Spelling

Another simulcast (I know it's nothing like a cast let alone a simulcast but I like the word!)

 

I went to the post office the other day to buy a postal order (remember them?) to pay for something at Companies House.

 

The young lady behind the counter dutifully advised me that there is commission to pay on postal orders which I gratefully acknowledged. Then she asked me if I would like a name to be put onto the order and I said yes, 'Companies House'.

 

She repeated 'Company House'; and I felt a sense of anguish: did she hear the singular or plural? Should I say something. I argued with myself that they must receive all sorts of oddly named cheques every day and would sort out the problem. I waited.

 

Then it arrived: a postal order for £10 plus commission of £0.88 made out to Companys House. I thought I might complain but then thought that such a cancellation of a postal order might cause the young lady a small amount of inconvenience and trouble so I moved on and said nothing.

 

Now, of course, if the thing comes back to me that could cause me and my client a problem.

 

Isn't it fantastic to be so English?

Duncan Williamson

I tried to publish this on Sunday, I SAID IT TRIED TO PUBLISH THIS ON SUNDAY. If you like big words and complicated things, then hear this. I said HEAR THIS! That's a joke, as you'll see. Went to the hospital the other week as I said and I got a copy of the letter from that quack to my GP quack that tells me that I've got a right cholesteatoma with a large aural polyp and a degree of posterior canal wall erosion. My left drum is grossly retracted posteriorly with an incudo myringostapediopexy present. There is a limited attic retraction with clearly visible limits also on the left. The right ear is fistula negative and the facial nerve function is normal. Pardon? DW

Here's one of life's top tips that you would do well to heed. When you leave the house and you are the only one living there, make sure you take the keys with you that will get you back into the house again should you, wisely, lock the house if you are wandering, say, a couple of miles away on foot and/or for a lengthy span of time, say an hour or more. What's so top tippy about this? Well, I left the house late yesterday afternoon with a bit of stress as I was running around like a baf trying to ensure that an official letter was posted along with 30 accompanying letters. I took a set of keys with me. When I got home I found the keys in my pocket and they were, erm, the car keys. I searched every pocket three or four times but could not turn the car keys into house keys. Of course, if I were a television magician I would have. In fact, if I were a television magician I wouldn't need any keys, just a powerful mind would be enough. So no one at home but the spare keys are with a neighbour and ah, good, one of their cars is in the drive. I rang their doorbell. Silence ensued. I rattled the letter box a bit. Silence ensued. Gulp! Their car was nestled up against the garage door in the way they do when they go away for days on end or even weeks. £$"!"%*", I said. I milled around: I never leave opportunities for thieves. There was no way in and I didn't want to smash anything. I called Dima: nope, his keys are with him, not in the garage or anywhere else, except his room, in London. Thoughts of a conversation I had a couple of decades ago with my mate Barry Clayton: I said, let's invent the lock that is secure but impossible for the owner/residentto be locked out by. Why didn't I stick with that thought? I didn't. OK? That lock has not been invented: well, there are palm print recognition devices now but they are expensive ... Those push button combination locks come nearest but I don't own one of them do I? I sat in the car and waited for a while. The car steamed up and I was hoping that no one would see me and invite me in to sit with them as I waited for the neighbours who were now 45 minutes or so later than normal. I almost hid myself but living where I live, there's not much chance of anyone ambling along and spotting me! After an hour of waiting and against my better judgement I called a locksmith: I knew it was going to be expensive and I put it off as long as possible. They confirmed the job when they rang me back: we'll be there within the hour. Hour and a half at the top. My heart sank: £104 per hour or part thereof plus VAT plus materials. £$"!"%*", I said. Well, sit it out with Radio 4 on the car radio for company. 30 minutes, a vehicle coming my way, the neighbour opposite. 40 minutes, a vehicle coming my way, an attractive young lady for the young lady opposite. 47 minutes, a vehicle coming in my direction: it turned around and parked in the drive of the house opposite. I was now dreading the neighbours with the keys arriving at the same time as the locksmith and slid further down in my seat. 55 minutes and a vehicle came my way, it pulled into the key laden neighbours's drive. I hurriedly looked round to see if the locksmith had arrived with them, he hadn't. Acting quickly now, I got out of the car and said, 'I've been waiting for you.' The lady looked stricken, I said 'I left the house with the wrong set of keys and I'm locked out.' She let out a gasp and said, 'I thought we'd done something wrong ... Her partner said, 'Guilt! That's the legacy of a Catholic upbringing for you!!' I got the keys and waved at their baby and exchanged a few more pleasantries. All the while heading for the house to make my call. Set my things down ... where's the mobile? Stress, doom, the expense!! Went back outside, no mobile in the car. Back inside, looking in every available pocket of trousers and coat. No mobile. Kitchen? No mobile! Nooooo! It can't be. Then it turned up in the living room, on the arm of the settee where I'd put it! I called the locksmith, the number I'd first called and told them, being brave and confident I'd told myself, that I didn't need them now as I'm in! You need to call another number ... aaagh! More time wasted. They must be just around the corner by now. I called the new number and was brave and confident again. No need ... I'm in ... Thanks anyway. Oh OK, he said, I'll tell the engineer!! Phew! Praise the Lord, I said. In my several decades I have never taken the wrong set of keys before and I can't remember ever being locked out when it was my fault so this was a trauma for me. At the end of it all and to some extent, it's not the being locked out that's painful it's the time wasting that it involves that got at me. Fortunately I didn't have a chip pan on of a tap running. So all's well that ends well and praise the arrangement of neighbours looking after each others' keys! DW

Blair v Marr

I watched Tony Blair being interviewed by Andrew Marr on the BBC this morning and I got tired of Marr's persistent rubbish.

 

I may or may not agree with Blair but why on earth did they invite him on when he kept being cut off in mid stream because Marr wasn't getting the answers he wanted? Marr had an agenda: this is true isn't it Mr Blair. Blair said, there is another opinion, you know. CHOP!

 

Mr Blair, Iraq is a disaster because there was never an exit strategy ... Blair said, you know, people are killing each other and it's not British soldiers ... there are other problems and opinions ... CHOP!

 

It's the same on the Radio 4 Today programme where the interviewers there aren't looking for balance either: they just want their interviewee to admit that they were wrong or that someone else is right so why can't they say so? If they don't then it's CHOP time.

 

Of course, I can now imagine journalists and opposition political types saying, did you see Blair squirm this morning: Marr persisted but Blair kept repeating the mantra and saying there is another opinon. Marr was right to change the subject ...

 

DW

Two jokes for accountants

Let me share with you two funnies that I got hold of yesterday.

It appears that three out of every 10 would be willing to abstain from sex for life in return for £1 million. In the same survey, the found that more men would rather sleep with David Beckham than with his wife!

Bart Simpson put accountants in his sights and came up with this: Adam and Eve were the first bookkeepers: they invented the loose leaf system.

Both quips came from the Feb 2007 edition of PQ Magazine.

DW