Well, he did ask!

I was asked what I thought about the World Cup in South Africa. I'm afraid I got a bit bilious and here is the cleaned up version of what I said!

I have seen very little of the WC. The quality of reception in central asia is poor even though there's a dish supposedly pointing at Dubai on our roof. Happily I saw only a fraction of just one of the England games. They are a disgrace and have been for years. Abysmal players who earn vast fortunes and strut the world as if they know what football is. In truth, they are all just looking for the next woman to get to grips with. When they get caught with some tart, the wife throws up her hands in horror, runs off to their house in Dubai (they've all got one). He then tearfully takes time off to fly to our favourite Emirate to beg for forgiveness. The nation holds its breath.

The wife is now firmly ensconced as the injured party and is given celebrity status as a singer or actress or model ... they get to choose. In the case of that B****** slapper, she can design cars cos the world is populated by men who "know" cars cos they can tell their quality by kicking a tyre in a car show room.

Some players are clever. one player has just engineered a scam by having a sex scandal "erroneously" sent by text to many people. In horror he contacted the newspapers ... lies, lies he says. This oaf is now in the clear to spread his seed all over the delights of his district. Saves worrying about the football cos that Itie is taking the rap for that gaff!

DW

How about this?

A man came to the door the other day and introduced himself as the provider of a certain type of service. He wanted to know whether I might be interested in using his service. He gave me his business card which had this fantastic epithet on it:

The very best in Natural Light Improvement Technology

Now, what do you think the service is?

Answers on a post card please or even electronically.

DW

Weight Lifting Top Tip

Never let someone who works out with weights change a light bulb for you or you will find it in a thousand pieces on the floor rather than in one piece in the light socket.

Another top tip from yours truly!

DW

Time to get behind your team: England

Let's call for a ban in the England team of anyone who believes they are any good. The current team is filled with people who have no idea of how bad they are and yet they manage to cream off as much as £150,000 a WEEK in pay. The English Premier league is a decent league and is often touted as being the best in the world. We are told that some of our players are the best in the world.

Piffle! There is no one in the current England set up who can be classed as anything like the best in the world.

• Terry: yes, he is prepared to have his face kicked in
• Rooney: yes, he runs and is fearless
• Gerard: erm, what? who?
• Lampard: preferred his dad
• James: he draws a pension, yes? Straight from the WORST side in the Premier league and prone to error

We are probably going to dismiss a good manager now when it is the players and their woeful skills and abilities who should leave.

So, get behind the team and give it a right royal heave out of the ground. Let's start again with some decent players.

DW