Chopper

As I walked through Manchester airport last week I came upon a man wearing an Orange County Cycles tee shirt ... That's American Chopper talk.

I went up to the man and asked if the tee shirt was genuine. He said, rather snottily I thought, no it wasn't. I said I was hoping it was and that he'd been to Orange County and met Paul Sr, Paul Jr and Mikey!!! Dismissively, he said no again.

No offence but this man had a Southern English accent!! 'nuff said.

DW
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Pissoire

Last Friday afternoon I was on a tram in Manchester having just left Piccadilly Gardens on the way to Old Trafford to watch the Lancs v Yorks Twenty20 cricket match. Then son Andrew pointed out the pissoire in the street ... Completely open to the street.

Honestly, I couldn't believe it. Where is the dignity and privacy in that? Where are we living, France?

Turns out there's a pissoire in Halifax too.

DW
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BMI ... AGAIN

I vowed never to fly with BMI again and you can search this blog's archive to see why.

However, as part of the trip to Riyadh that I am just finishing now, I was put on the Manchester - Heathrow - Manchester sectors, connecting to Gulf Air flights to run me down to Riyadh.

Needless to say, my luggage has not made it back with me. Moroever, I couldn't be booked all the way through from Riyadh to Manchester so I had to check in with BMI at Heathrow. The check in girl even kindly explained why I also needed to reconfirm my luggage with her. Otherwise, she said, it wouldn't be put on the same flight as me.

How prophetic that turned out to be!!!

DW
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Language again

A rather well spoken English woman was interviewed on BBC World's financial news from Singapore this morning and she used one of those stupid phrases that inadequates use. She suggested that a company had "kitchen sinked" a financial report.

Secondly, do you know the plural for Corgi? A Corgi is the Queen's favourite dog, of course!

DW
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The Sun

I am in Riyadh at the moment and one of my delegates asked me what the difference is between their sun and our sun.

I said the difference is that we can see theirs!!

Jolly japes!

DW
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Deleting Microsoft Office 2007

Before Deleting any software using Windows' Add/Remove Software utility do make sure you read what it is you are removing. After all, you wouldn't want to uninstall Office 2007 in its entirety would you? More particularly, you wouldn't want to unistall that software when Windows' Restore utility has been disabled for some reason would you?

 

That's probably a double top tip

 

DW

The Lawn

Hooray!

 

It has taken me a long time but when I got back from a recent three week trip I found my lawns to be knee high in grass. The grass just flourished during those fewweeks. It took me another couple of weeks to get my mind ready for mowing but I did nothing. Then this week my old neighbour shamed me by mowing my front lawn. Now, it's not a big lawn but he is quite a bit older than me and he just got on with it.

 

Galvanised, I then found the missing cable: my lawn mower has been standing idle since last August as I left the power cable in my old house in Abingdon. That is, I went online and bought a new power cable and it arrived yesterday.

 

So I spent just an hour or so hacking down my back lawn and whilst it is not at the same standard as my prim and proper Abingdon lawn (the best on my estate by far!), I have begun to look after it now. I will be buying lawn food, moss and weed killer for it now and will mow it more frequently than once in 7 months!!

 

When it is perfect, I will take photos and show you. NO before and after either: forget the past!!!

 

DW

The Secret of Dieting

I know there are lowly people who are fat and then become thin who go on to write a successful "diet" book. Nigel Lawson, one time miserable failure of a Chancellor of the Exchequor, was very blubbery, like his daughter, that ridiculously pseudo poetic cook Nigella.

 

Lawson lost his blubber and now looks more like a Rhinocerous than a person, illustrating just how fat he really was.

 

So, Lawson wrote a book that I believe became a best seller. It is doubtless just a collection of recipes and doubtless the recipes are interspersed with crappy motivational thoughts ...

 

Let me tell you the secret of losing weight, having lost over a stone (more than 14 pounds, more than 7 kg) myeslf recently.

 

Eat less. There you are, that's the secret; but there's more

 

Cut down on the fat: much more important than cutting out the carbohydrates.

 

Eat fewer sweets, chocolates and puddings.

 

There you are: simple

 

If you are a moderate to heavy drinker of alcoholic and/or high calorific soft drinks, drink less,

 

It's that simple and if you cannot do any of this then you are going to be or stay fat.

 

Exercise is important for general health and the more you do the better. In my own experience, especially as I get older, exercise is not such a weight controller. However, good quality exercise gets the heart pumping and the lungs shifting the oxygen around. So take more exercise, especially if you are a slouch and an idle Jack or idle Jenny.

 

Finally, sleep well: you don;t need to sleep more than 7 or 8 hours a night once you are an adult. You don't.

 

Get out of bed, take some exercise and eat and drink less.

 

If you want to pay me some money for that advise, just let me know and I will tell you where to send it!!

DW

DHL ... No thanks Parcelforce is better

I needed to send a package from Abingdon to Halifax and chose DHL. On the web I found the phone number of their nearest office, Leeds. This is what happened; and in each case I started by telling them what I wanted them to do for me..

1 Oh no you need next day delivery for that. Let me give you their number.

Dialled that number.

2 Ah no you've come through to Leeds, I'll give you the number you need.

Dialled that number.

3 Let me put you on hold a second ... I need to give you another number ...

I stopped her and said this is the third number they've given me and I don't need any more. Goodbye.

I then called Parcelforce and for just £14.99 and five minutes of my time they sealed the deal!

DW


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Slugs love fish fingers

I went out into the back garden this evening and found a tiny child' bike and then saw a bowl on the floor nearby with three fish fingers in it. Slithering their way into the bowl were three slimy balck slugs.

So now you know slugs like fish fingers don't you?

DW


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A lake?

It's funny but at least she can speak two languages!

I was chatting to a friend on MSN and showed her my front garden via my web cam. At one point she asked me, 'Is that a lake?' and I replied, 'No, it's a bird bath'!

DW
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Plug on the stairs: a top tip

Don't just throw an electical cable with a plug on the down the stairs in case it lands prongs uppermost on a step and you are stupid enough to step on one of the prongs thus gashing the sole of your foot causing prolonged bleeding.

DW
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More Politicians in the Stupid Tree

Have you seen the latest crackpot idea from our politicians? They want to give us all a carbon allowance that we can either use or trade with. So that's another hare brained scheme that is probably impossible to manage and that they will no doubt waste billions on trying to cobble together. These clowns have only fallen one level down the stupid tree but it looks as if they have firmly smashed their heads on the thickest branch as they fell. DW

Grandchild II Arrives

Ey up, let me introduce you to one of the planet's newest people: Rosalin Williamson.

Rosalin was born on Sunday 18th May 2008 in Germany. How about that and she was, as Shakespeare put it in MacBeth, from her mother's womb untimely ripp'd.

DW, the happy and proud grandad!

Is it London?

I am working in London this week and following a successful meeting I decided to buy a SIM card for my new phone. I did that and as I was finishing the transaction I cheerily asked if my new number was a lucky number. I got a reply that surprised me.

Charmaine said I could make it my lucky number if I wanted. Lighten up Charmaine!

Then I called in a Post Office to buy an envelope to send Dima a little something. I paid for the envelope and asked if I could take it to that counter to send it. The man behind the counter told me that he was closing in a minute.

I said, no, it will be tomorrow. However, I didn't ask him when he closed, I asked him about the services he provides.

DW
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Hold the phone!

How about this?

I have just spoiled myself and bought a new mobile phone at Dubai Duty Free. When I told the assistant about my BlackBerry she asked if she could hold it!

The first one she's ever seen she says.

Wasn't a pick up line either I'm sorry to say!

DW
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Shoulder back!

I congratulated myself yesterday when I realised that I hadn't felt any twinges in my left shoulder area for ages. These are due to sitting badly.

So, Sod's Law being what it is, today I am sporting a strain in my left shoulder area.

How do these things work? What law of nature and/or science is at play?

DW
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How about this then?

Isn't this nice of Pamela?

I am currently studying finance and I found your website <http://www.duncanwil.co.uk/invapp.html> http://www.duncanwil.co.uk/invapp.html extremely useful. It was much easier to understand that all the textbooks!
 
I typed in "Capital Investment Appraisal" and it was there on the first three hits.
 
I just wanted to take the time to write and say: Thank you!
 
Pamela MSc student Robert Gordon University Aberdeen
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Too close ...

Doesn't the phrase "too close to call ..." Get on your nerves?

It's fine for Americans but as a Brit it grieves me to see such informal language being used in supposedly high quality writing.

DW


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The name's Bond ... Duncan Bond

Small things: went to the British Embassy in Dubai this morning to organise a letter and they use one of those ticketing machines they use at the Waitrose deli counter.

I got there at about 0740 to find that my place in the queue was ... wait for it, 007.

There you go! Recognition at last for my derring do!

DW
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Brown should not be there anyway

I've said it before and I will say it again: anyone who actively seeks political office or appointment should automatically face a lifetime ban from politics.

Gordon Brown is at the head of such a list.

So many self selecting wastrel people in politics all over the world show that I am right.

DW
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Queue Warning ... Top Tip

Top Tip: If you ever see me in a shop or post office or anywhere else, don't join the queue behind me.

I got in the 10 Items Only queue at the supermarket. Three items only, so that was good then. Well, except for the family in front with a trolley with MANY items in. I thought they would leave the queue when they were told it was against the queue's rules.

Not a bit of it. That family stood its ground and caused a five minute delay at least.

These slow downs happen to the people in front of me all the time.

DW
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Theft

Someone is richer to the tune of £776.44 as a result of having stolen it from my bank account.

Ostensibly the charge is for services rendered by a hotel in Amsterdam. However, I was in Bangkok at the time. I stayed at that hotel in December last year though!

Got to Dubai to find a chap I was with in Amsterdam also had an attempt on his card but luckily for him the card he had used was out of date so they got nothing from him.

DW
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Raining and Pouring

My laptop computer ceased to be very early on Friday. Don't know why yet but my life depends on it.

Bought it in Dubai and am on my way there now to get it sorted,

DW
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Misery Guts

Leaving for another trip and got to Departures.

I had already drunk the last of my milk but had a pot of yoghurt left.

I confidently strode up to the two girls who were checking liquids and gels and that and asked if I could take the yoghurt through. I'm going to eat it straight away I said. She said, eat it now or dispose, pointing over her shoulder at the very bin I could use.

I cheekily asked if she'd got a spoon and glumly she replied that I should try one of the restaurants.

Lighten up a bit lass.

DW
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The Jackal? Don't think so

This is true: well, I can't verify the assassin part; but the rest is as it happened.

The clown next to me on the plane said he is an assassin on his way to Thailand to carry out a contract killing.

He proceeded to drink around 10 brandies. At one point he stood up and walked away from his seat without taking his headset off. He also tripped over his TV screen as we were sitting in bukhead seats.

At the end of the flight he fell down the aircraft steps but I broke his fall and then he stumbled into the loo in the airport transit area where he spewed his ring!

Hey, teach me the ways of the assassin, Grasshopper!

His greasy long hair and tattoos didn't cut it for me either!

DW
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10 years

Everyone who has been here for a while knows that I spent an excellent five years working at KIMEP in Almaty, Kazakhstan. A former student of mine there has just reminded me that he graduated 10 years ago in May of this year. That also led me to realise that 1998 was my final KIMEP graduation ceremony and I remember it very well and very fondly.

 

DW

Top tip on the stairs

When you are in a bit of a hurry don’t put your cup of coffee on the stairs and then try to balance an orange on top of an apple IMMEDIATELY above that cup of coffee in case the orange IMMEDIATELY AND UNSWERVINGLY drops into your coffee thus splashing coffee all over the stairs.

 

DW

Building site

This is a simulcast because of the business ideas in it.

 

Outside my hotel room this week I have been treated to the spectacle of a building site. Whatever the building is going to be, they finished laying the foundations at the start of the week and they have been working like ants ever since.

 

I watched them delivering and pouring concrete JUST IN TIME. Then watched as they have built things, laid things, moved things by crane. I am also interested in how they are storing things.

 

There are a couple of safety engineers and others with me this week and they are aghast at the way there are no rails, barriers, guards ... like what there would be elsewhere!

 

As Jerome K Jerome said, I love work I could stand and watch it for hours. I always thought that should have said, I could SIT and watch it for hours; but who am I to correct such a genius?

 

I have taken a couple of photos and really hope that I will be on this side of the hotel when I come back next week.

 

QUESTION: what does the K stand for in Jerome K Jerome. First to answer wins a prize.

               

DW

More IT Smartness

A delegate said her laptop's screen had given up the ghost so she brought it in. Nothing outwardy obvious and pressing the expected buttons did nothing.

We looked for the reset button but couldn't find it. I then removed the battery and found water. Oops!

Huge denials of course.

I reckon the chambermaid knocked a bottle of water over the thing and kept shtum.

DW
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Read the Small Print

It pays to read the small print. You know my car was stolen in December. The insurance company paid out: half of what I thought they should.

Today I called the insurers for my unused premiums back. I was told that the small print says I can't have them back. I checked and found it to be true.

So effectively the money they paid out was virtually nothing.

Top tip then: read the small print AND don't use the NIG insurance company.

DW
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He Works for an Airline ...

... So tell him my favourite aeroplane story!

Made the 1050 flight to Manchester today and just across the aisle from me was a BA cabin crew chappie who was obviously being put in place following their many cancellations.

Following a thumping landing the man sitting next to the BA chappie decided it was time to regale the self same BA chappie with his own favourite iffy aeroplane landing. The listener listened politely and might even have been interested, who knows!

DW
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Long haired and the drum roll

It is a world wide phenomenon I suppose that men who play a guitar or the drums or sing in a group often feel the need to sport long hair or wear a woolly hat. Odd that ... A complete lack of individuality and absolute conformity.

Didn't know that when someone in a group says something funny or witty on stage they STILL earn the right to one of those little drum rolls! Saw this in Bangkok and Pattaya.

DW
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T5 Day 2

Woke really early and saw on the LHR departures board on the telly that my 0630 fight has been cancelled. I looked for options and found a couple. I ate breakfast and left the hotel at around 0530. Even though it was only about 0545 when I got to T5 the customer services queue was already 100 metres long. I would like to be on the 0740 flight. Oink, oink; airborne pork!!!???

0811 and after two and a half hours in a queue to find another flight I was booked onto the flight I missed yesterday ... The 1050.

Noticed 11 customer service desks not open ... That's more than were open!!

Above the desks is a notice saying:

Welcome to our new home

I was ready make a quip about it saying:

Welcome to YOUR new home!

The BA man appreciated my attitude ... Non threatening and non angry and he gave me TWO refreshments vouchers!! 5 quid each.

In the security queue now at around 0830.

What a palaver.

Two more WCs: one with lock broken and the other where the door doesn't meet the jamb so the lock can't do its job even if it wanted to.

I used one the refreshment vouchers at Pret a manger.

DW
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Heathrow Terminal 5: my first impressions

I got to T5 at about 0745 on Sunday morning just over one week after it opened to passengers.

Queues are still delineated by those cheap movable ribbon affairs
I spent a total of around 30 minutes queuing for passport control and security.
Just before passport control they have fenced off an open area with hideous plywood block board painted white
They are taking photos of Brits at passport control and when someone taller or shorter than average turn up, the immigration officer reaches out and manually adjusts the position of the cam ... Even in Thailand they have cameras at passport control that can be adjusted much more sensibly than that
A WC I visited is already leaking and the seat is cracked
It already looks as if it is going to be too full too quickly ... Room for expansion of passengers?
There are no bins near the cash machines so the unwanted receipts will end up on the floor
There seem to be far fewer cash machines than in other parts of the airport
All of the artists' impressions I have seen of T5 before show a very large open plan space whereas the reality is far removed from that

To cap it all my flight to Manchester was cancelled and my luggage has gone missing again. So I am at a hotel for the night.

DW
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Airbus A380

Just arrived at Heathrow from Bangkok and on the way from Terminal 4 to Terminal 5 I saw my first Airbus A380, in Singapore Airines Livery. Not sure whether it's the first ever commercial A380 as I read somewhere that three have been delivered so far. I have to say it doesn't look as long as I thought it would.

DW
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Opposite

I know I won't be the first to spot the possible irony in this but I hadn't seen this book until about eight hours ago:

This is what you see on the front cover of a book by Paul Arden:

Whatever you think think the opposite: Paul Arden author of the world's best selling book.

Does that mean it's the worst selling book then? Or that we are meant to believe it is the worst selling book?
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Beijing here we come!

I am more than delighted to tell the world that my daughter Fran has just qualified to represent Britain in her swimming event at the Beijing Paralympics.

I will keep you fully informed at all stages of course.

DW
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Snake in the Grass

We just went for a lovely walk, Tar and me, during which we met a fellow Brit. Just before we met the Brit, however, we came across the smallest snake I have ever seen: no bigger than a pencil in all respects.

 

Of course, that tiny snake was like T Rex to a petite Thai lady so we had to turn round and go back the way we came ... that’s when we met the Brit. We were just beginning to walk around the very nicely landscaped lake at the back of the houses here in Min Buri. Never mind, we then went off in a different direction and had a different but equally lovely walk in the gloaming, as they say in Scotland!

 

We finished our walk by sitting and chatting at the tuk tuk stop: the stop just outside the estate where the larger style tuk tuks stop to take one to the main road and the shops and beyond, around 2 kilometres away. I walked that road last week and whilst that’s not very far, it is when done in 30 degree heat even though it was late afternoon when I did it!

 

So now you know!

 

DW

Baggage problems

I saw on the strap line on BBC World News this morning that an EU Minister has written to the UK’s Foreign Secretary David Milliband to complain about the loss of his luggage as a result of travelling through Heathrow Terminal 5. I will watch this story with interest and if I remember I will also write to David Milliband and ask whether he got involved. If he did, will h get involved in my case too?

 

If Milliband does get involved it will show the world how much of a club these people live in and how little we count for.

 

DW

Dating top tips

Gentlemen, when trying to woo a lady by mail, the following two genuine examples are best avoided

 

·         I don’t have a job, I don’t have any money and I am on benefits but I would like to get to know you ...

·         (Having enclosed a photograph of himself, this gent said) Don’t let the tattoos and scars put you off ...

 

Honestly, I have read these in genuine love letters!

 

DW

 

The Lizard and the Mouse ... possible top tips

What do you do

 

a)      If there is a lizard hiding inside the air conditioning unit?

b)      A mouse hiding behind the wardrobe?

 

a)      DO NOT poke the lizard with a stick so that it runs INSIDE the air conditioner and into the fan blades thus rendering it inoperative and necessitating a call to the air conditioning engineers

b)      RUN AWAY in fright and ask the young slip of a lass of a maid to chase it under your ever watchful eye so that she can catch it with her bare hands and then throw it off the balcony where it either survives or the fall kills it

 

These are possibly top tips.

 

DW

Thai Ladies melt into the Background

If you go shopping in a large supermarket in Thailand with a Thai lady in tow then stay together otherwise you will probably have considerable difficulty finding her later:

 

They are all around 155 centimetres tall

The majority have long black hair

Many of them wear a tee shirt and shorts

 

Top tip that and by way of a bonus it will probably apply across much of South East Asia!

 

On the other hand, if you both have a mobile phone with you and you know each other’s number ...

 

DW

Mugabe

Readers might care to reflect on Kal’s cartoon in this week’s Economist: http://www.economist.com/daily/kallery/displaystory.cfm?story_id=10881977

 

I have posted this comment on that cartoon with which you may agree with none, some or all:

 

This anti Mugabe cartoon is very perceptive of course. However, how will the world's politicians and other international influential people be held to account when Mugabe wins the up and coming election?

Gordon Brown has made a bit of a stand against Mugabe but he stood alone; although Angela Merkel said some stern things at an EU summit in support of Brown's ideas. Since then?

I have just heard on BBC World news that Morgan Changerai has threatened to withdraw from next week's election if some changes are made to the way the votes are counted. Even he is prepared to throw in the towel and thus will also have blood on his hands.

I visited Zimbabwe late in the 1980s and in the early 1990s. I saw an old colonial State where things seemed to work and, unusually for the Region, where the major roads were brilliant!!

We have to ask how Mugabe has survived so long and with such deleterious effect. Yes he was a freedom fighter. Yes he is seen by some as a hero. But he is reigning over a murderous and financially ruinous regime. Mugabe blames Britain and the US and big business for his country's problems. But Mr Mugabe, you have been President FIVE times already, don't you have enough power to set at least most of your problems straight?

Don't forget the power of the hangers on: those people behind the throne and for whom life is probably exceptionally good.

 

DW

Luggage ... wet luggage?

The luggage eventually arrived then: late in the evening when I was out to dinner and far too late to use in my training sessions. I was a scruff for the two days then! I thought you'd like to know that the case was sopping wet when I got to it and there was water damage to:

• my suit ... it stinks now
• my spare jeans
• six shirts, casual and formal
• black formal socks
• white sports socks

Since it hasn't rained anywhere near Bangkok airport over the last few days I wonder where it got so wet? They also made a real mess of my Emirates Skywards Rewards luggage label: covered it with some hideous to remove sticky paper, I called them at BKK and they offered me GBP35 since I pointed out that they hadn't offered me any money to pay for my replacement shaving tackle, toothbrush and paste, deodorant and so on ... they wanted me to go to the airport and collect it. I told them I want to collect it when I leave the country ... GBP35 isn't enough either as I have had to have all of those items properly laundered. As a very frequent flyer you must appreciate that I tolerate a lot of hassle from a variety of arilines. Losing three sets of luggage since August is too much too:

• one case went for two months
• one case got to me after a week and just two hours before I left for the airport to go home
• this final case could well have been a farewell case except that I am staying on in Thailand for a few days extra

DW

Thongs but no thongs ... And it's a top tip

I am going to be ageist now.

Gentlemen, when you get to a certain age, the gluteus maximus muscles wither. That is not, repeat NOT, the time to start wearing a thong and parade around the swimming pool. Even if you are on holiday and nobody knows you!!!

That is also a top tip!

DW
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Luggage ... what luggage?

So you work for British Airways do you? I wonder how much pride you take in your work and your company?

Following my WEEK in The Sudan without business clothes and toiletries, here I am again waiting THREE days for my luggage to arrive. Again I have had to stand in front of people who really didn't pay to see me turn up in trainers, jeans and a casual shirt.

Clowns to the left of me,
jokers to the right,
here. I am,
stuck in the middle with you.

DW
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Short queues can be the longest

I joined a short queue to board the Manchester to Heathrow flight. Just two people in front of me as opposed to the five or six in each of the other two queues. Beggar me, though, but the scanner wouldn't read the home printed boarding pass of the boy at the front of my queue ... So what price the shortest queue now, eh? I am fated like that and I really am the world's worst queue chooser.

Luckily an opening arose in another queue and I took it. Somewhat immorally in a way as I sort of pushed in a bit. Just a bit; in the way that one can be a bit pregnant!!

On the plane prior to take off to Bangkok as I type this and looking forward to a fruitful few days' worth of work.

DW
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Drug Dealers

This is a simulcast on duncanwil and oxbow

 

Taxi drivers are interesting people: they know a lot about their community and must be a fantastic resource for a wide variety of people and not just taxi passengers either.

 

I heard from my latest taxi driver that in Halifax drug dealers, the ordinary every day young drug dealers are making £6,000  DAY from their evil activities. Now, let’s imagine that this figure is an exaggeration ... how much of an exaggeration, I wonder.

 

These people buy houses too to get their filthy money into legitimate cash streams. They don’t buy for cash since that would look suspicious and they don’t buy more than one house in their own name either. They buy a house for themselves and then another one for their ... father, mother, brother, sister, wife ... who knows. More than that, they put down as much as a 70% deposit and take a mortgage for the rest. These people are potentially buying a couple of houses a month.

 

This news, taking it at face value, rather points the mocking finger at Freakonomics doesn’t it? In the book, reviewed last year by yours truly, they ask the question why so many drug dealers in the US live with their mothers ... the answer is clear: either they don’t or if they do it’s because they are hiding their huge stashes of cash. Easy to pull the wool over some people’s eyes isn’t it?

 

What are the police reported to have responded when told about the activities of these leeches on society? Erm, that they are looking for Mr Big rather than these also rans. Really? £6,000 a day is £42,000 a week and that’s £2.19 million a year. No tax, no records, no bother if the police are after them. Moreover, that’s £2.19 million for EVERY drug dealer operating at the level the taxi driver was talking about.

 

This is obviously a BIG problem when multiplied out onto a national scale.

 

DW

 

Life on Mars ... bladdered

And another thing ... in that episode of Life on Mars someone said they were going to get bladdered in the pub ... again, hardly authentic 1973 speak is it?

 

DW

Stair CASES, GOODS Trains and Life on Mars

First there was the stair case and now it’s the goods train.

 

These poxy people in the media have decided that stair cases no longer exist and neither do goods trains. AmerEnglish dictates that we must now talk about stairwells and freight trains. Well, I won’t: in the same way that a fireman is a fireman and not a fire fighter. A film’s a film and at the moment stays at the moment. At the weekend is not to be corrupted and here’s a good one:

 

Watching BBC Prime this week and I saw an episode of Life on Mars. Now, they have done a really good job with the decor, the knick knacks, the clothes and the cars but they can’t help themselves with the language. In the episode I saw they had one of the characters saying that things were “out there” ... that didn’t come along until the X Files if you remember ... 1990s, that. Another one was made to say that something would be done “right now”. Not even Michael Parkinson said right now in 1973.

 

Here continueth the fight against the doing down of our language by the 12 year olds that Ed Reardon warns us about!!

 

DW

It's a different world

Here we were again, on the way to Dubai heading for a week a week in Kuwait when the flight was delayed:

 

Late arrival

Technical fault

 

Well, it arrived and would have been ready almost on time I think but whatever the fault was, it did for the flight and I missed my connection to Kuwait. Saturday night is a relatively quiet time at Dubai airport but I still ended up in around four or five queues that I would not otherwise have taken part in.

 

However, I was more than calm for some reason: I knew that Dubai to Kuwait is just a short hop and that there are probably a few flights a day. Right then wrong ... not on Sunday anyway. So I needed to stay overnight in the Millenium Airport Hotel ... Emirates wing. A surprisingly big hotel given its frontage. So I got in the queue at the transfer desk to get a ticket for the next flight, at 1610 onSunday; I queued to have my passport stamped; I waited for the shuttle bus to get to the hotel and then there was a long queue for check in. It was 0430 local time before I got to sleep.

 

At the airoort entrance they were shouting out for passengers for Kuwait so I responded and changed direction. As I did so I stumbled a little, a little, over someone’s bag on wheels. I said sorry and he replied with, “You will be”. Englsihman, of course. I didn’t have the energy or desire to ask him what he meant since it was an accident, a very minor collision and no harm was done. Clown.

 

My luggage was checked through to Kuwait so I didn’t have it with me but a porter insisted on helping me with my brief case. When we got to the room he hovered and I said, I’m sorry I don’t have any Drhams and he replied, “any currency will do”! I admitted his steely nerve but told him that all the notes I had were big ones, eg £20 and I couldn’t let him have so much. OK, he said and left.

 

I slept for around 5 hours or so and forced myself into the shower and then to breakfast ... which, apart from the coffee wasn’t bad.

 

A three star hotel with 600 rooms. Quiet and tidy though but no BBC on the telly!!

 

DW

Who gets what?

China gets a lot and eats little

Britain gets a lot and eats a lot

Japan gets little and eats little

Australia get a bit and eats a bit

 

What are they getting and what are they eating and is there a relationship between getting it and eating it?

 

Need some help sorting this out? Take a look here then. Over 18s only, mind! http://www.economist.com/research/articlesBySubject/displaystory.cfm?subjectid=7933596&story_id=10700695

(This link will probably be changed fairly quickly ... it’s 7^th March 2008 as I write this).

 

 

DW

Great idea ... teaching English in Thailand

I got a link via google telling me how I can get to tropical islands in Thailand and teach English.

 

I can go for 2 weeks, a month, three months

I will sleep in a chalet on the beach

I will receive Thai language and cultural training

And more

 

Sounds great, I’d love to go but want to know if I can afford it: what’s the salary? Erm, what do you mean salary? This is a life changing experience.  You will give and receive so much.

 

What about air fares, you will get me there and back won’t you? Hmm, you’re not understanding this are you ... this is a life changing experience for you AND your students. You will come back vastly enriched. You will be working on a tropical island.

 

So, I pay to get there, there is no salary and the longer I stay the more I pay for housing and food and so on?

 

Yes, that’s it. Well done! Listen, this is especially ideal for young people trying to find themselves. You know the sort, they wear tie die clothes, they have dreadlocks or plaited hair, they often don’t wash for a week ... oh and they carry huge back packs ... it helps if they’ve got more money than sense too. Mid life crisis people are also encouraged to apply.

 

I wouldn’t do it under those terms and conditions.

 

DW

Putin Bows Out ... yes he does

There's a swarm of people from the BBC talking absolute twaddle at the moment. They have been galvanised by the Presidential election in Russia. They are so excited that they sent their WORLD Affairs Editor to Moscow to reassure the British people. The story they are pounding out is to ask that Medvedev has won the poll but who will wield the power? These clowns think, or want you and me to think, that they are so clever with their political insights and acuity. They thnk that Medvedev is so inexperienced that he cannot possibly govern Russia and that Putin is so desperate that he needs to retain all encompassing power over the land that clearly needs him and only him. Now, I for one don't think they are right for a single second. If Putin does become Russian Prime Minister then fine. I fully expect Medvedev to be a fully effective President. One thing they do NOT go on to suggest is that there must be someone behind Barack Obama too. Why do I say that? Well, what are Obama's qualifications for the highest political office on the planet? Very few ... well, the same as George Bush, the current incumbent, for example ... get the point? Where did Putin learn to be President of Russia, by the way? Oh, it was in the Kremlin as he'd never held high office either. Whilst the BBS has other competent correspondents in Moscow and so on, they still allow John Simpson to blunder from Zimbabwe to China to Russia and all points East and West with his faux analyses and out pops some drivel. I find his reports comprise regurgitations of the briefing papers he managed to wade through on the plane to his latest assignment. End of rant for today. DW

Fran Swims a Length

When I was in Cambridge last week I went with my daughter Fran to watch her training in her local swimming pool. As you know, Fran is a Paralympian and is currently training for the Beijing Paralympics. Strictly speaking Fran is training to qualify for Beijing: she has qualifiers in April. Best wishes to Fran for that. We got to the pool at 7:30 am and it opened at 8 am. It takes Fran a bit of time to get ready and by the time she got to the pool it was already pretty busy. However, I was delighted to see that when she got poolside she chatted to the attendants for a few seconds and they opened up a private lane just for Fran. Apparently they do this every time now in recognition of Fran’s devotion to swimming. I could also say it's the least they can do but I will not as that would be churlish. It's a good because of course there aren't enough training facilities in the Cambridge area so people like Fran have to use public facilities. So opening up a private lane for one hour for one athlete every now and again works out to be very cheap: it's very cost efficient. I hadn't seen Fran swimming quite a while and was delighted at her progress. Given her general abilities I would say she swims very well now. Fingers crossed we will all be together in Beijing in September. Set your video and DVD recorders are now! I hope you apreciate the photograph of Fran pounding away at the water in Cambridge taken by yours truly... DW

What's in a strap line?

I love things like this:

 

Our name means a great deal

 

I keep meaning to make a record of all such strap lines but never quite get round to it.

 

Here’s one that is currently resting in the SPAM section of my gmail account: PERMANENT RESULTS that will last.

 

Well, at least you’ve now got an example of tautology.

 

DW

Slate Loose

I know I am opening myself up to ridicule but last night I heard a crash outside the house and thought that something was being blown around the garden: a cardboard box or something. I took a look outside and saw a slate had come crashing down from my roof.

 

Until that point I was completely unaware that I had a slate loose. Still, always the last to know, eh?

 

DW

 

Why buy a new computer when ...

This post is also to be found on the ICT Blog of www.osltraining.co.uk

... your old one is perfectly good?

That self same daughter I mentioned in the previous post told me on arrival that she had bought a new laptop at Christmas because her old one was running so slowly. I asked her to show me what she meant and she was right ... it really was running horrifically slowly. Word took ages to open, web browsers took an age, opening windows explorer was a nightmare. I took at look for viruses and spyware and so on but found nothing.

I took at look at all the services that were running and didn't see much to worry about.

So I thought I'd tidy away all of the software that daughter Fran no longer used. Nothing outrageous and nothing apparently evil.

After an hour and a half or so, however, I handed the computer to Fran to ask her to try to do again what she used to to ... open Word ... she did and found it was now back to the way it was.

You can guess what I said next! Why buy a new machine when a bit of TLC would have (and did) solve the problems?

Here's a funny thing: as I was about to hand over the laptop to Fran I asked her if the battery was OK because I wanted to pull out the power cable to hand it over. She said, yes, as far as she knew it was fine. So I pulled out the cable and ... INSTANT BLACK SCREEN ... followed by howls of laughter from the pair of us!! I checked and found that whilst the battery was 97% charged, it had not been seated properly in its housing.

Mirth, merriment and a newly invigorated laptop computer.

DW

 

Some top tips for the computer age ... or take a breath first

This post can also be found in the ICT Blog section of www.osltraining.co.uk

Two very valuable lessons learned this weekend: one by yours truly and one by someone else!

Predictive Text

Being of a certain age, I have spent the last few years ruminating on PREDICTIVE TEXT in sms messaging. Of course, it's rubbish we all said. Whoever designed that should have been sent to Siberia someone else said.

Well, I was with my daughter this weekend and in the space of ONE MINUTE she showed me how wrong we all are who don't understand and use predictive text. The key is to type away pressing just your key once per letter (not three times as yoiu otherwise do for the letter 'o' or 'i' for example) at a time and then wait until you get to the end of a word, whatever rubbish you think you are reading in the meantime. Once you have got to the end of the word, you will be surprised that for the vast majority of times, your predictive text has PROPERLY AND ACCURATELY predicted what you wanted to type.

Marvellous: that was not a complete user's guide but do read your phone's manual more carefully and you WILL find that predictive text is really very clever and it will probably save you loads of time from now on.

Lesson Learned ... the hard way

Imagine the scene: desktop on the desk, laptop on the chair and your external hard drive containing ALL OF YOUR IMPORTANT DATA FILES, PHOTOS AND MUSIC, is balancing on top of a bin bag containing your dirty clothes. Suddenly yoou trip over a wire and the external drive crashes to the floor. Not bad you think, just two feet or so ... couldn't have done any damage could it? Then again, you have frequently backed up your files haven't you?

WRONG AND WRONG for someone I know ... and no, it really wasn't me.

Two major lessons to be learned: when you hard drive is switched on and running, you can break the drive beyond your ken by dropping it from just two feet. Dropping the drive when is is switched off and the read/write head is parked is likely to do little or no damage ... now I will admit to doing that myself last week, purely by coincidence and I lost nothing.

A major computing crime, though, is not backing up or archiving your files FREQUENTLY. The more files you create the more backups you should do, as a very general rule. I also recommend for those absolutely vital files that you have one backup on your comp and one more on portable media. If it's very, very important then have another copy off site ... at home and at work, for example, in addition to your other two copies.

There is a young man in Bristol at the moment really wishing he'd taken the few minutes a week it takes to back up his work.

DW

Lorry drivers

I wonder whether there is a session that lorry drivers take part in during their training. You know the session I mean: the one in which they are taught how to overtake another lorry on an incline or ever a hill. The crucial aspect of the training seems to be that the overtaking lorry must be capable of going only one mile per hour faster than the overtakee lorry. Otherwise, how could the overtaking lorry block an entire lane of a motorway or other road for what are normally considerable times and distances?

 

Just wondering as I have completed a 650 mile round trip during which I saw such actions as I have just mentioned!!

 

Over to you, lads!

 

DW

China ... anti political

This is a simulcast: on the duncanwil and oxbow blogs.

 

We all knew it was going to come but we weren’t sure how it would start. So Steven Spielberg started it by resigning from the post of artistic advisor to the Beijing Olympics. He’s entitled to his opinion of course and on the one hand we have to admire him for taking a stance in the way he has. However, I wonder if this was just a stunt: I wonder if he took the job knowing that he would later use it for political purposes. If this is the case, then shame on Spielberg.

 

I have no particular candle to burn for any country in this respect but I detested the anti Soviet boycott of the 1980 Moscow Olympics. Then there was a stupid British politician on BBC Radio 4’s Any Questions programme this week who said that it is impossible to divorce politics from sport. It’s people like her who cause far more problems than they solve. By being unable to divorce sport and politics in her own mind, this woman is clearly saying that anything goes. Moreover, if anyone thinks of any link between China and anything they want to talk about, then the Olympics are fair game to be included in any potential action. This is the sort of mentality that ruined much of the Moscow Olympics and other Olympiads.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and you may fundamentally disagree with what I have said. Consider the honest, jobbing athletes, though. What about the young person who has been training for the last 4, 6, 8 and more years to be at the peak of their condition as they try to win an Olympic medal. These people make personal sacrifices, family and career sacrifices, to get to the Olympics. Do you really think that some poxy politician has the right to get in the way of that? I don’t.

 

Here’s a test for you: where is the Republic of Georgia? Could you pinpoint Georgia on a map without studying the index of an atlas for five minutes. Now, can you find China easily? Whatever you answers, here’s the reason I ask. In 2001 I unearthed a story in Georgia relating to the theft of money from pensioners across many parts of the country: thousands and thousands of pensioners were potentially involved. What happened was the nominees of the then President Shevardnadze whose job it was to hand out monthly pension payments would keep 50%of the pensions for themselves. Imagine someone stealing 50%of your income, let alone your pension. Would that be a serious matter for you? Would you want to take action to stop such thefts? I genuinely believe I was the only Westerner to know about this situation and I told my MP about it: he managed to achieve nothing for the poor pensioners of Georgia. I wrote to the Prime Minister, John Major and didn’t even get a reply. I wrote to the Foreign Office ... nothing. I wrote to Mary Robinson at the United Nations, Oxfam, Amnesty International and many organisations whose details I have now forgotten. I chased this story for a year or more and in the end the extent of my achievement was a copy of a letter from an EU Commissioner who said what I had found was terrible but don’t worry, the EU was watching Georgia.

 

So I failed the pensioners of Georgia despite my best efforts. My point here, though, is this. Substitute China for Georgia in the above story and what difference might it make? I think you know the answer. China is large and growing and an important country economically ... and politically. Ay, there’s the rub: China is a threat to other world powers and so we turn full circle to see why China MUST become a victim in the minds of Spielberg and that stupid British politician on Radio 4. Mia Farrow, a second rate actress from years ago, is also anti China and is attracting a lot of attention for some reason with her ill thought out campaigns.

 

China may be doing something iffy in Sudan but consider the following:

 

What iffy things are the following countries doing and what is Mia Farrow, Steven Spielberg and that stupid British politician doing about it?

 

The UK

The USA

France

Germany

Italy

Australia

Canada

Singapore

Brazil

Russia

Kazakhstan

 

You name any country you like and ask the same question.

 

Of course, two wrongs don’t make a right; so my point is, why are these narrow minded people being so selective in what they choose to make a stand on? The answer is, like my Georgian story, where they can extract most publicity for THEMSELVES.

 

DW

Thailand II

Here are a few observations about my trip to Thailand.

I started out in Bangkok (BKK) then went to Pattaya, back to BKK, then down to Phuket and finally back to BKK.

The Sex Trade

On the plane over I sat next to Steve from Huddersfield who was on his way to Pattaya. He is retired and goes to Pattaya twice a year or so for three weeks a time for sex. He told me unashamedly that he will be spending the next three weeks sleeping with 20 year old girls by night and drinking with them or eating with them by day. He mentioned that he might have a different woman every night or stay with the same woman for two or three nights before moving on to another one. When I told him that I had never been to a Thai bar or a go go bar, he was stunned. I confirmed I had never done it and he asked me why. I told him that I never had the need and don’t anticipate having the need to make such visits.

Steve also told me that he has a girlfriend in Huddersfield who knows where he is going and she puts up with it. I asked him how many of the girls in Pattaya will escape by going to live abroad with a man they meet in a bar and then go back to a hotel room for sex. I was told that hundreds if not thousands of the girls escape in this way. He said he went to a bar one night and found a girl knitting scarves ... her British boyfriend was taking her away from it all and she had heard that it was cold in the UK.

Steve was quite proud of the fact that he can sleep with a 20 year old Thai girl with the figure of a model whereas in the UK he said he got messages from an online dating site from women who looked worse than his mother did when she was 92 years old. Cruel, methinks!

Pattaya

I did go to Pattaya and went into just one bar but since I was not alone I wasn’t assailed by any bar girls. I wouldn’t have engaged with any of them anyway: not my style at all. We were treated to the sight and sound of a Thai trumpet player singing What a Wonderful World in the style of Louis Armstrong: he did very well!

We went for a foot massage this afternoon: a very popular thing to do out here. Being ticklish, the massage got off to a silly start! Then it was OK.

I have to say I was perturbed by the sight of some big and fat and ugly foreign men wandering the streets in search of a girl. I realise that business is business but these men are coming from all over the world to inflict themselves on girls who are probably too desperate to refuse to do the business.

After another night in BKK we went down to Phuket: flying with Thai Air Asia.

Phuket

Phuket is a lovely area with glorious weather and beautiful beaches. We hired a car and that turned out to be a smart move for such a short and busy trip. We stayed at the Secret Cliff Resort that was very nice. Lovely rooms in a glorious setting. There were elephants nearby and I went to take a look at them.

This region is as I have described but then it has been turned into Blackpool on the Andaman Sea. Crowded beaches, kiss me quick hats and restaurants selling pizzas, burgers and other western food. Difficult to find Thai food restaurants and cafes here. Looks like we have done to Southern Thailand what we did to Blackpool and then Spain and the Balearics.

Went to a small temple, sat on a beach ... lovely!

Back to BKK

Was taken to a fantastic local restaurant where they serve food in a fascinating way. Good and wholesome food, too, that is far removed from burgers and pizzas.

A full Thai massage this time ... in spite of anything you might have heard to the contrary, a respectable Thai massage is sex free but no quarter is given! I am not sure I am a fan of a massage in general but I enjoyed the Thai massage and the hour during which I was being pummelled flew by.

Went to the north of BKK to a large and very busy Temple that is a bit like Knock in Ireland and Lourdes in France by the look of it.

Flight Home

Back to Manchester with Etihad Airways via Abu Dhabi. We took off on time and I managed to get myself bulkhead seats on both legs of the journey: loads of leg room!

On the first leg of the journey I sat next to a German couple and her television wouldn’t work. She tried, bless her, to get something to watch and after two hours was given a portable DVD player which was hooked up to the plane’s video system. The woman was aghast when she found that the films were only available in English although she spoke English pretty well. Her partner sat watching his own television with nary a care in the world while she was distressed. I should say he did try to help a bit by hitting his partner's television set with his hand at one point: just like we used to do when the "picture tube" on tellies of old went West! Made no difference of course!!

What do you want to watch I asked as I volunteered to let her plug her earphones into my socket ... I would watch her portable DVD player and she would watch my television ... fully synchronised?! I thought she might want to watch something sensible or slushy or even compromise given the huge favour I was doing her. However, I almost reeled in shock when she chose The Bee Movie: a cartoon type film.

I fell asleep to the Bee Movie and remained asleep for much of the rest of it ... how could she choose such a rubbish film? Didn't even say thank you either.

I got home at 9am on Friday having had a good week.

DW

Thailand

I have just spent a brilliant week and a bit in Thailand ... got to go to the shops now, though, so more later!!

 

How’s that for the world’s best blog entry?

 

DW

Manchester United and the Frances Spencer woman (again)

Now, I’ve made it plain enough over the years ... I am far from being a Manchester United fan. I am also as saddened as the next man over the Munich Air disaster of 1958. However, I’m tired of hearing about it. I’m afraid I am becoming disaster weary.  I have been watching the 1958 disaster tributes for many of those 50 years and appreciate how sad it was, how lucky Bobby Charlton and the other survivors were ... but as time passes, the greatness of the likes of Duncan Edwards seems to get more and more inflated. It was a sad event now let them rest in peace.

 

A bit like that Diana woman: at least everyone can see via that complete waste of an inquest that she died as a result of a car accident AND NOTHING ELSE. The salacious aspects of her life are being given a tawdry airing too and even I think that it’s sad that such a thing has befallen her memory. Don’t speak ill of the dead but she was a good time girl, let’s be honest.

 

DW

BSOD

Remember the acronym BSOD? I suppose a lot of younger people don’t know what the BSOD is: it’s the blue screen of death and that screen was often a multi daily event for many of us before Windows XP came along. Only in extreme conditions did I ever see a BSOD with XP: when I did, my laptop died a thousand deaths.

 

A BSOD was an error message from Windows that told us that a massive and usually unrecoverable error had occurred and that we should take notes and solve the problem being notified. Of course, the screen ALWAYS disappeared well before the shock had worn off and well before we had the chance to make a note of the error ... unless the error kept repeating when we did come to be able to make a note.

 

Why Blue Screen? Well, the background of the screen containing the error message was blue and the colour of the font was white ... it’s still the same with Vista!!!

 

Well, shock horror then when I saw the BSOD with Windows Vista yesterday. Via a memory stick in my printer I was looking at some pics when BSOD descended. I don’t really know why I generated the problem except to say that of course all of the pics on the memory stick were then utterly deleted from human view. And no, I didn’t get the chance to read and inwardly digest what the problem was!!!

 

DW

 

 

Hospital 3 ... some regrets

Let this be a warning to anyone who needs to heed it.

I don’t know the other men in the ward I was in in the hospital this week so forgive me if you think I am being judgemental; but there is a lesson to be learned.

One gentleman got cancer of the larynx and had to have it removed: a major operation and now he cannot speak, he breathes though a hole in the bottom of his throat ... and all because he was a smoker. He regrets being a smoker now that the quality of his life has collapsed so drastically.

The gentleman in the next bed is suffering from severe nose bleeds as a result, they think, of very high blood pressure. He is 40 years old and already his BP is 166/118. He said yesterday that he knows that his high BP has been caused by his excessive drinking. He regrets that now and wishes he didn’t have to have massive cotton wool plugs up his nose, bad sleepless nights and nose bleeds lasting days on end.

I will also mention that some of the nurses were quite young but obese: now, I am middle aged and a bit overweight ... when I was in my 30s I was nowhere near obese and couldn’t contemplate such a situation either. For a nurse to be obese is not a good thing and one day they will regret it if they don’t already.

I got talking to an old chap with very red eyes. He had had two cataract operations. The first one went well and he can see again out of that eye with no problems. On Thursday he had his other cataract removed but for some reason a blood vessel at the back of his eye burst and they sent him to Halifax the same day to be sorted out. They hadn’t put a new lens in the second eye so he needs more surgery. Overnight, from Thursday to Friday, his news improved and as I left him today, Friday, he was quite optimistic. He did tell me for some reason that when he was a lad he learned nothing at school and was always being caned for being the class clown. He said he regretted behaving in such away and given his time over again ...

 

DW

Hospital 2

Here’s one for all you Mystic Megs.

When I was 16 years old I went into hospital in Halifax, the Royal Infirmary it was then, to have a right myringoplasty. Sad to say I never had the thing done because when they got me to the operating theatre they found that the ear was infected and they couldn’t do it. So they would send for me again.

They never sent for me again.

Anyway, about a year ago I started seeing a consultant ENT chappie because the ear was flaring up again and that is why I ended up in The Halifax Royal Hospital this week ... the Halifax General as was.

Now this time, I was supposed to have a major rake out and clear up because of the bad infection I’d got in there: a cholesteatoma and possible mastoid infection ... well, would you believe it, they got me down to the theatre, wired me up, put me to sleep only to find that my infection was just about gone and I only spent around 10 minutes in theatre.

What do you call that!?

 

DW

Hospital Stay

I won’t carp on at the negative but I have to tell you this with the promise of better to come.

So, in the Royal Halifax Hospital, you have to pay to watch the television and listen to the radio: each bed has its own special set. The chap in the next bed didn’t know where to buy the card needed as someone had got his for him. So I set off. I got to a desk where there were three people: a nurse on the phone and two chaps, not on the phone. I stopped and asked the two men where I could find the Pay TV Card Machine and the seated man said,

“I’m a doctor, I don’t know.”

Those were his exact words. He got back to his work and when I looked at the other man, he turned his head away as if I’d asked to borrow his wife or something.

 I found the machine with the help of some helpful and much friendlier women thank you.

 

DW

Shouting on the Archers

I am listening to the omnibus edition of the Archers on BBC Radio 4 and have just heard Ruth shouting “Phil ... Jill ...” as she met them at the airport following their round the world trip.

 

Let me say that I am well into my third decade of globe trotting now and I have NEVER heard anyone shouting like that in the arrivals hall at any airport anywhere in the world!!!

 

DW

A Classic

You know that I am still in the middle of a bit of a dispute with Calderdale Council. Apart from that, though, I wanted to talk to them about setting up a direct debit with them. They had sent me a letter asking me to call them on 0800 245 8000 to do the deed.

 

I called that number the other day but they were busy and put me in a queue so I decided to call them back.

 

Today I called back but the number wouldn't work at all and after about four or five failed attempts I sent them an email saying: tried to call you on 0845 245 8000 but it wouldn't work so what would they suggest ... ?

 

Here's the classic part: they sent me an automated reply that said,

 

Thank you for your e-mail.  The matter will be dealt with and, if a reply is required, the Billing Section will endeavour to get back to you within 5 working days.

 

If you wish to discuss the matter in the interim, then please telephone the Billing Section on Direct line telephone number 0845 245 8000.

 

Can you see the number they have told me to call?

 

I wonder if someone will twig what they have done and I wonder if I really will receive a sensible reply from them.

 

DW

The New Scientist

Every now and again I pick up and read a copy of The New Scientist magazine: it’s filled with lots of fascinating things that even the average non scientist like me can appreciate. This week there are articles on the possible illusion of time: that’s universe time not GMT. I got the feeling that some of the work I do when analysing companies and industries is ahead of these boffs in terms of including or excluding time as a variable!

There’s a fascinating article on the world’s reserves of coal that I will be looking at in my sister blog ... you know where it is ... and an update on how they are using advances in technology to strap ever smaller and lighter cameras to deer and whales and things.

Anyway, an advert really caught my eye more than anything: now I know some boffin can write and tell me all about it, so please do; but is this a spoof?

Imperial College London: NHLI PhD Studentships 2008

Professor TM and Dr BL “The role of Hedgehog Acyltransferase (Hhat) in human Sonic Hedgehog (Shh) Signalling

Here is what I think Sonic the Hedgehog looks like!!!

Source: http://www.armchairempire.com/images/feature-articles/Weekly-Top-10/pub-crawl/sonic-hedgehog.jpg

No offence intended, you boffs!

DW

Down the Line

If your sense of humour is as finely tuned as mine then you must listen to the Radio 4 offering Down the Line. Down the Line is a spoof radio phone in programme that last night was just hilarious.

 

They’ve got Disgusted Tunbridge wells calling in, gay blades, dizzy blondes, perverts, military types, that cheeky chappie the London Cabbie ... the lot.

 

Last night they had a theme running through the programme: a purported professor of physics was in the studio and trying to explain String Theory! Well, String Theory is a serious business for serious physicists and engineers so you can imagine the short shrift it received!

 

Another theme they thrashed around a bit was how Dr Who was becoming more gay. Moreover, how Daleks must be gay ... you never see a girl Dalek do yoiu, after all?!!!

 

It was a riot.

 

DW

The love of music

Just listening to Desert Island Disks on BBC Radio 4 and I thought it was time I gave vent to a thought I have carried around for decades and that resides in the phrase, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Why do some people like some music that I think is not worthy? This week’s castaway was Sir Simon Rattle and whilst none of his choices were rubbish, some of them struck me as very ordinary pieces of music that I would never play twice. One piece was the sort where it seems to me that some of the instruments in the orchestra are a fraction of a second out of kilter with the rest of the orchestra!

Jazz, for example, is a complete mystery to me: the kind that they tend to play on the radio anyway and that old men bop along to. New Orleans Jazz, however, is a different story altogether.

Something that sparked this debate in my mind fairly recently was a programme on Radio 4 that invited people along to talk about a piece of music they couldn’t live without ... or something like that. One week that crumbly hippy Annie Nightingale was on and she chose a piece of music that I feel she cannot possibly like. She is a lot older than me, has never had much musical taste and now she claimed that this music that someone from the 60s or 70s who would wear a pin striped shirt and a waistcoat with jeans would listen to and pretend to like ... in his or her mid sixties.

Just a few thoughts

DW

Brown follows the Blogs ... this one

Well, well, well ... you heard it first here. I told you that I thought that Hain, Osborne and now Cameron (UK politicians) had been incompetent in the way they had reported gifts to their pots of gold and guess who read my blog and came out publicly and agreed with me?

 

None other than Gordon Brown, Prime Minister: he went on national television news yesterday and admitted Hain’s incompetence.

 

I’m waiting for a senior Conservative Party person to come out and agree with me over O & M now. They won’t because they are cowards but they should.

 

THIS is the blog to read, no doubt.

 

DW

What a how d'y'do

The news today has just astonished me

Here we are with our serially incompetent politicians and the hired hand claiming he was the hub of a Royal life.

Peter Hain, that former anti apartheid activist turned senior politician, has proven for the umpteenth time in a year how serially incompetent he is proving to be. He fell foul of the need to record the receipt of financial assistance from someone last year and blow me, he’s done it again. Now, I don’t support any witch hunt against the man for what he’s done because I am prepared to believe that what he did was just as a result of his incompetence and nothing more. So let the opposition clowns look after their own serial incompetent, George Osborne; and leave Hain alone.

Hain’s position is safe with Gordon Brown we are told but what about the rest of us? How many more of these self selecting do gooders can we suffer?

Then I had to guffaw when I saw that the hired hand, Mr Burrell, was a primary “witness” at the inquest into the death of Diana Frances Spencer. As former butler to the woman he shamelessly wrote a book on her and made himself a millionaire. He reports that the Queen used to confide in him and now he claims he was the hub of Diana’s life and that she would pour her heart out to him on little pieces of paper in the evening for him to find as he raked out the fireplace in the morning.

It’s all a chuffing great lark out in the big wide world isn’t it? One question that I am sure I know the answer to but daren’t ask the extent of is who is paying for that monstrous inquest? It will turn out to have been the single biggest waste of public money since goodness knows when. We all know the answer and we have known the answer for ten and a half years now. Diana died as a result of a car smashing into a large concrete pillar in a tunnel in Paris. There were suspicions that some odious people with cameras were chasing her car for their own ends and that they helped to hurry her demise. But these conspiracy theories that have been doing the rounds since August 1997 are just laughable. At least Burrell had the decency to say that these conspiracies should stay where they belong: unwritten and unsaid.

DW

Another word or phrase

I was trying to talk to young Master W on Friday evening but as he wasn’t answering his mobile, my strategy then was to call his girlfriend, the lovely Veronica. She answered and we chatted for a minute or so and then I used a phrase right out of the ark when I asked about her “gentleman caller”. I got that from Coronation Street or some such many years ago. I think it’s a quaint and archaic phrase but I have never been sure which inner messages it contains.

 

Of course, gentleman caller possibly suggests a lie or some intrigue; but I like it and I used it innocently in that context.

 

Haven’t used it before for a long time and Veronica never batted an eye lid when I used it and since she is only 19 years old, I doubt that she’s heard it before!!

 

DW

This is interesting ... well, I am fascinated anyway

My aunty Emma used to use the word walt in the context of turning an ankle: she would say that one had walted one’s ankle.

 

I have used that word ever since which basically makes me only the second person I know who uses this word.

 

Since I am working my way through the Oxford English Dictionary, I thought I’d take a look at whether walt exists in this very context. Lucky for me, it does!

 

Walt in this context was first recorded c1400 as meaning

intr To be thrown down, fall over, be upset or overturned; to totter; to lean to one side.

Where Intr means it’s an intransitive verb

 

DW

 

The longest word in English

Did I ever tell you that the longest word in the English language is

 

Floccinaucinihilipilification

 

There you are then, that’s it and it means The action or habit of estimating as worthless. According to the Oxford English Dictionary this word was first written down in 1741.

 

DW

Car theft ... probably final

My neighbour came round yesterday for a chat and he showed me an article in the Halifax Evening Courier that reveals that in addition to my car being stolen over the Christmas period, around 20 other cars were also stolen in my area of town.

 

The pattern was that older cars like mine were taken for joy riding ...

 

I have received a settlement from my insurance company that won’t offset the cost of replacing my car. To get back to where I really was, I would need to have received a lot more than that. That’s our insurance companies of course. I have now lost my no claims bonus as well as my car.

 

I won’t be replacing my car either since I like older BMWs and will not feed these thieves and their pathetic lifestyles. I will walk and get the bus now. I will hire a car when I need one. Until I am ready, that is, then I will set up a security system on my car that will include the equivalent of the medieval man trap.

 

I also worry about the other people who are suffering now as a result of these stupid and selfish people. Have they also really lost their cars because they can’t afford to replace them. Has any of these unfortunate people suffered mental anguish?

 

I imagine these joy riders are sniggering at the police and victims like me now. They won’t get caught will they, unless they crash their cars and are hurt and/or trapped. Another reason they won’t get caught is because it is illegal for anyone to set up their own CCTV system outside their house if the images would include the public highway... which is where my car was certainly parked.

 

DW

Calderdale Council

A few weeks ago I told you about the astonishing decision to take me to Court as a result of their own inadequacies. I paid my taxes in time but their systems are so woeful that they mislaid my cheque for three weeks. In the meantime, they justified their action to summons me because they couldn’t get my cheque to the bank in time so my account was in arrears.

 

That letter came out in the name of the chief finance officer so I replied and asked whether what he had written was Calderdale Council policy ... i opened his reply on my return home last night to find that ... he completely ignored my questions.

 

He is to hear from me further and so might the local newspaper if he’s not careful.

 

DW

Milk and organge powder

I keep forgetting to ask so can anyone tell me why the duty free shops in the airports in the Middle East sell milk powder and concentrated orange drink powder ... by the tonne by the look of it.

 

Who buys and why do they need to take it to wherever they take it?

 

Just curious.

 

DW

Stolen Car Update

No, I haven’t got the car back or anything remotely resembling any progress whatsoever but I thought I’d share with you and advantage of being without a vehicle: this afternoon I walked into town to do my jobs and then I walked back.

 

All told I walked for around 90 minutes, including the 30 minutes of pottering I would have done at the inkjet cartridge shop, the library and B&Q.

 

Let me confess that I went out to walk to the shops yesterday to buy some milk and got to within around 100 metres of the shop I was aiming for when I realised that I didn’t have with me the means to pay for anything. Of course, in the old days, I would have known the shopkeeper and s/he would have trusted me to return later with the cash and I would have gone home with my milk. Instead, as I had cut it so fine, I was unable to go home and then go back to the shop before it closed ... so I had enough milk for the evening and my early morning cuppa but then had to walk to the corner shop just five minutes away before I could eat my All Bran and Muesli with a banana! (I’ve run out of Bran Flakes).

 

That’s almost a top tip isn’t it?

 

DW

Inane questions

I know you’ll think I’m off my chump for saying things like this but I do wonder at where all of these changes to our language and business etiquette are leading.

 

The insurance company just called me to book a telephone interview with me and I was asked a few security and other questions. Fine, but note what else they said

 

She:       For security purposes, can you confirm you date of birth, please?

Me:        xx/xx/xxxx

She:       Brilliant!

 

She:       I will need to know who the last person was who drove the vehicle: was that yourself?

 

My questions are:

 

Why was my answer to the question about my date of birth brilliant?

Why was asked if it was myself who was the last person to drive my car ... was it YOU is what I would have asked.

 

DW