Fran Made it

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and prayers. Daughter Fran has secured her place at the Beijing Paralympics again with a personal best (they call it a PB).

She has overcome a serious shoulder injury to get back on track.

So happy for you Fran and thanks to everyone.

:-)

DW
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Olympics 5

Are these Gymnasts really as young as they look? I watched the Chinese, Romanian and USA "women" gymnasts yesterday and the Chinese girls especially but also a couple of the American girls looked VERY young.

The Chinese girls were wearing make up too: what would Chairman Mao say about that?

Two of the American girls had personal nightmares, otherwise, a very good standard of competition.

DW
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Olympics 4

Good news this evening even though the girls I am writing about came 8th in their event. Our 10 metre board synchronised divers looked good and performed well. Good spirit, good attitude, not blubbery. Clearly they were in a good field of competitors. They tried hard. Well done!

I have heard of some shenanigans with our 14 year old Olympian diver ... don't know the full story but it sounds terrible.

DW
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Olympics 3

Attitude and spirit are vital at Olympian level. I watched a lot of the women's synchronised diving last night. The Chinese slim and fit looking as well as highly competent. The same was true of the French and the Russians and several more.

Then the podgy British girls turned up: they looked flabby and their performances were flabby. Were they there for the laugh or what?

Praise the two British gold medallists so far.

Then there's that 14 year British diver. In an interview yesterday he looked happy and glibly said he didn't expect to win anything and was told to enjoy himself.

Look at the high achieving nations: they don't send flabby people and they don't send people who believe they won't win. Why do we send second raters and no hopers?

DW
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Looney Clooney

Forgive me but he's one of the many talentless people who have done far too well for themselves ...

Arriving at Geneva airport, the first advertising board one sees has George Clooney on it: complete with greasy hair and skew whiff smile.

Eugh!

DW
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Poor Sooty!

There's an advertisement on CNN at the moment for Shell in which they we can help to reduce Sooty emissions.

Now, what would Sweep and Suzy say about that?

DW
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Fran needs you!

Daughter Fran has qualified to represent Great Britain at the Paralympics in Beijing. BUT she has hurt her shoulder and now needs to prove that she should still go to Beijing with the team.

Please send your most potent thoughts and prayers to her so that she can go for Gold for Great Britain.

DW, awe inspired Dad who has nothing but massive respect for ALL Paralympians.

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Come on Burnley ...

… are we dispirited by the 4 – 1 defeat at Sheffield Wednesday? Are we ‘eck!

 

Up the Clarets!!

 

DW

Olympics 2

More BBC nonsense. I wonder how many times we are going to have to listen to nonsense like this?

"How much is it about getting to know each other?" Asked of the two women rowing together in the coxless pairs.

Then a commentator said of those two women as their event was under way, "For them it's all about being competitive."

I see the Vegans have already tried to make a protest: they tried to unfurl a Tibetan flag. I just hope the people at the BBC don't consider that newsworthy.

DW
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Olympics 1

The Beijing Olympic Games has started in spectacular style but no doubt the Vegans will stage or try to stage a protest or two. Bless 'em! I hope the Chinese police throw them out of the country and don't take the British approach: move along there now!.

Anyway, I have watched a few minutes of the Games and woud like someone to take note of the tattoo count: the early signs are that Britain will come top of that table by far.

I suspect we will win the Olympic Spitting competition too.

One aggravation from the BBC came when a commentator mentioned the AMOUNT of people in the gymnastics hall.

DW
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Marvellous ... true ... scary!

I am really sorry but I don’t remember where I got the following from. The file on my hard disk is dated 18^th July 2002.

However, although the example clearly comes from the USA, it applies here in the UK: just take a look at our A Level exams these days. What follows is a ringer for our A Level system

Teaching Maths in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.

What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."

The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."

Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Maths in 1980:(with affirmative action)

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Maths in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Maths in 2000:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is $120.

How does the Auditor determine that his profit margin is $60?

DW

Vexillology

Well, nobody knows the plural for Corgi so here’s another one for you: what is vexillology?

 

Answers in a comment here or via email!

 

DW

Witness and Well Move it!!

I had to go to Halifax Magistrate's Court today to have an affidavit witnessed.

Firstly, reception was being run by a manager. Secondly, he was very slow. Thirdly, he told me I would have to pay between £25 and £60 AND make an appointment.

Now, I was told it would be free and available on demand at a Court.

I found a Solicitor to do it for me for £7 and she did it on demand too.

As I was waiting for Mr Slowcoach at Reception I saw a microphone on a stand and on the stand was a notice that said:

**DANGER This microphone is broken and is very dangerous. Do not use this microphone. **

I thought, why leave the microphone there and then put such a notice on it? Put the thing away ... Get someone to dispose of it!!

DW
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Contraception

I’m sorry if this appears sexist but I found it stunning.

 

On Woman’s Hour on BBC Radio 4 yesterday they had a piece on sex education in schools. They interviewed a man and a woman although I don’t really know who they were.

 

The man started by telling us about his work in primary schools and so on and how he was approaching sex education there.

 

The woman bellowed in with, “How dare you do such a thing?” A rant followed and a mini debate in which she insisted that parents are the ones who should be in control of their children’s sex education.

 

I didn’t really understand the woman’s problem with what the man was doing but as far as her qualifications for such a discussion are concerned I am worried because she was introduced to us as having TEN children.

 

Enough said!

 

DW

More on Oil Prices

A simulcast

 

I have been getting no responses to my questioning of the rises in oil prices over the last year or so. I have been questioning the sentiments behind the price rises for almost the whole of the year: not just a bandwagon. Here are extracts from an article in the FT from 4th August. I think it is telling for two reasons:

• language used
• the reasoning and its acceptance

The language used in the article reflects my concerns in my previous Blog entry on this subject: that is, the journalist is worried about falling prices; oil prices plunging and falling prices amid concerns over the global economy and its performance. Where is the hysteria that accompanied the stratospheric rises that the world suffered from as speculation fed the rise in crude oil prices? Nowhere!

 

Probably more importantly comes the reasoning behind the price rises: take a look.

 

This is what they say in the article, included here verbatim:

• Other factors pushing down oil prices included higher supplies from Opec, which mainly reflected Saudi Arabia's decision to boost its oil production to the highest level in more than 25 years.
• Some traders also expressed doubts about the strength of Chinese consumption, saying it had been artificially boosted by stockpiling ahead of the Olympics.
• However, traders warned against calling the end of the oil rally, since prices have oscillated between $130 and $120 for the past 10 days without a clear trend emerging.

These speculators who have probably traded misery over food prices and billions of dollars over the last year as they raped the world are now hiding behind falling prices but no one is pointing the finger at them. Except me of course.

 

From Oil falls as fears for growth intensify

http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/c4edfb02-624f-11dd-9ff9-000077b07658.html

 

 

 

Duncan Williamson

Tracking Spyware

So I have built my on computer (with the help of son Andrew in view of TWO new motherboards having failed on me) and have been running it since Saturday: that’s only four days.

 

I have been using my paid up version of the excellent AVG anti virus software and have just got their free upgrade that includes an anti spyware utility. Beggar me but it’s found 130 spyware infections and it’s only about one third of the way through its scan.

 

Dear Spyware routine writers: if ever I get to know about a product or service that I have been invited to buy and there is anything like a spyware routine behind it, I will NEVER buy it. In the words of Dr Ian Paisley, Never, Never, Never, Never. Moreover, I will tell the world and his wife that those products are spyware infected. You are wasting your time.

 

DW

Top of the Olympics Medals Table

Which country was top of the Athens' Olympics Medals table in 2004?

USA? No!
China? No!
Russia? No!

The answer is ... The Bahamas. With a medals tally of 6.2 medals per milion population The Bahamas is miles ahead of its nearest rivals, both with 2.4 medals per million populationa' Australia and Cuba.

On the above basis the USA, China and Russia are nothings!

Thanks to the survey An Olympic Game in Intelligent Life Vol 1 Issue 4 page 33 for this.

By the way, I refer to a medals table and not, heaven forfend, the standings.

DW
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AA Gill

AA Gill writes a column for the Sunday Times magazine: I think it's about restaurants he visits and the food he eats there. I have to tell you that either that man is seriously ill or he is suffering from delusions of an ability to write coherently. I will be posting extracts from last week's column here when I get home, later today. I thought the education system Gill went through didn't start collapsing until the mid 1980s. You will see my assumption in that regard was misplaced. UPDATE A bit late but here is the sort of utter claptrap that passes for journalism these days: The mousseline de brochette et grenouille. Try to picture it. Sitting, nay, levitating in the centre of a circular white table big enough to play Olympic blow football on. This dish is deceptively simple. It looks like a gateau for the type of woman who says let them eat cake. In fact, it's savoury: a fish mousseline, as smooth as a warm Baileys enema administered by Charles Aznavour by candlelight, with the wobbly texture of a contemplative nun's genuflecting buttock. The flavour is pale and interesting; a clear whisper of dark, chalky pools and shimmering, placid, terror faced pike, a taste emphatic and resonant and round, but at the same time restrained, elegant and intimate, like the gesture of a hand laid on the bade of your neck, or the shadow glimpsed under a summer bridge. This emulsion of silky profundity, this boneless evocation of memories, scents and savours is one of the most difficult things to accomplish in all gastronomy: that delicate line between bland and bold and only the haute French can really be bothered to find it. But we're not finished yet. Interred inside the mousseline are the boned and poached legs of small, green Jeremy Fishers. Their flavour, too, is ambivalent; caught between the earth and the water, they owe a little something to both. And they are, of course, the natural dinner of the pike. They go so well together, an antipathy in life that becomes harmony in death. I understand that AA Gill is dyslexic and has to dictate his work to a secretary. Well, if I were the secretary I would edit it before submitting it. DW Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Antonin Dvorak

How about this: today I went back to take photos of the place we went on Sunday evening. I didn't have my camera with me on Sunday, hence the need to go back.

I went into the Vysehrad grave yard and came acrosss Antonin Dvorak's grave. Respect. I don't take photos in grave yards.

Lovely grave yard, by the way; and if ever you get to Prague take a look.

DW
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Spot the Business Model

This is a five star hotel but what business model is it using?

Room rates are cheaper the further ahead you book
Internet access is to be paid for AND the quicker the download speed the more you pay
Access to the gym is by payment of a fee
Want a swim? You've got to pay for it.
Guests are a mixture: the expected business people are made to mingle with silver haired tourists AND very young back packers
The staff do not all appear to be highly trained AND the English language skills of some staff is a little below what should be expected

Let me know what you think the model is.

DW

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MS Office Live

Microsoft Office Live looked like a good idea so I tried it. I uploaded some files, I created directories and I moved some files around. I uploaded word files, powerpoint files, excel files, jpeg files and pdf files.

 

All worked nicely so I thought I would share some files with a colleague.

 

It performed embarrassingly badly so that I had to write and apologise and promise never to try to send them my files in that way again.

 

Bill Gates has retired? He should never have been allowed to get away with his laughable systems in the first place if you as k.

 

DW

nwa

I am sitting in the business class lounge(*) at Schiphol Airport as I type this and wanted to tell you that I can see SEVEN nwa aeroplanes from here. The power of code sharing airlines then?

* I was signed in by a KLM frequent flyer Gold Elite member!

DW
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Would you pay for someone to count your money?

I was told this morning that the Yorkshire bank charges you for counting bank notes that you pay into your bank account with them.

I find hard to believe but I am assured it is true.

I would change banks if they did that to me.

DW
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Colder out than in

Air conditioning can be very convenient of course but when one goes outside to warm up, someone needs to turn the air con temperature up a notch or two.

DW
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Risque but worth thinking about

I know some youngsters read this blog so I try to be careful what I write. This is a bit risque but here goes.

The other week I was walking round Dubai and came across a neon sign above the entrance to a supermarket. Except that that the letter u was not working.

Now, without me spelling it out for you, see the effect that the loss of the letter u has on the word supermarket. Then add a touch of creative thinking.

It's one to make you smile maybe rather than giving you a big belly laugh but you heard it here first.

DW
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Missed the news? Don't worry, CNN's at hand

Don't worry if you missed Sunday's news, you'll be able to watch it again many times on CNN on Sunday ... and all day on Monday ... and all day on Tuesday ...

Padraig Harrington is still winning the British Golf Open today, Tuesday 22nd July, according to CNN.

DW
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Boffin Advice Needed

I bought a Nokia N95 in Dubai a while ago and when I recharge the battery in Dubai, it is fine.

When I recharge the battery in the UK it only holds that charge for around 24 hours.

Anyone know why this happens?

DW
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Wafi Centre

Here's a recommendation for you.

I have eaten at Carter's Restaurant in the Wafi Centre here in Dubai twice this week and I thoroughly recommend the place.

Good food, good atmosphere, good waitresses and waiters.

DW
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Confiscated Marmite and Funny Water

Confiscated Marmite

Passing through departures at Manchester airport about three hours ago, I had my small jar of Marmite confiscated. I think it was taken from me because of the threat to world peace that such small jars of Marmite present.

Never thought about it that way before.

Funny Water

Last night Andrew and I went for a curry in the centre of halifax. As we were dawdling by the entrance to the restaurant these really funny people drew up near us in their car.

Now this is so funny.

The driver had, ha ha ha, a large bottle of water, he he he, with him and ... no don't, my stomach hurts too much ... he squeezed the bottle suddenly and hard and ... now here's the really funny part ... sprayed the pair of us with a tiny bit of water.

Hey, isn't that just too funny?

Like all cowardly people the car then sped off. Luckily for the people in the car we were almost paralysed with laughter.

I wonder what it was about ineffectually spraying water at two people wearing waterproof coats that those people found so funny? Do you think it's anything to do with their inferiority and stupidity? Or do you think it really is a funny thing to do?

Let me know :-)

DW
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Mango Touts?

Andrew and I were minding our own business yesterday afternoon following my return from my Out Patient's consultation at the hospital when the phone rang. It was my neighbour asking if he could come round for a chat.

He duly arrived and we chatted merrily for over three hours on a range of topics.

In the middle of this session Andrew noticed that the neighbour had mentioned mango touts a couple times. I have to confess I missed the references completely.

In the context of our discussion about fresh fruit and veg, Andrew realised that the neighbour was talking about mangetout rather than mango touts!!.

Well, of course it was funny but at least we were able to provide the proper pronunciation and meaning of mangetout!

DW
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Street Atlases:how do they do it?

Just checking on the location of a DIY shop in Halifax and found the address easily enough. So I went to my Easy Read West Yorkshire Street Atlas only to find that the shop is located at the junction of FOUR pages in the atlas.

 

To get a clear and full idea of how to get there with certainty I need to copy and tape together the corners of the four pages.

 

Weird that?

 

DW

The Stupid Tree Working Overtime

I just heard an article on BBC Radio 4 about an international Science Olympiad. That's where knowledgeable and gifted young scientists compete against each other to become top scientist of the year ... please feel free to correct that definition.

One teacher interviewed said his pupils didn't have the knowledge of pupils in private schools so they were at a disadvantage.

What? Who are these people and what is the disadvantage? Knowledge is free. Pupils who enter these olympiads are bright and keen so managing them must be a dream.

This kind of attitude is symptomatic of England's education system now. Grossly watered down specifications and exams and we think we are still world beaters.

One the teachers did say that GCS(E)s and A Levels of 20 years ago were much more involved than they are now. How about being given 10% to evaluate a simple fraction ... possible in a Business Studies A Level exam now.

DW
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Memory and a top tip

I just went upstairs but as I got to the top of the stairs I couldn't for the life of me remember what I was doing there!! Took me about 30 seconds to remember!

If you're going to install some memory in a computer don't forget where all the cables go. Otherwise you might think it doesn't work any more when you switch it on again and the monitor fails to show anything. (Not me, by the way!)

DW.


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PC Builder

I know that pride goes before a fall but I thought you'd like to know I've just built a new computer from components.

It's got a good spec and is fast. It's going to be my work horse computer now and is future proofed for about two years I think. It needs just a bit more memory to achieve that: I installed 2Gb but will take 32Gb.

DW
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Another Widgenie Chart

Here is another Widgenie Chart for you. This isn't to be a series, just another example as I think they are so good!

DW

Spectacle sillyness

I decided to take my specs apart this morning to give them a right good cleaning. I was really careful of course and cleaned the frame under dribbling hot water using an old toothbrush.

I cleaned the lenses with cold water and a kitchen tissue.

I was extremely careful when reassembling the things because the screws they use are very small. I got the first screw in with a little difficulty. Then I decided I would drop the second screw. Bear in mind that without my specs my eyesight is poor: not blind as a bat but poor.

I felt for the screw and failed to find it. Slowly, I took the decision to stand up very carefully. I am very pleased to say that I found the screw surprisingly easily.

That means I am able to watch the opening session of the Test match, England v South Africa, as normal in spite of the slight eye strain I woke up with!

DW
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Burned Bonce!

Went to the Party in the Park in Germany last Saturday afternoon and thought you would like to know that for the first time ever my scalp was burned by the sun.

My hair is short but I was surprised that the sun's rays found their way through.

Just goes to show, doesn't it!

DW
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A Widgenie Chart

I have created the following chart using Widgenie and whilst you might not use it yourself, let me tell you how easy it is to use ... it is really easy to use. At the time of writing Widgenie is free of charge and you can get it from http://www.widgenie.com/.

DW

HP Pavillion Tablet Notebook

This computer, bought only last November, has died AGAIN and is being returned to base AGAIN.

Nice spec, dreadful performance.

DW
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Champagne Socialists

Remember George Robertson? He was a member of Tony Blair's first Cabinet if my memory serves me correctly. He quickly left that Government, however, to become Lord Robertson and the Secretary General of NATO.

Then Robertson disappeared as far as I could tell, once his tenure at NATO had ended.

Fear not, I have found him again. What do you think this top Socialist is doing now? Select the right answer from the following four alternatives:

1 Deputy Chairman of TNK BP
2 Deputy Chairman of TNK BP
3 Deputy Chairman of TNK BP
4 Deputy Chairman of TNK BP

Putting something back, then, George.

DW
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The Duvet

I decided yesterday that by early July I really ought to be sleeping under my 4.5 tog duvet rather than my 9 tog Autumn/Winter one.

I duly changed the duvet but was cold last night.

Global warming? As if!

DW
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My Backside!

Speaking of Holland, a Dutchman joined the throng this week and of course his English is excellent. Except when he said that he, "Entered the hotel from the backside."

I said, "Steady on!", the way we do.

He looked puzzled, I explained!!

DW
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A Dutch Field: collapse of the world order?

I am on a train half way down Holland from Amsterdam and I have just seen a field near Utrecht with a slight slope on it.

What next one wonders?

DW
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DXB egate mega top tip

So you go to Dubai by air a few times a year and you love the place: it's not a difficult place to love.

But you know your heart sinks when you come face to face with the immigration queues both when arriving (especially) and leaving. My worst nightmare on arrival was queuing for over two hours ... middle of the night after a largely sleepless night flight ...

Get yourself an egate pass. Issued by the Ministry of Interior and it will cost you just AED200 at the time of writing. You will breeze through all immigration formalities with this pass and feel much better for it. You get an ID card and they scan your fingerprints.

Magical top tip that one.

DW


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Be a Loser to Win

Remember Piers Morgan? He is the editor of the Daily Mirror who proved his worth by being sacked for incompetence.

Since then I see he has become a judge on America's got Talent (sic) and The Celebrity Apprentice.

A lesson for life? Well, it is in this modern nonsense world.

DW
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Low Cost Airlines? What a Joke

So, I will be in Germany over the weekend and need a one way flight home. I have booked my flight and it has cost me a staggering £160++.

The flight was nowhere near full when I booked AND they sneaked in a charge for choosing my seat. It says pay more for an exit seat and even more for extra leg room. It does NOT say you will pay just for choosing any old seat. They charge though!

I am just grateful that I don't deal with these people very often.

The headline price of the ticket is €140. What I actually paid is about 40% more than that.

DW
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More Cruddy Language

I watched a few minutes of a film the other night about King Arthur ... English king of yore and he of the Round Table.

I switched off when one of the characters was made to say in faux mediaeval English that he should leave "right now".

Who are these people who write such nonsense?

DW
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Memory Lane

On the plane last night and the films were just rubbish. The good news though is that I got the chance to listen to some really good, old fashioned high quality music.

The Beatles
Elvis
Queen
Simon and Garfunkle
ABBA
And so on

Life defining music every last song. I'm afraid modern pop slop does nothing for me

DW


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Eternal Youth

I've found it: the secret of eternal youth.

Get the 09:42 bus into town and all of the other passengers will be pass wielding pensioners with silver hair and a Dunkirk spirit attitude to life.

Difficult not to be the youth on that bus!!

Yet another top tip from duncanwil.co.uk

DW
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Fairy Tale

One day, a long, long time ago ... there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But that was a long time ago ... and it was just that one day.

The End

Thanks to the clever wit who put that one together.

DW
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Zimbabwe

After many, many years the cat is finally out of the bag and that repressive and murderous tyrant Robert Mugabe is openly doing what he said he would: murdering his own people, stifling anything resembling democracy and so on. I wonder what he will say when he meets his maker?
 
Now, however, we can hear pious and piteous bleating from the international community: why so long in coming? Why are these people only taking notice now? The people of Zimbabwe have nothing to look forward to now that Mugabe is getting away with murder.
 
There is talk of further sanctions being levied against the top 100 or 200 people in Zimbabwe. Whooppeee! Does that mean that their ill gotten gains that have been stashed away in foreign bank accounts will be confiscated and shared between the people of Zimbabwe. As if. Ever heard of numbered Swiss bank accounts? Ever heard of secret identities? Does anyone think that these people haven't hidden everything?
 
How about stopping them travelling? I have never done it and never will, but I think it would take me about a day to source and place an order for an illegal passport from just about any country I liked. I don't doubt some of these top people are way ahead of the curve on this one.
 
By the way, in case you don't know. In the glory days when Mugabe was able to travel freely, for example to collect his honorary degrees from the UK and his knighthood (wonder where that was conferred), he normally took a plane load of cronies with him and they raided the shops for weeks on end. How much money did they plunder to finance those trips? And did his wife really need Rolex watches costing many thousands of Pounds each? Funnily enough, everyone knew what Mugabe was doing then but who even suggested he was doing something wrong? No one: not even our own bleater in chief, the one and only Gordon Brown.
 
DW
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Chopper

As I walked through Manchester airport last week I came upon a man wearing an Orange County Cycles tee shirt ... That's American Chopper talk.

I went up to the man and asked if the tee shirt was genuine. He said, rather snottily I thought, no it wasn't. I said I was hoping it was and that he'd been to Orange County and met Paul Sr, Paul Jr and Mikey!!! Dismissively, he said no again.

No offence but this man had a Southern English accent!! 'nuff said.

DW
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Pissoire

Last Friday afternoon I was on a tram in Manchester having just left Piccadilly Gardens on the way to Old Trafford to watch the Lancs v Yorks Twenty20 cricket match. Then son Andrew pointed out the pissoire in the street ... Completely open to the street.

Honestly, I couldn't believe it. Where is the dignity and privacy in that? Where are we living, France?

Turns out there's a pissoire in Halifax too.

DW
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BMI ... AGAIN

I vowed never to fly with BMI again and you can search this blog's archive to see why.

However, as part of the trip to Riyadh that I am just finishing now, I was put on the Manchester - Heathrow - Manchester sectors, connecting to Gulf Air flights to run me down to Riyadh.

Needless to say, my luggage has not made it back with me. Moroever, I couldn't be booked all the way through from Riyadh to Manchester so I had to check in with BMI at Heathrow. The check in girl even kindly explained why I also needed to reconfirm my luggage with her. Otherwise, she said, it wouldn't be put on the same flight as me.

How prophetic that turned out to be!!!

DW
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Language again

A rather well spoken English woman was interviewed on BBC World's financial news from Singapore this morning and she used one of those stupid phrases that inadequates use. She suggested that a company had "kitchen sinked" a financial report.

Secondly, do you know the plural for Corgi? A Corgi is the Queen's favourite dog, of course!

DW
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The Sun

I am in Riyadh at the moment and one of my delegates asked me what the difference is between their sun and our sun.

I said the difference is that we can see theirs!!

Jolly japes!

DW
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Deleting Microsoft Office 2007

Before Deleting any software using Windows' Add/Remove Software utility do make sure you read what it is you are removing. After all, you wouldn't want to uninstall Office 2007 in its entirety would you? More particularly, you wouldn't want to unistall that software when Windows' Restore utility has been disabled for some reason would you?

 

That's probably a double top tip

 

DW

The Lawn

Hooray!

 

It has taken me a long time but when I got back from a recent three week trip I found my lawns to be knee high in grass. The grass just flourished during those fewweeks. It took me another couple of weeks to get my mind ready for mowing but I did nothing. Then this week my old neighbour shamed me by mowing my front lawn. Now, it's not a big lawn but he is quite a bit older than me and he just got on with it.

 

Galvanised, I then found the missing cable: my lawn mower has been standing idle since last August as I left the power cable in my old house in Abingdon. That is, I went online and bought a new power cable and it arrived yesterday.

 

So I spent just an hour or so hacking down my back lawn and whilst it is not at the same standard as my prim and proper Abingdon lawn (the best on my estate by far!), I have begun to look after it now. I will be buying lawn food, moss and weed killer for it now and will mow it more frequently than once in 7 months!!

 

When it is perfect, I will take photos and show you. NO before and after either: forget the past!!!

 

DW

The Secret of Dieting

I know there are lowly people who are fat and then become thin who go on to write a successful "diet" book. Nigel Lawson, one time miserable failure of a Chancellor of the Exchequor, was very blubbery, like his daughter, that ridiculously pseudo poetic cook Nigella.

 

Lawson lost his blubber and now looks more like a Rhinocerous than a person, illustrating just how fat he really was.

 

So, Lawson wrote a book that I believe became a best seller. It is doubtless just a collection of recipes and doubtless the recipes are interspersed with crappy motivational thoughts ...

 

Let me tell you the secret of losing weight, having lost over a stone (more than 14 pounds, more than 7 kg) myeslf recently.

 

Eat less. There you are, that's the secret; but there's more

 

Cut down on the fat: much more important than cutting out the carbohydrates.

 

Eat fewer sweets, chocolates and puddings.

 

There you are: simple

 

If you are a moderate to heavy drinker of alcoholic and/or high calorific soft drinks, drink less,

 

It's that simple and if you cannot do any of this then you are going to be or stay fat.

 

Exercise is important for general health and the more you do the better. In my own experience, especially as I get older, exercise is not such a weight controller. However, good quality exercise gets the heart pumping and the lungs shifting the oxygen around. So take more exercise, especially if you are a slouch and an idle Jack or idle Jenny.

 

Finally, sleep well: you don;t need to sleep more than 7 or 8 hours a night once you are an adult. You don't.

 

Get out of bed, take some exercise and eat and drink less.

 

If you want to pay me some money for that advise, just let me know and I will tell you where to send it!!

DW

DHL ... No thanks Parcelforce is better

I needed to send a package from Abingdon to Halifax and chose DHL. On the web I found the phone number of their nearest office, Leeds. This is what happened; and in each case I started by telling them what I wanted them to do for me..

1 Oh no you need next day delivery for that. Let me give you their number.

Dialled that number.

2 Ah no you've come through to Leeds, I'll give you the number you need.

Dialled that number.

3 Let me put you on hold a second ... I need to give you another number ...

I stopped her and said this is the third number they've given me and I don't need any more. Goodbye.

I then called Parcelforce and for just £14.99 and five minutes of my time they sealed the deal!

DW


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Slugs love fish fingers

I went out into the back garden this evening and found a tiny child' bike and then saw a bowl on the floor nearby with three fish fingers in it. Slithering their way into the bowl were three slimy balck slugs.

So now you know slugs like fish fingers don't you?

DW


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A lake?

It's funny but at least she can speak two languages!

I was chatting to a friend on MSN and showed her my front garden via my web cam. At one point she asked me, 'Is that a lake?' and I replied, 'No, it's a bird bath'!

DW
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Plug on the stairs: a top tip

Don't just throw an electical cable with a plug on the down the stairs in case it lands prongs uppermost on a step and you are stupid enough to step on one of the prongs thus gashing the sole of your foot causing prolonged bleeding.

DW
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More Politicians in the Stupid Tree

Have you seen the latest crackpot idea from our politicians? They want to give us all a carbon allowance that we can either use or trade with. So that's another hare brained scheme that is probably impossible to manage and that they will no doubt waste billions on trying to cobble together. These clowns have only fallen one level down the stupid tree but it looks as if they have firmly smashed their heads on the thickest branch as they fell. DW

Grandchild II Arrives

Ey up, let me introduce you to one of the planet's newest people: Rosalin Williamson.

Rosalin was born on Sunday 18th May 2008 in Germany. How about that and she was, as Shakespeare put it in MacBeth, from her mother's womb untimely ripp'd.

DW, the happy and proud grandad!

Is it London?

I am working in London this week and following a successful meeting I decided to buy a SIM card for my new phone. I did that and as I was finishing the transaction I cheerily asked if my new number was a lucky number. I got a reply that surprised me.

Charmaine said I could make it my lucky number if I wanted. Lighten up Charmaine!

Then I called in a Post Office to buy an envelope to send Dima a little something. I paid for the envelope and asked if I could take it to that counter to send it. The man behind the counter told me that he was closing in a minute.

I said, no, it will be tomorrow. However, I didn't ask him when he closed, I asked him about the services he provides.

DW
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Hold the phone!

How about this?

I have just spoiled myself and bought a new mobile phone at Dubai Duty Free. When I told the assistant about my BlackBerry she asked if she could hold it!

The first one she's ever seen she says.

Wasn't a pick up line either I'm sorry to say!

DW
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Shoulder back!

I congratulated myself yesterday when I realised that I hadn't felt any twinges in my left shoulder area for ages. These are due to sitting badly.

So, Sod's Law being what it is, today I am sporting a strain in my left shoulder area.

How do these things work? What law of nature and/or science is at play?

DW
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How about this then?

Isn't this nice of Pamela?

I am currently studying finance and I found your website <http://www.duncanwil.co.uk/invapp.html> http://www.duncanwil.co.uk/invapp.html extremely useful. It was much easier to understand that all the textbooks!
 
I typed in "Capital Investment Appraisal" and it was there on the first three hits.
 
I just wanted to take the time to write and say: Thank you!
 
Pamela MSc student Robert Gordon University Aberdeen
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Too close ...

Doesn't the phrase "too close to call ..." Get on your nerves?

It's fine for Americans but as a Brit it grieves me to see such informal language being used in supposedly high quality writing.

DW


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The name's Bond ... Duncan Bond

Small things: went to the British Embassy in Dubai this morning to organise a letter and they use one of those ticketing machines they use at the Waitrose deli counter.

I got there at about 0740 to find that my place in the queue was ... wait for it, 007.

There you go! Recognition at last for my derring do!

DW
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Brown should not be there anyway

I've said it before and I will say it again: anyone who actively seeks political office or appointment should automatically face a lifetime ban from politics.

Gordon Brown is at the head of such a list.

So many self selecting wastrel people in politics all over the world show that I am right.

DW
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Queue Warning ... Top Tip

Top Tip: If you ever see me in a shop or post office or anywhere else, don't join the queue behind me.

I got in the 10 Items Only queue at the supermarket. Three items only, so that was good then. Well, except for the family in front with a trolley with MANY items in. I thought they would leave the queue when they were told it was against the queue's rules.

Not a bit of it. That family stood its ground and caused a five minute delay at least.

These slow downs happen to the people in front of me all the time.

DW
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Theft

Someone is richer to the tune of £776.44 as a result of having stolen it from my bank account.

Ostensibly the charge is for services rendered by a hotel in Amsterdam. However, I was in Bangkok at the time. I stayed at that hotel in December last year though!

Got to Dubai to find a chap I was with in Amsterdam also had an attempt on his card but luckily for him the card he had used was out of date so they got nothing from him.

DW
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Raining and Pouring

My laptop computer ceased to be very early on Friday. Don't know why yet but my life depends on it.

Bought it in Dubai and am on my way there now to get it sorted,

DW
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Misery Guts

Leaving for another trip and got to Departures.

I had already drunk the last of my milk but had a pot of yoghurt left.

I confidently strode up to the two girls who were checking liquids and gels and that and asked if I could take the yoghurt through. I'm going to eat it straight away I said. She said, eat it now or dispose, pointing over her shoulder at the very bin I could use.

I cheekily asked if she'd got a spoon and glumly she replied that I should try one of the restaurants.

Lighten up a bit lass.

DW
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The Jackal? Don't think so

This is true: well, I can't verify the assassin part; but the rest is as it happened.

The clown next to me on the plane said he is an assassin on his way to Thailand to carry out a contract killing.

He proceeded to drink around 10 brandies. At one point he stood up and walked away from his seat without taking his headset off. He also tripped over his TV screen as we were sitting in bukhead seats.

At the end of the flight he fell down the aircraft steps but I broke his fall and then he stumbled into the loo in the airport transit area where he spewed his ring!

Hey, teach me the ways of the assassin, Grasshopper!

His greasy long hair and tattoos didn't cut it for me either!

DW
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10 years

Everyone who has been here for a while knows that I spent an excellent five years working at KIMEP in Almaty, Kazakhstan. A former student of mine there has just reminded me that he graduated 10 years ago in May of this year. That also led me to realise that 1998 was my final KIMEP graduation ceremony and I remember it very well and very fondly.

 

DW

Top tip on the stairs

When you are in a bit of a hurry don’t put your cup of coffee on the stairs and then try to balance an orange on top of an apple IMMEDIATELY above that cup of coffee in case the orange IMMEDIATELY AND UNSWERVINGLY drops into your coffee thus splashing coffee all over the stairs.

 

DW

Building site

This is a simulcast because of the business ideas in it.

 

Outside my hotel room this week I have been treated to the spectacle of a building site. Whatever the building is going to be, they finished laying the foundations at the start of the week and they have been working like ants ever since.

 

I watched them delivering and pouring concrete JUST IN TIME. Then watched as they have built things, laid things, moved things by crane. I am also interested in how they are storing things.

 

There are a couple of safety engineers and others with me this week and they are aghast at the way there are no rails, barriers, guards ... like what there would be elsewhere!

 

As Jerome K Jerome said, I love work I could stand and watch it for hours. I always thought that should have said, I could SIT and watch it for hours; but who am I to correct such a genius?

 

I have taken a couple of photos and really hope that I will be on this side of the hotel when I come back next week.

 

QUESTION: what does the K stand for in Jerome K Jerome. First to answer wins a prize.

               

DW

More IT Smartness

A delegate said her laptop's screen had given up the ghost so she brought it in. Nothing outwardy obvious and pressing the expected buttons did nothing.

We looked for the reset button but couldn't find it. I then removed the battery and found water. Oops!

Huge denials of course.

I reckon the chambermaid knocked a bottle of water over the thing and kept shtum.

DW
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Read the Small Print

It pays to read the small print. You know my car was stolen in December. The insurance company paid out: half of what I thought they should.

Today I called the insurers for my unused premiums back. I was told that the small print says I can't have them back. I checked and found it to be true.

So effectively the money they paid out was virtually nothing.

Top tip then: read the small print AND don't use the NIG insurance company.

DW
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He Works for an Airline ...

... So tell him my favourite aeroplane story!

Made the 1050 flight to Manchester today and just across the aisle from me was a BA cabin crew chappie who was obviously being put in place following their many cancellations.

Following a thumping landing the man sitting next to the BA chappie decided it was time to regale the self same BA chappie with his own favourite iffy aeroplane landing. The listener listened politely and might even have been interested, who knows!

DW
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Long haired and the drum roll

It is a world wide phenomenon I suppose that men who play a guitar or the drums or sing in a group often feel the need to sport long hair or wear a woolly hat. Odd that ... A complete lack of individuality and absolute conformity.

Didn't know that when someone in a group says something funny or witty on stage they STILL earn the right to one of those little drum rolls! Saw this in Bangkok and Pattaya.

DW
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T5 Day 2

Woke really early and saw on the LHR departures board on the telly that my 0630 fight has been cancelled. I looked for options and found a couple. I ate breakfast and left the hotel at around 0530. Even though it was only about 0545 when I got to T5 the customer services queue was already 100 metres long. I would like to be on the 0740 flight. Oink, oink; airborne pork!!!???

0811 and after two and a half hours in a queue to find another flight I was booked onto the flight I missed yesterday ... The 1050.

Noticed 11 customer service desks not open ... That's more than were open!!

Above the desks is a notice saying:

Welcome to our new home

I was ready make a quip about it saying:

Welcome to YOUR new home!

The BA man appreciated my attitude ... Non threatening and non angry and he gave me TWO refreshments vouchers!! 5 quid each.

In the security queue now at around 0830.

What a palaver.

Two more WCs: one with lock broken and the other where the door doesn't meet the jamb so the lock can't do its job even if it wanted to.

I used one the refreshment vouchers at Pret a manger.

DW
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Heathrow Terminal 5: my first impressions

I got to T5 at about 0745 on Sunday morning just over one week after it opened to passengers.

Queues are still delineated by those cheap movable ribbon affairs
I spent a total of around 30 minutes queuing for passport control and security.
Just before passport control they have fenced off an open area with hideous plywood block board painted white
They are taking photos of Brits at passport control and when someone taller or shorter than average turn up, the immigration officer reaches out and manually adjusts the position of the cam ... Even in Thailand they have cameras at passport control that can be adjusted much more sensibly than that
A WC I visited is already leaking and the seat is cracked
It already looks as if it is going to be too full too quickly ... Room for expansion of passengers?
There are no bins near the cash machines so the unwanted receipts will end up on the floor
There seem to be far fewer cash machines than in other parts of the airport
All of the artists' impressions I have seen of T5 before show a very large open plan space whereas the reality is far removed from that

To cap it all my flight to Manchester was cancelled and my luggage has gone missing again. So I am at a hotel for the night.

DW
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Airbus A380

Just arrived at Heathrow from Bangkok and on the way from Terminal 4 to Terminal 5 I saw my first Airbus A380, in Singapore Airines Livery. Not sure whether it's the first ever commercial A380 as I read somewhere that three have been delivered so far. I have to say it doesn't look as long as I thought it would.

DW
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Opposite

I know I won't be the first to spot the possible irony in this but I hadn't seen this book until about eight hours ago:

This is what you see on the front cover of a book by Paul Arden:

Whatever you think think the opposite: Paul Arden author of the world's best selling book.

Does that mean it's the worst selling book then? Or that we are meant to believe it is the worst selling book?
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Beijing here we come!

I am more than delighted to tell the world that my daughter Fran has just qualified to represent Britain in her swimming event at the Beijing Paralympics.

I will keep you fully informed at all stages of course.

DW
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Snake in the Grass

We just went for a lovely walk, Tar and me, during which we met a fellow Brit. Just before we met the Brit, however, we came across the smallest snake I have ever seen: no bigger than a pencil in all respects.

 

Of course, that tiny snake was like T Rex to a petite Thai lady so we had to turn round and go back the way we came ... that’s when we met the Brit. We were just beginning to walk around the very nicely landscaped lake at the back of the houses here in Min Buri. Never mind, we then went off in a different direction and had a different but equally lovely walk in the gloaming, as they say in Scotland!

 

We finished our walk by sitting and chatting at the tuk tuk stop: the stop just outside the estate where the larger style tuk tuks stop to take one to the main road and the shops and beyond, around 2 kilometres away. I walked that road last week and whilst that’s not very far, it is when done in 30 degree heat even though it was late afternoon when I did it!

 

So now you know!

 

DW

Baggage problems

I saw on the strap line on BBC World News this morning that an EU Minister has written to the UK’s Foreign Secretary David Milliband to complain about the loss of his luggage as a result of travelling through Heathrow Terminal 5. I will watch this story with interest and if I remember I will also write to David Milliband and ask whether he got involved. If he did, will h get involved in my case too?

 

If Milliband does get involved it will show the world how much of a club these people live in and how little we count for.

 

DW

Dating top tips

Gentlemen, when trying to woo a lady by mail, the following two genuine examples are best avoided

 

·         I don’t have a job, I don’t have any money and I am on benefits but I would like to get to know you ...

·         (Having enclosed a photograph of himself, this gent said) Don’t let the tattoos and scars put you off ...

 

Honestly, I have read these in genuine love letters!

 

DW

 

The Lizard and the Mouse ... possible top tips

What do you do

 

a)      If there is a lizard hiding inside the air conditioning unit?

b)      A mouse hiding behind the wardrobe?

 

a)      DO NOT poke the lizard with a stick so that it runs INSIDE the air conditioner and into the fan blades thus rendering it inoperative and necessitating a call to the air conditioning engineers

b)      RUN AWAY in fright and ask the young slip of a lass of a maid to chase it under your ever watchful eye so that she can catch it with her bare hands and then throw it off the balcony where it either survives or the fall kills it

 

These are possibly top tips.

 

DW

Thai Ladies melt into the Background

If you go shopping in a large supermarket in Thailand with a Thai lady in tow then stay together otherwise you will probably have considerable difficulty finding her later:

 

They are all around 155 centimetres tall

The majority have long black hair

Many of them wear a tee shirt and shorts

 

Top tip that and by way of a bonus it will probably apply across much of South East Asia!

 

On the other hand, if you both have a mobile phone with you and you know each other’s number ...

 

DW

Mugabe

Readers might care to reflect on Kal’s cartoon in this week’s Economist: http://www.economist.com/daily/kallery/displaystory.cfm?story_id=10881977

 

I have posted this comment on that cartoon with which you may agree with none, some or all:

 

This anti Mugabe cartoon is very perceptive of course. However, how will the world's politicians and other international influential people be held to account when Mugabe wins the up and coming election?

Gordon Brown has made a bit of a stand against Mugabe but he stood alone; although Angela Merkel said some stern things at an EU summit in support of Brown's ideas. Since then?

I have just heard on BBC World news that Morgan Changerai has threatened to withdraw from next week's election if some changes are made to the way the votes are counted. Even he is prepared to throw in the towel and thus will also have blood on his hands.

I visited Zimbabwe late in the 1980s and in the early 1990s. I saw an old colonial State where things seemed to work and, unusually for the Region, where the major roads were brilliant!!

We have to ask how Mugabe has survived so long and with such deleterious effect. Yes he was a freedom fighter. Yes he is seen by some as a hero. But he is reigning over a murderous and financially ruinous regime. Mugabe blames Britain and the US and big business for his country's problems. But Mr Mugabe, you have been President FIVE times already, don't you have enough power to set at least most of your problems straight?

Don't forget the power of the hangers on: those people behind the throne and for whom life is probably exceptionally good.

 

DW

Luggage ... wet luggage?

The luggage eventually arrived then: late in the evening when I was out to dinner and far too late to use in my training sessions. I was a scruff for the two days then! I thought you'd like to know that the case was sopping wet when I got to it and there was water damage to:

• my suit ... it stinks now
• my spare jeans
• six shirts, casual and formal
• black formal socks
• white sports socks

Since it hasn't rained anywhere near Bangkok airport over the last few days I wonder where it got so wet? They also made a real mess of my Emirates Skywards Rewards luggage label: covered it with some hideous to remove sticky paper, I called them at BKK and they offered me GBP35 since I pointed out that they hadn't offered me any money to pay for my replacement shaving tackle, toothbrush and paste, deodorant and so on ... they wanted me to go to the airport and collect it. I told them I want to collect it when I leave the country ... GBP35 isn't enough either as I have had to have all of those items properly laundered. As a very frequent flyer you must appreciate that I tolerate a lot of hassle from a variety of arilines. Losing three sets of luggage since August is too much too:

• one case went for two months
• one case got to me after a week and just two hours before I left for the airport to go home
• this final case could well have been a farewell case except that I am staying on in Thailand for a few days extra

DW

Thongs but no thongs ... And it's a top tip

I am going to be ageist now.

Gentlemen, when you get to a certain age, the gluteus maximus muscles wither. That is not, repeat NOT, the time to start wearing a thong and parade around the swimming pool. Even if you are on holiday and nobody knows you!!!

That is also a top tip!

DW
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Luggage ... what luggage?

So you work for British Airways do you? I wonder how much pride you take in your work and your company?

Following my WEEK in The Sudan without business clothes and toiletries, here I am again waiting THREE days for my luggage to arrive. Again I have had to stand in front of people who really didn't pay to see me turn up in trainers, jeans and a casual shirt.

Clowns to the left of me,
jokers to the right,
here. I am,
stuck in the middle with you.

DW
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Short queues can be the longest

I joined a short queue to board the Manchester to Heathrow flight. Just two people in front of me as opposed to the five or six in each of the other two queues. Beggar me, though, but the scanner wouldn't read the home printed boarding pass of the boy at the front of my queue ... So what price the shortest queue now, eh? I am fated like that and I really am the world's worst queue chooser.

Luckily an opening arose in another queue and I took it. Somewhat immorally in a way as I sort of pushed in a bit. Just a bit; in the way that one can be a bit pregnant!!

On the plane prior to take off to Bangkok as I type this and looking forward to a fruitful few days' worth of work.

DW
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Drug Dealers

This is a simulcast on duncanwil and oxbow

 

Taxi drivers are interesting people: they know a lot about their community and must be a fantastic resource for a wide variety of people and not just taxi passengers either.

 

I heard from my latest taxi driver that in Halifax drug dealers, the ordinary every day young drug dealers are making £6,000  DAY from their evil activities. Now, let’s imagine that this figure is an exaggeration ... how much of an exaggeration, I wonder.

 

These people buy houses too to get their filthy money into legitimate cash streams. They don’t buy for cash since that would look suspicious and they don’t buy more than one house in their own name either. They buy a house for themselves and then another one for their ... father, mother, brother, sister, wife ... who knows. More than that, they put down as much as a 70% deposit and take a mortgage for the rest. These people are potentially buying a couple of houses a month.

 

This news, taking it at face value, rather points the mocking finger at Freakonomics doesn’t it? In the book, reviewed last year by yours truly, they ask the question why so many drug dealers in the US live with their mothers ... the answer is clear: either they don’t or if they do it’s because they are hiding their huge stashes of cash. Easy to pull the wool over some people’s eyes isn’t it?

 

What are the police reported to have responded when told about the activities of these leeches on society? Erm, that they are looking for Mr Big rather than these also rans. Really? £6,000 a day is £42,000 a week and that’s £2.19 million a year. No tax, no records, no bother if the police are after them. Moreover, that’s £2.19 million for EVERY drug dealer operating at the level the taxi driver was talking about.

 

This is obviously a BIG problem when multiplied out onto a national scale.

 

DW