

 

I called that number the other day but they were busy and put me in a queue so I decided to call them back.

 

Today I called back but the number wouldn't work at all and after about four or five failed attempts I sent them an email saying: tried to call you on 0845 245 8000 but it wouldn't work so what would they suggest ... ?

 

Here's the classic part: they sent me an automated reply that said,

 

Thank you for your e-mail.  The matter will be dealt with and, if a reply is required, the Billing Section will endeavour to get back to you within 5 working days.

 

If you wish to discuss the matter in the interim, then please telephone the Billing Section on Direct line telephone number 0845 245 8000.

 

Can you see the number they have told me to call?

 

I wonder if someone will twig what they have done and I wonder if I really will receive a sensible reply from them.

 

DW

The New Scientist

Every now and again I pick up and read a copy of The New Scientist magazine: it’s filled with lots of fascinating things that even the average non scientist like me can appreciate. This week there are articles on the possible illusion of time: that’s universe time not GMT. I got the feeling that some of the work I do when analysing companies and industries is ahead of these boffs in terms of including or excluding time as a variable!

There’s a fascinating article on the world’s reserves of coal that I will be looking at in my sister blog ... you know where it is ... and an update on how they are using advances in technology to strap ever smaller and lighter cameras to deer and whales and things.

Anyway, an advert really caught my eye more than anything: now I know some boffin can write and tell me all about it, so please do; but is this a spoof?

Imperial College London: NHLI PhD Studentships 2008

Professor TM and Dr BL “The role of Hedgehog Acyltransferase (Hhat) in human Sonic Hedgehog (Shh) Signalling

Here is what I think Sonic the Hedgehog looks like!!!

Source: http://www.armchairempire.com/images/feature-articles/Weekly-Top-10/pub-crawl/sonic-hedgehog.jpg

No offence intended, you boffs!

DW

Down the Line

If your sense of humour is as finely tuned as mine then you must listen to the Radio 4 offering Down the Line. Down the Line is a spoof radio phone in programme that last night was just hilarious.

 

They’ve got Disgusted Tunbridge wells calling in, gay blades, dizzy blondes, perverts, military types, that cheeky chappie the London Cabbie ... the lot.

 

Last night they had a theme running through the programme: a purported professor of physics was in the studio and trying to explain String Theory! Well, String Theory is a serious business for serious physicists and engineers so you can imagine the short shrift it received!

 

Another theme they thrashed around a bit was how Dr Who was becoming more gay. Moreover, how Daleks must be gay ... you never see a girl Dalek do yoiu, after all?!!!

 

It was a riot.

 

DW

The love of music

Just listening to Desert Island Disks on BBC Radio 4 and I thought it was time I gave vent to a thought I have carried around for decades and that resides in the phrase, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Why do some people like some music that I think is not worthy? This week’s castaway was Sir Simon Rattle and whilst none of his choices were rubbish, some of them struck me as very ordinary pieces of music that I would never play twice. One piece was the sort where it seems to me that some of the instruments in the orchestra are a fraction of a second out of kilter with the rest of the orchestra!

Jazz, for example, is a complete mystery to me: the kind that they tend to play on the radio anyway and that old men bop along to. New Orleans Jazz, however, is a different story altogether.

Something that sparked this debate in my mind fairly recently was a programme on Radio 4 that invited people along to talk about a piece of music they couldn’t live without ... or something like that. One week that crumbly hippy Annie Nightingale was on and she chose a piece of music that I feel she cannot possibly like. She is a lot older than me, has never had much musical taste and now she claimed that this music that someone from the 60s or 70s who would wear a pin striped shirt and a waistcoat with jeans would listen to and pretend to like ... in his or her mid sixties.

Just a few thoughts

DW

Brown follows the Blogs ... this one

Well, well, well ... you heard it first here. I told you that I thought that Hain, Osborne and now Cameron (UK politicians) had been incompetent in the way they had reported gifts to their pots of gold and guess who read my blog and came out publicly and agreed with me?

 

None other than Gordon Brown, Prime Minister: he went on national television news yesterday and admitted Hain’s incompetence.

 

I’m waiting for a senior Conservative Party person to come out and agree with me over O & M now. They won’t because they are cowards but they should.

 

THIS is the blog to read, no doubt.

 

DW

What a how d'y'do

The news today has just astonished me

Here we are with our serially incompetent politicians and the hired hand claiming he was the hub of a Royal life.

Peter Hain, that former anti apartheid activist turned senior politician, has proven for the umpteenth time in a year how serially incompetent he is proving to be. He fell foul of the need to record the receipt of financial assistance from someone last year and blow me, he’s done it again. Now, I don’t support any witch hunt against the man for what he’s done because I am prepared to believe that what he did was just as a result of his incompetence and nothing more. So let the opposition clowns look after their own serial incompetent, George Osborne; and leave Hain alone.

Hain’s position is safe with Gordon Brown we are told but what about the rest of us? How many more of these self selecting do gooders can we suffer?

Then I had to guffaw when I saw that the hired hand, Mr Burrell, was a primary “witness” at the inquest into the death of Diana Frances Spencer. As former butler to the woman he shamelessly wrote a book on her and made himself a millionaire. He reports that the Queen used to confide in him and now he claims he was the hub of Diana’s life and that she would pour her heart out to him on little pieces of paper in the evening for him to find as he raked out the fireplace in the morning.

It’s all a chuffing great lark out in the big wide world isn’t it? One question that I am sure I know the answer to but daren’t ask the extent of is who is paying for that monstrous inquest? It will turn out to have been the single biggest waste of public money since goodness knows when. We all know the answer and we have known the answer for ten and a half years now. Diana died as a result of a car smashing into a large concrete pillar in a tunnel in Paris. There were suspicions that some odious people with cameras were chasing her car for their own ends and that they helped to hurry her demise. But these conspiracy theories that have been doing the rounds since August 1997 are just laughable. At least Burrell had the decency to say that these conspiracies should stay where they belong: unwritten and unsaid.

DW

Another word or phrase

I was trying to talk to young Master W on Friday evening but as he wasn’t answering his mobile, my strategy then was to call his girlfriend, the lovely Veronica. She answered and we chatted for a minute or so and then I used a phrase right out of the ark when I asked about her “gentleman caller”. I got that from Coronation Street or some such many years ago. I think it’s a quaint and archaic phrase but I have never been sure which inner messages it contains.

 

Of course, gentleman caller possibly suggests a lie or some intrigue; but I like it and I used it innocently in that context.

 

Haven’t used it before for a long time and Veronica never batted an eye lid when I used it and since she is only 19 years old, I doubt that she’s heard it before!!

 

DW

This is interesting ... well, I am fascinated anyway

My aunty Emma used to use the word walt in the context of turning an ankle: she would say that one had walted one’s ankle.

 

I have used that word ever since which basically makes me only the second person I know who uses this word.

 

Since I am working my way through the Oxford English Dictionary, I thought I’d take a look at whether walt exists in this very context. Lucky for me, it does!

 

Walt in this context was first recorded c1400 as meaning

intr To be thrown down, fall over, be upset or overturned; to totter; to lean to one side.

Where Intr means it’s an intransitive verb

 

DW

 

The longest word in English

Did I ever tell you that the longest word in the English language is

 

Floccinaucinihilipilification

 

There you are then, that’s it and it means The action or habit of estimating as worthless. According to the Oxford English Dictionary this word was first written down in 1741.

 

DW

Car theft ... probably final

My neighbour came round yesterday for a chat and he showed me an article in the Halifax Evening Courier that reveals that in addition to my car being stolen over the Christmas period, around 20 other cars were also stolen in my area of town.

 

The pattern was that older cars like mine were taken for joy riding ...

 

I have received a settlement from my insurance company that won’t offset the cost of replacing my car. To get back to where I really was, I would need to have received a lot more than that. That’s our insurance companies of course. I have now lost my no claims bonus as well as my car.

 

I won’t be replacing my car either since I like older BMWs and will not feed these thieves and their pathetic lifestyles. I will walk and get the bus now. I will hire a car when I need one. Until I am ready, that is, then I will set up a security system on my car that will include the equivalent of the medieval man trap.

 

I also worry about the other people who are suffering now as a result of these stupid and selfish people. Have they also really lost their cars because they can’t afford to replace them. Has any of these unfortunate people suffered mental anguish?

 

I imagine these joy riders are sniggering at the police and victims like me now. They won’t get caught will they, unless they crash their cars and are hurt and/or trapped. Another reason they won’t get caught is because it is illegal for anyone to set up their own CCTV system outside their house if the images would include the public highway... which is where my car was certainly parked.

 

DW

Calderdale Council

A few weeks ago I told you about the astonishing decision to take me to Court as a result of their own inadequacies. I paid my taxes in time but their systems are so woeful that they mislaid my cheque for three weeks. In the meantime, they justified their action to summons me because they couldn’t get my cheque to the bank in time so my account was in arrears.

 

That letter came out in the name of the chief finance officer so I replied and asked whether what he had written was Calderdale Council policy ... i opened his reply on my return home last night to find that ... he completely ignored my questions.

 

He is to hear from me further and so might the local newspaper if he’s not careful.

 

DW

Milk and organge powder

I keep forgetting to ask so can anyone tell me why the duty free shops in the airports in the Middle East sell milk powder and concentrated orange drink powder ... by the tonne by the look of it.

 

Who buys and why do they need to take it to wherever they take it?

 

Just curious.

 

DW

Stolen Car Update

No, I haven’t got the car back or anything remotely resembling any progress whatsoever but I thought I’d share with you and advantage of being without a vehicle: this afternoon I walked into town to do my jobs and then I walked back.

 

All told I walked for around 90 minutes, including the 30 minutes of pottering I would have done at the inkjet cartridge shop, the library and B&Q.

 

Let me confess that I went out to walk to the shops yesterday to buy some milk and got to within around 100 metres of the shop I was aiming for when I realised that I didn’t have with me the means to pay for anything. Of course, in the old days, I would have known the shopkeeper and s/he would have trusted me to return later with the cash and I would have gone home with my milk. Instead, as I had cut it so fine, I was unable to go home and then go back to the shop before it closed ... so I had enough milk for the evening and my early morning cuppa but then had to walk to the corner shop just five minutes away before I could eat my All Bran and Muesli with a banana! (I’ve run out of Bran Flakes).

 

That’s almost a top tip isn’t it?

 

DW

Inane questions

I know you’ll think I’m off my chump for saying things like this but I do wonder at where all of these changes to our language and business etiquette are leading.

 

The insurance company just called me to book a telephone interview with me and I was asked a few security and other questions. Fine, but note what else they said

 

She:       For security purposes, can you confirm you date of birth, please?

Me:        xx/xx/xxxx

She:       Brilliant!

 

She:       I will need to know who the last person was who drove the vehicle: was that yourself?

 

My questions are:

 

Why was my answer to the question about my date of birth brilliant?

Why was asked if it was myself who was the last person to drive my car ... was it YOU is what I would have asked.

 

DW

Not normally political

I’m not normally political in this blog but those French do gooders who are now in jail in Chad after attempting to kidnap loads of children from Chad deserve all they get.

 

I find looking at a man with a pony tail a bit of a trial so when I saw one of those do gooders with a sculpted beard and a pony tail I thought, just what do they think they are doing roaming the world looking like that and thinking that they have the right to take others’ children because they think they are better than the children’s parents and family?

 

The story seems to be that the children were being “rescued” from potential misery and death in Darfur in the Sudan. We were also led to believe that the children were orphans. It turns out that very few of the children are orphans and their parents say they were duped into letting their children go.

 

Can you imagine what you would feel like if someone took it into their silly little pony tailed head (on women pony tails can look very attractive!) that they knew best and took your child or children for a life with them in another country to which you will probably never have access ... ? Ask the McCanns and other deprived parents what that feels like.

 

Now there are even more do gooders who are bleating that these people should serve their sentences in France and that some of the sentences were too harsh. Send them to France and they could well be released early. President Sarkozy has already interfered in two such cases since he became President and no doubt these people are waiting for him to hop off to Chad too.

 

Let them rot in Chad, I say and let them think carefully before they do something as stupid again.

 

DW

Further car issue

So, after having slashed two tyres and then waiting for me to buy a new battery, the bleeders have stolen my car. I got back home last night from my first visit to Turf Moor in years and left the car in its usual spot outside the house. When I got up this morning I saw a space where the car should have been.

 

The Plods are on the case and I’m waiting for action from the insurance company now.

 

What do I think of these people? Can’t say in polite society.

 

DW

Drinking top tip

This is not original but it might be a timely reminder for many but possibly too late for others.

 

If you want to open a bottle of wine, make sure you have a corkscrew available.

 

The lovely bottle of wine Dima brought to the Xmas dinner table will be opened today, Boxing Day. Andrew had brought some wine and Guinness so he saved the day as no corkscrew was needed for either of them!

 

DW

Just Rubbish

Have you ever read something that you think have an understanding of only to find yourself thinking that this is just rubbish? Welcome to an article by Robert Scapens of Manchester University.

 

The article is entitled Understanding management accounting practices: a personal journey and it was published by the British Accounting Review in 2006.Scapens went on to be awarded a life time achievement award by the British Accounting Association.

 

Scapens has been around for a long time and in an article around 20 years or so ago I put in a bit about him and his ideas but got no response.

 

The bottom line is that the work that Scapens does falls under the heading of management accounting but  I have yet to find any understanding of the subject in anything he has written. He blows the gaff on himself in his own article when he admits that he arrived at Manchester University many years ago as an accountant with no knowledge or understanding of business and management accounting. I think nothing has changed.

 

That article was utter drivel and as it was presented as some kind of key note address I am thankful that I wasn’t in the audience.

 

Sorry to be so personal but I wasted an hour or so reading the wretched article!

 

DW

A trip to Manchester city centre

A trip to Manchester city centre: my first since around 1992 ... not 25 - 30 years as I said before.

Here are a few images of what I saw in Manchester yesterday.

	Want to make some money at a German style Christmas Market? Grill a shed load of sausages then
	Here is that Santa Claus on the Town Hall ... 150,000 light bulbs I think there are!
	The London Eye? Nope, the Manky Eye! Forgive the pun ... unless you are a Manchester United supporter, of course!
	Here’s a photo of the statue of Oliver Heywood: philanthropist and that, born in Manchester

There are two other key ways to make money at such markets:

Sell beer and mulled wine (this attracts the most customers)

Sell cakes (eg stollen) (this is the third most lucrative venture)

DW

Swamp the country with them

When I lived and worked in Malawi in the late 1980s and early 1990s, I realised that a good strategy would be to help out the country by doing things like swamping it with Lego sets and Meccano sets and so on. I suggested that because I was finding that even some of my smartest students have visual and spatial awareness problems. I concluded that if they had been encouraged to think in the abstract from an early age, it would help.

 

The idea is a big one: swamp the entire country with these resources. Firstly, that would mean that they would have no resale value. I was well aware that the recipients of aid sometimes sold what they were given either because they needed the money for something else or they didn’t want what was being given to them. So, by swamping the market, the resale value would be very low. Secondly, I didn’t think that any one group should be privileged when another one wasn’t, so no favouritism or attempts at setting up a hierarchy of needs.

 

That never happened, of course, because the aid agencies weren’t smart enough to think like that.

 

On another topic but still in Malawi, I also once suggested to a chap from the Food and Agricultural Organisation of the United Nations that they set up a training scheme whereby they train local people to use ploughs to help them with their maize and other plots. Immediately, this goon came back with the problem of financing and maintaining the Oxen they would need. I have to say I couldn’t make him see that they didn’t need Oxen to drive the simple plough that I was talking about and that Piers the Ploughman had used in Medieval England! I walked away from him in the end as I couldn’t stand to think that this oaf was responsible for so much misery with his ridiculous ideas. It’s still the case that the FAO gives away mountains of food aid when what people need as much as anything is the wherewithal to feed themselves. Of course, I realise that there are problems with teaching a man to fish ...

 

Now, what got me on to all of this? Well, I talked about this sort of thing to one of my neighbours the other week and today he brought me an article from The Halifax Evening Courier of 5^th December 2007 in which it says that Bart Spicer of Sowerby Bridge is trying to convince all 17,500 primary schools in the UK will buy and use a product from Holland called Brickadoo ... which is a building toy comprising bricks and so on similar to Lego but with significant differences ...

 

Yet again, you heard it here first! Well Done Bart, of course.

 

DW

 

Soupy top tip

When eating soup and using a laptop computer, don’t spill the soup onto the keyboard.

Please note, this hasn’t happened to me: Suzy inspired this top tip. Suzy revealed this top tip during a posting in the discussion on a Word forum.

Thanks Suzy!

DW

Revision of top tip

When I published my previous top tip relating to refraining from driving or riding over broken glass, what I didn’t realise was that my flat tyre on Saturday morning was linked to the flat tyre on Monday morning. Some really clever low life put a knife through them ... and my neighbour’s tyre.

 

Oh these so smart people. Cost me £160 that and I can only hope it stops.

 

DW

Named after

Those clowns at the BBC have now had Peter Snow use some AmerEnglish in the answer to a question in BBC Radio 4’s Brain of Britain programme: something was “... named for Mr X ...” In proper English that means that something was named AFTER Mr X. I’m surprised that Snow actually read it out too.

DW

Top Tip

Here’s yet another top tip for you.

Don’t drive any one of the wheels of your car (or bike or even aeroplane) over broken glass.

Still, repairing the puncture got me out of the house at least.

DW

Congratulations!

Dear Mike,

 

I am a convert. I have to confess that when you first appeared I thought, hmm, another American making money out of the misery of others. Nothing to say but platitudes and setting yourself against George W because he’s an easy target.

 

Having just watched Sicko I wanted to write to you to say that I was wrong. I was amused and amazed by Sicko, you brought tears to my eyes at times as you took those unfortunate 9/11 heroes to Cuba. I was stunned at how even in the US people are effectively being denied some of their human rights.

 

I have to say I wasn’t surprised at how senators and congressmen and a president had been bought by the pharmaceutical industry: I am surprised at nothing these people do any more; but good for you for having the gall to tell us what has really happened.

 

I am a Brit and I was proud of the way you portrayed the NHS. There are problems with the NHS of course but they pale into insignificance when set against what is happening in the US.

 

This letter is going on my blog and I will be watching what you do from now on. I am saddened by the realisation that I have missed so much of what you have had to say. The good news is, though, that I can catch up now.

 

Best wishes

 

 

 

Duncan Williamson

 

AmerEnglish Logo

I've developed an AmerEnglish Logo: it's all my own work and whilst I have put a copyright sign on them, you are free to use the logos providing you don't alter the diagrams or the copyright statement in any way. The logo is a stylised representation of a baseball cap in case it isn't obvious!

Shhhhhh ...

It’s happening more and more, that shibboleth issue.

 

I wrote a few days ago about how BBC reporters and news readers are now pronouncing the letter ‘s’ in the style of someone from certain parts of the USA. For example, I pointed out that we can hear street rather than street. Here’s a new one:

 

Mark Mardell, that unkempt and rather rotund BBC Europe correspondent had now gnarled the letter ‘s’ in the other way that Americans use: he said expertise in a recent report but he pronounced it as experteece. When he comes out with massooce as opposed to masseuse, then I will switch off BBC News for ever.

 

I still ask, who is taking the decision that reporters and news readers should speak like this and when and how are they taking the decision? I want to talk to whoever it is.

 

Still, it could be worse: they could have reportser and readers wearing baseball caps at a raunchy angle couldn’t they/

 

Finally, I am not anti American at all: rather I am anti the AmerEnglish that is becoming more widely used by the BBC and many others in the UK.

 

DW

Capello for England ... for a while

Even I was surprised by the immediate twist that the Capello for England story has taken on DAY ONE. I read in The Times yesterday that the bookmakers have already opened a book on whether the latest England football manager will still be in the job in a year from now.

 

Who are these people? With Steve McClown, we ALL knew that someone who has never achieved anything greater than mid table premiership success and whose personality is clearly far from ideal as a go ahead world beater would fail.

 

Apology

 

I have to make a correction in McClown’s favour too: I simply repeated a headline from a couple of weeks ago that McClown was England’s worst ever manager. That was wrong and I was wrong to repeat it. Kevin Keegan is the worst England manager ever, with a win rate of just 39%. McClown was at least 10% better than that and he didn’t even come in as second worst!

 

DW

The new England Football Manager

I’m sure I read somewhere that following the demise of that oaf Steve McClaren, the English Football Association was going to have a root and branch review and look far and wide for a new manager of the England football team. Well, all of about three weeks later they’ve got their man. Astonishingly fast workers these people at the FA. Why astonishing? Well, since we won the World cup in 1966 we’ve hardly been that blessed with success have we? The found McClown in about three days. Don’t give me semi finals here and quarter finals there because we all know a lot of that level of success has come in the usual England fashion as other teams fell by the wayside and England squeaked through.

 

I don’t know the gentleman replacing Mr McClown but he simply cannot be any worse. After all, it was written that McClown is the worst England manager ever: perhaps the fact that they called him the Coach rather than the manager was the start of his downfall? We need to worry too now that Sven Goran Eriksson is doing so well at Manchester City after such a lousy time as the England Manager (or was he the Coach as well?). Again, someone will point out the number of wins and semi finals and such ... the truth is, the England team cannot play proper football and whatever the results said, we were not happy with the style under Sven any more than the quality under McClown.

 

The England team is filled with players who have no idea of team work: no idea of how to work out ON THE PITCH how to cope with a situation they weren’t expecting. I don’t want to hear people like Gerrard and Lampard telling us that they’d die for their captain John Terry when they patently will not die for their fans. I watch every England game and say the same thing every time: where is the new Alan Ball to hound his team mates? Why can’t we have someone like Roy Keane who gave his all every game, albeit for Scabchester United? Look at Scotland the other week against world champions Italy, they fared very well I thought and I was sorry they lost.

 

I overhead Peter Reid as we boarded a flight to Dubai from Manchester just after the Croatia debacle say that he felt he could play better than half the England team even now. At least they could give it a go, he then said. Everyone within earshot nodded at that. Reid caught our mood exactly.

 

I’ve said it before and let me say it again: a dead Brian Clough and an aged Jack Charlton would be preferable to someone like McClown. Never again, please; and if this new gentleman proves that success with England is still not a possibility then these people at the top of the English FA must do the decent thing and beggar off themselves. I for one would go down to Lancaster Gate and suggest such a thing if they can’t think of it for themselves.

 

DW

I didn't know

You know I’m in Khartoum. I’m staying at a very run down Hilton Hotel: it’s being refurbished now and it clearly hasn’t been redecorated since the 1970s. My room overlooks the Blue Nile and the view is lovely.

 

I’ve been busy and haven’t had time for sight seeing so I decided to make the most of my last evening here and set off for the Mogran ... the confluence of the White and Blue Nile. I walked and thought better of it even though I knew it was near the hotel. I didn’t want to walk into any nonsense but couldn’t see the White Nile although I knew where I was vis a vis the Blue Nile.

 

I back tracked to the taxi I had seen earlier and bold as brass got into the taxi even though I could tell by the driver’s body language that he really didn’t want to take me. We set off. He laughed when I tried to put on the seat belt and failed. It jammed half way out so I told him to be careful and he laughed again as if he understood! His driving skills were, erm, limited. We went to a very busy intersection and he asserted himself. Still, we survived and apart from being overtaken by the most appalling looking taxi apart from the one I was in, the very short journey was then uneventful. We got to Al Mogran Family Park and the driver accompanied me to the ticket office (that is NOT the box office). It cost me two Sudanese Pounds to get in and I asked the ticket seller to ask the taxi driver to wait but again I sensed something akin to reluctance. I’m afraid I ignored the driver's plea and strode on. Well, I might have been wrong and he laughed again once I got back and tried to put the seat belt on again.

 

Just as I got right to the end of the park I was despairing of ever seeing the White Nile let alone the confluence. All of a sudden, there it was. The sight that the vast majority of people on this planet have never seen: where the two Nile rivers meet. I started taking snaps. Bill Gates came in for some stick as my camera (Windows operating system I’m afraid) hung twice. Anyway, I took around 10 – 15 pictures and was happy.

 

Then a policeman came up to me and opined not to take photographs. I apologised and moved on: to leave the park. I had been careful especially not to include any women in my pics. Half way towards the exit I heard someone shouting and thought, that’s for me. I ignored it and walked briskly on but they caught up with me. The Policeman and a colleague. I was told to accompany them. I did. We met up with three more men, all in plain clothes and they exchanged a few words including camera, photographs, video.

 

The two original men left and I was told to follow the new three and they took me into a room and made me sit. I pondered at my plight at this stage. I offered to delete all the pics but was advised to sit down after which I said nothing. Their English was about equal to my Arabic. They took my name and nationality and since I didn’t have my passport with me, couldn’t hand that over. Then they looked at every photo in my phone/camera and after a discussion during which I got the impression that hard cop wanted me in the cells whilst good cop wanted me to go free, they let me go free. They handed back my phone and one said in English that to take photographs there I needed a permit but I was OK this time.

 

I apologised and said I didn’t know. I shook all three hands and left. They hadn’t deleted any of my pics and I was grateful for that.

 

I wonder what they made of the photograph of one of my socks drying out on the top of a lamp shade? You can have a copy if you want

 

DW

Boastful?

Was I too boastful in my post of yesterday when I told you how I solved my flights to Dubai problem at Schipol? Well maybe as there was a pay off: my suitcase didn’t arrive at Khartoum International Airport with me. Given my time of arrival, I have not been able to go and get any replacement clothes, deodorant, shaving tackle ...

 

It pays to keep one’s mouth shut.

 

DW

 

 

World Accountancy Week

Did you know that last week was World Accountancy Week The week was organized as part of the International Federation of Accountant’s 30th anniversary activities: it ran from 2^nd – 8^th December 2007.

 

I don’t know what mega event took place where you are ...

 

DW

Travelling again

I can be like the rest of us: a sheep in the flock of the airlines. Last night, however, was different.

 

I am currently on my way to Khartoum and was starting my trip with British Airways in Amsterdam. I get to airports early when I am in charge of my arrangements and had a fellow traveller with me who is equally keen to start his journeys early: Dr John Waterhouse, a fellow Tyke. John’s flight to Gatwick was scheduled for 1850, mine to Heathrow at 1915. John’s flight took off on schedule. I then went to go to my gate to find the flight had been set back to 2015 ... strong winds over the UK. I harrumphed, of course; but that wasn’t serious as there was some slack in my itinerary.

 

I ate a slice of pizza and had a coffee.

 

I then saw that my flight had been set back even further, to 2100. That was far too tight for my comfort so I took a decision, having found that KLM was flying to Dubai, the second leg on my four leg journey, to try to be transferred to the KLM flight.

 

I went to the KLM transfer desk to establish the principle of what I wanted to do. I was advised that I would need to buy a new ticket. Yeah, right, I thought! I went for a LONG walk as I went back through passport control and back to the BA check in desk, the only place where I could find any BA staff. The young ladies there were enjoying a slack Friday evening as I arrived and they initially tried to convince me that I should wait to see what happens. I set out a nightmare scenario of the flight being delayed yet again, by as little as just 20 minutes ... and at that point they called someone which led me to being sent 30 metres across the hall to see a man about ticketing. I was expected. I got some griff about not travelling tonight, we will rebook you for travel tomorrow ... I said I’ve got connections to make and he made the valid point that as far as BA was concerned, my journey ended in Dubai. I then said, not for me it doesn’t. I then told my man that KLM has a flight going to Dubai at 2050 and he immediately said, let’s see if we can get you on that then. And he did! And here I am, sat sitting here in Dubai all checked in and waiting in transit to go to Doha for my final flight to Khartoum. Where, of course, Corporal Jones of Dad’s Army fame spent part of Sudanese Campaign in the late 19^th century!!

 

DW

Clever?

Saw this in an advertisement for a tee shirt for an accountant:

 

It’s Accrual World

 

Clever that!

 

DW

What would you do?

A delegate told the group today as we were discussing financial modelling that for his dissertation at University he developed an aeroplane scheduling package for an airline. The airline up until then was scheduling its aircraft using pencil and paper and he felt he could help. His model worked and he graduated. He then offered his model to the airline who said thanks but no thanks. He then said, however, that his supervisor suddenly left the university to go and work for Turkish airlines in a senior position and hasn’t been seen or heard since!

 

Coincidence? What do you think?

 

DW

Comedians at the BBC

It’s getting worse and worse at the BBC now.

 

I have noticed over the last couple of weeks or so that reporters on the BBC have decided that they need to sound their letter S as if they are from some of the central and southern states of the USA, not content with mangling their prepositions and adverbs. This means that an S becomes an Sh ... I heard these today on BBC 1:

 

Shtreets

Exshtreme

Bus shtrikes

Shtruggle

 

Is there a college for language clowns at the BBC now? Can they not take the opportunity to keep the British in the British Broadcasting Corporation?

 

DW

Amsterdam

It’s been a long time since I have been in Amsterdam, 1998 it was and I had forgotten how tall people here are: men and women alike. Now, you know that I am 1.91 metres tall which is pretty tall but I am walking down the streets here and am coming eye to eye with many men and just a few women. Of course, since I learned last night that Holland is the second tallest group of people in the world after the Masai, this should come as no surprise. Moreover, I am also coming eye to chin with some men, too: my eye, their chin.

 

We went on a canal boat tour last night and I haven’t done that since 1998 either. This is a very relaxing way of seeing a city and there are lots of canals to go at. The way these canal boat captains get them round very tight corners is impressive: seamlessly going forward then back then sideways and then forward again round 90 degree corners ... well done!

 

An interesting fact is that there are spaces for 2,500 bicycles outside the Centraal Station (railway); and nearly all of them were taken last night.

 

Speaking of bikes, you really need eyes in your rear end as a pedestrian here: other pedestrians, cars, motor bikes and bikes are all a threat. There are bicycle lanes in some towns and cities in the UK but nothing like this. Moreover, cyclists clearly have right of way either by law or by size and speed so getting in their way isn’t something to be advised I’d say. Add the size of the Dutch to the size of a roadster bike then add speed and confidence and you’ve got the value of ‘C’ ... crunch!

 

DW

Christmas firsts

Here I am sat sitting at Manchester Airport waiting for my flight to Amsterdam via Gatwick and let me record for the good of humanity that I have heard my first renditions of the following songs for 2007:

 

Wham: Last Christmas

Slade: So Here it is Merry Christmas

Paul McCartney: that awful one

An animated version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Various Artists (you know, the has beens and not the first lot): Do they know it’s Christmas?

 

Now, my Christmas season starts on 1^st December so I am not complaining and I have already started to listen to the Christmas songs on my hard drive but I haven’t got to my 3 CD 60 tip top Christmas songs yet: Wham and Slade are definitely there!

 

DW

Windows Vista

Is Windows Vista very fast? Fair question since that is one of its selling points. Nope, not according to the first two weeks that I’ve been running it on my new duo core Turion64 chip with 2Gb of RAM and 250Gb hard drive laptop. I expected a blistering booting speed and haven’t got it. I expect Office to open up like lightening but  have seen it only in fits and starts. Automatic saving in Office can be annoyingly slow with large files too.

 

I have also been experiencing software crashes that I would have thought would have been more rare. On day one I had one. I have had one on average every other day. Yesterday I went to start Windows Media Player ... it wouldn’t start either by using a short cut on the desktop or by clicking directly on an MP3 file. After just two weeks, then, even Windows’ own software is unreliable.

 

I expect these crashes to be sorted out eventually and appreciate that as a relative trailblazer that I would have these experiences. Still, Microsoft has been around for 30 years or so and I read that they have spent $8,000,000,000 on upgrading Windows and Office to get us to Vista and 2007. Where has it all gone?

 

DW

This is a true story

I stayed in the excellent Sheraton Corniche in Abu Dhabi and I feel it is among the best hotels I have ever stayed at: although I didn’t get the chance to use the facilities at the hotel beyond the basic, I took a walk around the swimming pool complex and it is brilliant. They haven’t gone for a simple rectangular affair or for the Olympic size look and feel. They have gone for a mixture that suits the serious swimmer, the paddler and the child. Having said that, the serious swimmer looking to do 100 lengths before they open their eyes in the morning would be disappointed. But for the family and someone just looking to recharge their gills and fins, perfect.

 

I did my four days’ worth of work and left to spend the last night of my current trip to the Emirates in Dubai. The taxi driver was good until we got to around 20 miles out of Dubai city centre and then we hit the traffic. A door to door journey from one hotel to the other should have taken 90 to 105 minutes according to the distance and the speeds we were able to clock up. We were on target for that until those last 20 miles. Instead of arriving around 7 pm, then, I actually checked in just before 9 pm. One thing that puzzled me was the number of people going INTO the city. Normally, people LEAVE a city in the evening to go home so who, apart from people like me, are these people who feel the need to get in my way in the evening?

 

I was heading for a hotel I had never stayed at before in a part of the city I had not been to before. The taxi driver’s English wasn’t that good so we couldn’t communicate that well and he didn’t know Dubai at all either. We made no headway and speaking to someone at the hotel in Arabic didn’t help: he just didn’t know the city. We got to within a gnat’s nadger of the hotel but then a one way system cut in to make matters worse. Then the driver did something extraordinary: we got to what would turn out to be within 100 metres of the hotel but he decided to turn right instead of taking a U turn and we ended up in a maze if not a rabbit warren of back streets. I made him return to where we were within 100 metres of the hotel and I got out. All nice a friendly but I could see that leaving the car and letting the man go back home was the best option for both of us. The hotel called me and I told them where I was and they sent out a search party for me: very kind of them don’t you think? As it happened, I spotted the hotel before the search party spotted me and all was well.

 

I was festooned with staff once I got into the lobby: honestly, at least 8 people started to look after me. It’s a new hotel and they were clearly learning their systems and trying out their customer service training.

 

Despite the fact that I am a little deaf I am very sensitive to night noise, especially in an unfamiliar environment. Even thought the room was big and comfortable, there was a lot of traffic noise, aircraft taking off noise and lorry reversing noise. The hotel is smack bang along side one of the new Metro stations and there is construction work going on 24 hours a day: they were making deliveries of materials all night, hence the lorry noise.

 

I woke up around 2:45 am and then was kept awake by the noise for an hour or so. Then again, young Master W felt the need to send me a text message so bing, bing, the mobile phone screeched out at 3:15 ... we then had a text message conversation which began with the clot asking me for the answer to a question we had SPOKEN to each other about just a few hours before. During that conversation I thought he had understood that I would be giving him the answer to the question in a WEEK or so.

 

I went back to sleep and slept until just before the alarm went off at 7am. Good! Showered, closed the cases and headed off for breakfast.

 

There then followed a massively stressful event as I asked the hotel to get me a taxi at 7:40 and then tucked into my milk, cereal and fruit. I checked out and was told to wait as the taxi wouldn’t be long. At 8:10 or so I insisted on being involved in the taxi procurement process and was sent to the back of the hotel where the young lad hunting down the dratted thing was standing behind the hotel, in a quiet back street ... absolutely no chance of getting one in my opinion. I asked him to phone for a taxi, which he did. I couldn’t stand it though and after 5 minutes said I couldn’t wait there any more and asked where we should go to try to guarantee greater success. I led the charge: I am 1.91 metres tall and he was around 1.65 metres tall at a guess. So I was always well ahead of him.

 

We then stopped and started and ended up on a busier but no more fruitful street. I really didn’t know what to do. My helper was keen and willing but unable to help me. He didn’t know which bus, if any, I could get to the airport ... I called the office and they did their best and promised to mobilise a car; but that would take 15 – 20 minutes to reach me.

 

I then moved on a little more and within a minute I was ensconced in a taxi. I said to the driver, thank you very much but I am in a very, very big hurry. It was now 8:50 and my flight was leaving at 10:10. See why I was in a crisis mode and had been for the best part of an hour?

 

The driver really put his foot down for me and we had a lot of unusually clear tarmac to go at. We did it and he got a big tip for his pains. He did tell me though that yesterday, a colleague driver picked up a fare of someone going to the airport and because of the traffic he got to the airport at 9:30 for a flight time of around 10:00 and ... missed it. Just what I wanted to hear.

 

I got there, then, checking in with around about 15 minutes to spare. As I checked in, though, there was another chappie checking in at the next counter and he had a pipe with him: a deer stalker type pipe and that set me on edge for a second as I have just finished reading a Kathy Reichs book in which an aeroplane was brought down when a pipe smoker stuffed a smouldering pipe inside a duffel bag that subsequently caught fire and caused an explosion!! I am typing this at 38,000 feet over Frankfurt with around 1 hour 05 minutes to go to landing at Heathrow so it looks as if we have got away with that one then!

 

DW

 

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