This is a true story

I stayed in the excellent Sheraton Corniche in Abu Dhabi and I feel it is among the best hotels I have ever stayed at: although I didn’t get the chance to use the facilities at the hotel beyond the basic, I took a walk around the swimming pool complex and it is brilliant. They haven’t gone for a simple rectangular affair or for the Olympic size look and feel. They have gone for a mixture that suits the serious swimmer, the paddler and the child. Having said that, the serious swimmer looking to do 100 lengths before they open their eyes in the morning would be disappointed. But for the family and someone just looking to recharge their gills and fins, perfect.

 

I did my four days’ worth of work and left to spend the last night of my current trip to the Emirates in Dubai. The taxi driver was good until we got to around 20 miles out of Dubai city centre and then we hit the traffic. A door to door journey from one hotel to the other should have taken 90 to 105 minutes according to the distance and the speeds we were able to clock up. We were on target for that until those last 20 miles. Instead of arriving around 7 pm, then, I actually checked in just before 9 pm. One thing that puzzled me was the number of people going INTO the city. Normally, people LEAVE a city in the evening to go home so who, apart from people like me, are these people who feel the need to get in my way in the evening?

 

I was heading for a hotel I had never stayed at before in a part of the city I had not been to before. The taxi driver’s English wasn’t that good so we couldn’t communicate that well and he didn’t know Dubai at all either. We made no headway and speaking to someone at the hotel in Arabic didn’t help: he just didn’t know the city. We got to within a gnat’s nadger of the hotel but then a one way system cut in to make matters worse. Then the driver did something extraordinary: we got to what would turn out to be within 100 metres of the hotel but he decided to turn right instead of taking a U turn and we ended up in a maze if not a rabbit warren of back streets. I made him return to where we were within 100 metres of the hotel and I got out. All nice a friendly but I could see that leaving the car and letting the man go back home was the best option for both of us. The hotel called me and I told them where I was and they sent out a search party for me: very kind of them don’t you think? As it happened, I spotted the hotel before the search party spotted me and all was well.

 

I was festooned with staff once I got into the lobby: honestly, at least 8 people started to look after me. It’s a new hotel and they were clearly learning their systems and trying out their customer service training.

 

Despite the fact that I am a little deaf I am very sensitive to night noise, especially in an unfamiliar environment. Even thought the room was big and comfortable, there was a lot of traffic noise, aircraft taking off noise and lorry reversing noise. The hotel is smack bang along side one of the new Metro stations and there is construction work going on 24 hours a day: they were making deliveries of materials all night, hence the lorry noise.

 

I woke up around 2:45 am and then was kept awake by the noise for an hour or so. Then again, young Master W felt the need to send me a text message so bing, bing, the mobile phone screeched out at 3:15 ... we then had a text message conversation which began with the clot asking me for the answer to a question we had SPOKEN to each other about just a few hours before. During that conversation I thought he had understood that I would be giving him the answer to the question in a WEEK or so.

 

I went back to sleep and slept until just before the alarm went off at 7am. Good! Showered, closed the cases and headed off for breakfast.

 

There then followed a massively stressful event as I asked the hotel to get me a taxi at 7:40 and then tucked into my milk, cereal and fruit. I checked out and was told to wait as the taxi wouldn’t be long. At 8:10 or so I insisted on being involved in the taxi procurement process and was sent to the back of the hotel where the young lad hunting down the dratted thing was standing behind the hotel, in a quiet back street ... absolutely no chance of getting one in my opinion. I asked him to phone for a taxi, which he did. I couldn’t stand it though and after 5 minutes said I couldn’t wait there any more and asked where we should go to try to guarantee greater success. I led the charge: I am 1.91 metres tall and he was around 1.65 metres tall at a guess. So I was always well ahead of him.

 

We then stopped and started and ended up on a busier but no more fruitful street. I really didn’t know what to do. My helper was keen and willing but unable to help me. He didn’t know which bus, if any, I could get to the airport ... I called the office and they did their best and promised to mobilise a car; but that would take 15 – 20 minutes to reach me.

 

I then moved on a little more and within a minute I was ensconced in a taxi. I said to the driver, thank you very much but I am in a very, very big hurry. It was now 8:50 and my flight was leaving at 10:10. See why I was in a crisis mode and had been for the best part of an hour?

 

The driver really put his foot down for me and we had a lot of unusually clear tarmac to go at. We did it and he got a big tip for his pains. He did tell me though that yesterday, a colleague driver picked up a fare of someone going to the airport and because of the traffic he got to the airport at 9:30 for a flight time of around 10:00 and ... missed it. Just what I wanted to hear.

 

I got there, then, checking in with around about 15 minutes to spare. As I checked in, though, there was another chappie checking in at the next counter and he had a pipe with him: a deer stalker type pipe and that set me on edge for a second as I have just finished reading a Kathy Reichs book in which an aeroplane was brought down when a pipe smoker stuffed a smouldering pipe inside a duffel bag that subsequently caught fire and caused an explosion!! I am typing this at 38,000 feet over Frankfurt with around 1 hour 05 minutes to go to landing at Heathrow so it looks as if we have got away with that one then!

 

DW

 

Internal Virus Database is out-of-date.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 7.5.503 / Virus Database: 269.16.4/1146 - Release Date: 22/11/2007 18:55

PMQs

Just watching Prime Minister’s Question Time on the telly and the PM began by expressing his condolences at the deaths of a some British soldiers in Iraq. Hon members respectfully mutter, “Hear, hear!”

 

The PM then went on to offer his congratulations on the occasion of the Queen’s Diamond wedding anniversary. Hon members’ loud cheers.

 

Priorities?

 

DW

The phone company now ...

Surely this is the last one!

 

Late yesterday when replying to a text message, my mobile telephone stopped working.  Coincidentally, my e-mail outbox had stopped working too. I made a sort of connection between the two for a reason I couldn't fathom.  Then, I realised there could be no connection so I tried to make a call on the phone ... I was directed to my provider. I learned very quickly that they believe that I hadn't paid my bill.  I went to my files and found all the relevant documentation but I couldn't prove that I had paid the last amount.  It was too late by this time to talk to anyone so I let it rest until this morning.

 

This morning then I called and was confidently told that my direct debit was in operative.  I hasn't to explain themselves which they did and told me that he takes between four and six weeks for a direct debit to be fully established.  I knew this and had this explained me before but my problem is in this technological age I can't understand it.

 

I then asked them to explain why they had warned me that they want to cut me off if they felt I was at fault.  I also asked her what would happen if I couldn't now pay the bill over the phone using a debit or credit card.  She told me I would then be without a telephone until they could collect money to my direct debit: meaning that I would have to wait at least a week and possibly five weeks before it would be switched back on.

 

I then said that I had been a customer of theirs for many years now and in spite of that they felt that they could just coming off with no notice. 

 

There was then a short pause and the lady apologised and began the process of releasing my telephone so that I could use it again.  She did the right thing and I then immediately told her that I would play the amount showing as owing on my bill; and I did.  I can only hope that there is now a note on my account that tells them if by any chance be direct debit still isn't in place by the time of the next payment not to chop me off without talking to me.

 

I've even got a letter from them from the middle of October telling them how pleased they were that I set up a direct debit with them ...

 

Anyone following this blog over the last two months or so must have formed  the impression that I am mad, angry and a bad debtor: someone who is financial affairs are completely out of control.  Not the case although I am now very wary of moving house and setting up new direct debits because the system really isn't transparent and it's not certain.  In several cases I have gone to the wire over such direct debits.  I was even summonsed to appear in court or one of these cases when I was able to prove that I had done absolutely everything right and the fault lay with them; and it was only by luck than I came home early from a trip otherwise who knows what they would have done

 

DW

Oh my ...

I am not especially religious but I have just cringed at the latest person on the telly to say “Oh my God” when she saw what the DIY crisis team had to rebuild her bathroom.

 

I know a lot of people who find that phrase especially offensive as it is thoughtless and blasphemous for them. It’s also symptomatic of a week vocabulary,

 

DW

 

 

Place names

Here we are in West Yorkshire and as I am exploring the place again, I have come across the following names on the maps of the area:

 

Slaughter Gap

Sleepy Lowe (in the middle of nowhere!)

Cat i' th' Well ... next to Caty Well Bridge which spans Caty Well Brook

Sentry Edge

Tom Tittiman

Bog Eggs Edge

Dick Ing

Foul Scout Wood

 

Now, I don't suppose they are the funniest names or the most unusual but they are odd ... unless and until one knows where they came from, that is.

 

DW

 

Top Tip

Here’s a top tip:

 

Never turn on your washing machine and then leap into your shower where the water is heated by means of one of those electric instant water heating boxes.

 

DW

More fighting

Trouble is following me in a small way at the moment. I got back home on Friday to find a letter from the local County Court to tell me that I've been summonsed to appear before them on Friday for, er, well, PAYING my Council Tax. Don't you mean NOT paying your tax. No, let me explain.

 

Mid October and I got a reminder from the Council reminding me that I hadn't paid my tax yet so would I attend to it ... so I did. I called them and apologised and asked what to do. Fill in the form, pay the amount outstanding by cheque and away you go is what they said. So, it's all documented: on 16th October I went to the council offices and HANDED OVER both my cheque and my direct debit mandate for the rest.

 

Because of someone's incompetence it took them over three weeks to present my cheque and in the meantime someone else has taken my case to the Court.

 

On Saturday they sent another letter telling me what a naughty boy I am and they're taking away my toys ... I can't pay by direct debit so they want me to pay everything NOW, NOW, NOW. I can just see someone stamping their feet at me ;-)

 

I'm about to call them and ask for their explanation and so on.

DW

What's an anniversary then?

I have seen TWO examples of the latest English language nonsense today; both relating to the very sad Madeleine McCann story.

 

You might have seen a newspaper and a television news channel both declaring the six month anniversary of Madeleine's disappearance.

 

Now, what does the word anniversary mean? What does the part of the word anni come from I wonder? Anni comes from annus meaning year from Middle English which in turn came from Latin.

 

I know some people who read this blog think I'm mad as far as the corruption of our language is concerned: it's just something that bothers ME. If it doesn't bother you, fine: but don't be too critical of me. After all, everyone here doubtless gets aerated over something if it's not language and that's good for you. You are free to share your worries here by commenting, sensibly, by the way.

 

So, the newspapers really need to find another less lazy way of saying that it's six months to the day since Madeleine disappeared. Oops, there you are, I did it!

 

DW

Suits you sir ... now get out!

A colleague bought a bargain suit (top brand, 75% off in the sale) at a shop not far from where I am sitting. Having tried it on he felt it needed a slight alteration so sought a second opinion. Second opinion confirmed that an alteration was called for.

 

So off he trolled to the shop and argued his corner. They argued right back: difficult, it happens but looks fine sir, we can't guarantee ... He insisted so they said come back tomorrow evening.

 

He went back as arranged and they told him they had lost the trousers to the suit and because of that hadn't done the work on the jacket. They went through the motions of trying to hunt down the trousers but to no avail. Would sir like his money back after all, you're going back to England tomorrow aren't you?

 

Done! He was! They did it!

 

A fair result all round I think.

 

DW

Don't fill the kettle

A year or two ago I carried out a simple experiment at home. I filled my kettle with exactly the amount of water needed to make my tea/coffee and then monitored the time it took to boil. I then filled the kettle as I used to do, just turned the tap on an guessed the amount and checked the boiling time again.

 

Suffice it to say that if everyone was as bad as I was and then changed to what I did (sound like a goody two shoes don't I?) they will save £23 a year ... I know, what about a family of 3, 5 ... x; but then again, I am talking about the marginal change.

 

Multiply that out to 20 million households in the UK and then tell me I don’t deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. After all, Maurice Flanagan, the Executive Vice Chairman of Emirates Airlines has branded Al Gore's film, An Inconvenient Truth, as 'absolute rubbish'. Maurice, read this blog and you'll see I tend to agree.

 

More than that, Gore tells us all we’re all doomed because of our excesses but then flies around in an executive jet by himself and just a few others. At least I sit cramped in a plane with HUNDREDS of others!

 

So, send me to Sweden to collect the prize, thank you!

 

DW

 

Who thinks like this?

Just reading an article from The Economist and was befuddled by the following ... who thinks like this?

 

... The US this month established a new Unified Combatant Command (Cocom) dedicated solely to the African continent (excluding Egypt), Africa Command (Africom). Africom is as a sub-unified command under the US European Command (Eucom) in Stuttgart, Germany ... Previously, Africa had been split between three Cocoms: Eucom, Central Command (Centcom); and Pacific Command (Pacom) ... Reactions to the announcement of Africom have been somewhat mixed ... the US Agency for International Development (USAID), non-governmental organisations (NGOs) and charities.

 

... in late 2001 to establish the operations of the Combined Joint Task Force: Horn of Africa (CJTF-HOA) ... In 2003 the US announced funding of US$100m for the East Africa Counterterrorism Initiative (EACTI) to provide anti-terrorist equipment and training for ... In 2005 the PSI was transformed into the Trans Sahara Counter-Terrorism Initiative (TSCTI) ... The initiative is run by the US Naval Forces Europe (US Naveur) and involves ...

http://www.economist.com/daily/news/displaystory.cfm?story_id=10054460

 

Who thinks up and then learns all of these acronyms? Imagine a potential conversation, like this:

 

Me:   Is that CoCom HQ?

 

Them: No, it's Africom, you've got a wrong number.

 

Me:   OK, then: I need Africom, too, cos you're about to involve EuCom and CentCom in some kind of operational deal with PaCom, financed by USAID and some other NGOs aren't you?

 

Them: Could be, who wants to know?

 

Me:   Me! I was with JTF-HOA, TSCTI and US Naveur last week ...

 

For goodness' sake!

 

DW

 

 

I kid you not!

I have been walking to work this last week as I mentioned the other day and oh the joys of Shanks' Pony. On a pillar of an office block/shop is a fantastic little sign that says: Backside Parking ... here is a photo of the self same sign. Couldn't wait to tell you about it.

Reminds me of the time I was in India and was taken to a jeweller's shop. As he was trying to sell me some of his best he proudly told me that he had "300 jewellers in his backside". I kid you not.

Not the same, but went to a restaurant the other day with some fellow Brits and a couple of non Brits ... one of the non Brits was so pleased with his choice of food that he offered to share it with the rest of us. He said, "It's really quite good." No one had the heart to tell him that in English English being QUITE good isn't necessarily much of a compliment.

DW

Small World

In the other hotel this week, the one I've been working in rather than living in, I went into the restaurant for Breakfast and as I was about to sit down I saw Dr Chan Young Bang sitting at the next table with his family.

 

Dr Bang is one of Kazakhstan's most famous Korean residents as he was economic advisor to President Nazarbaev for a while and has been President of KIMEP essentially since it started.

 

We exchanged pleasantries a couple of times which was nice.

 

Small world isn't it?

 

DW

Security Guards or coffee servers?

OK, last of my walking across Dubai stories. At a cross roads at the end of the City Centre building I was walking towards a couple of young men who were wearing black uniforms, pocket badges and with things hanging from their belts. I thought, hmm, special forces ... be careful lad ... then when I got close enough I was able to read their badges: Starbucks Coffee.

 

How can you credit something like that?

 

DW

In a lift

Got in a lift with two other men. One said something I didn't understand so
asked them what language they just spoke.

One said, Swedish, what language are you speaking.

Funny! We all laughed!

DW

Walking

It's good to walk ... not quite BT but there you are.

I am working half an hour or so's walk across Dubai from my hotel.

Day one took half an hour and aching feet. Day two took a BIT less time and slightly aching feet ... changed my route a BIT Day three, wore trainers (and a suit and tie!!) no aching feet, took 25 minutes to go and 23 minutes to get back.

Yes!

DW

Countries worked in or visited

I was asked this evening how many countries I had lived in or visited. Here
is my list of the 38 countries I have been to, not in any particular order:

The UK
Malawi
Kazakhstan
Zimbabwe
Kyrgyzstan
Uzbekistan
Zambia
Russia
Republic of South Africa
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Armenia
Georgia
Hong Kong
Thailand
Singapore
The USA
Canada
Brazil
Barbados
Ireland
France
Germany
Denmark
Holland
Dubai
Kuwait
Oman
Croatia
Serbia
Egypt
Kenya
India
Turkey
Portugal
Spain
Austria
Albania
Greece

DW

Language and swearing on BBC Radio 4

As always, I try to be fair to everyone so here is the response I got from the BBC to my recent rant against falling language standards on BBC Radio 4. I have provided here my further response.

Anyone can comment on the BBC's views and on my own ... but not anonymously!

DW

--oo0oo--

Dear Mr Williamson

Thank you for your e-mail which was forwarded to this department for reply.

I understand that you feel the BBC are not maintaining high standards of spoken and written English and feel that a number of our presenters are using 'Americanisms'.

The BBC is conscious of the need to maintain high standards of spoken English and pronunciation throughout its broadcasts. However, much of the influence on our lives comes from the United States and some American words and terms have been imported. American forms of pronunciation are preferred by many young people and if widely enough adopted, some eventually become accepted. In the end it is actual usage which decides whether or not a pronunciation is acceptable, whereas a particular pronunciation learned some years ago may not be the only correct form today.

With regards to the issue of bad language being used on Radio 4, if I can explain, BBC Radio does not operate a watershed policy in the same way as television. Our research shows that the number of children or young people listening to Radio 2, 3 and 4 is so minimal as to hardly register. Radio 1 and Radio Five Live's popularity with younger listeners brings with it special responsibility which the stations take very seriously.

We try to provide programmes of adult interest at times most convenient for a general audience without imposing unnecessary restrictions on writers and artists. This is a difficult area of judgement. We are guided by our experience of public reaction and our understanding of the kind of audiences drawn to particular programmes. The constant feedback from our audiences helps us know what material is and is not acceptable to them.

Again, I do appreciate that you deep concerns regarding the standards of spoken English across our networks and I can assure you Mr Williamson that we have registered your comments on our audience log. This is the internal report of audience feedback which we compile daily for all programme makers and commissioning executives within the BBC, and also their senior management. It ensures that your points, and all other comments we receive, are circulated and considered across the BBC.

Thank you once again for taking the trouble to contact us.

Regards

RC BBC Information

--oo0oo--

Dear R,

I wonder on what basis you are able to assert that young people prefer American pronunciation to some words and phrases? I also wonder why you think that the BBC should lie down and die on this matter.

I have had debates before, as have thousands of us I don't doubt, along these lines. No one is saying that what was good in the 1950s is bound to be good today. However, I find it really cheapening to listen to people who are clearly well educated and articulate speaking in the way they now do.

I would also like the official policy from the BBC on why they are prepared to accept Americanisms that emanate from an uneducated stratum of American society? As an example, just consider the use of prepositions by Americans: the BBC is now adopting wholesale that some prepositions are superfluous so can be abandoned. I know many educated Americans and they continue to use their prepositions properly.

Similarly, there has been a major trend to the abandonment of the definite and indefinite article both in speech and in writing: why have you allowed this to happen?

Are you really telling me that your reporters and editors are monitoring poorly educated people both in the USA and the UK and are then satisfied that we all should talk like them? If you are that is dreadful. If you aren't then I don't understand what you are saying. You might not be aware of it but the part of your response relating to swearing begins with one of the Americanisms that grates on me, "With regards to the issue of bad language ..." Why did you not say "With regard to the issue of bad language ..." as you should have?

I first raised the matter of swearing on Radio 4 a few years ago and received the same, to my mind astonishing, response: that virtually every listener to Radio 4 is an adult, so swear away. Again, is this editorial policy now? Are you telling me that swearing is no longer an issue for you?

I can't even write the word that they used on the Laurie Taylor programme I referred to in my previous message because it is so offensive yet it was used in the middle of the day and yet far from being a prude I was really saddened to hear it.

I wonder what you mean by "... unnecessary restrictions on writers and artists ..." Is it really felt to be the case that simply because an author or a presenter wants to use a swear word that they must?

Finally, you are seeming to assume that simply because your audience comprises almost entirely of adults that any swearing is acceptable. That's the astonishing part. You might tell me next to switch off the radio if I don't like the swearing: hardly a mature argument; but I have heard it. I like Radio 4 and you already know that I listen to it almost all day and almost every day and I don't see why anyone feels the need to impose swearing on me when it is absolutely unnecessary. If there were no swearing at all, no one would notice. No one would tell you that you ought to put some swearing into a play because a gangster is bound to swear ... it's just a ludicrous argument.

I think the BBC should be at the forefront of standards in all aspects of its work: upholding good standards of grammar and pronunciation as well as refusing to stoop to profanities.

Best wishes

Duncan Williamson

Deafness

There was an excellent article in yesterday's Gulf News on deafness. Anyone with a child who owns an iPod or similar will appreciate that not only is the UK heading for an obesity nightmare but these obese people of the future are also likely to be deaf or very hard of hearing well before the time that nature turns down the hearing volume for them.

 

I had a run in with young Master W a few years ago when I heard him playing his iPod at what I thought was an excessive volume level. I discussed noise, excessive noise and deafness with him and advised him that if he didn't adjust the noise level I would help him! Needless to say, a few days later I checked again and the volume was still turned up to far too high a level. I then sequestered the offending iPod for a few days to try to make the lad consider what he was probably doing to himself.

 

The lad told his mother after a couple of days that he NEEDED his iPod and asked her if she would return it to him. I had it with me in the car so she didn't know where it was!

 

I think the message in that case went unheeded but I said and did, as all parents should do, what I needed to say and do. I told him that I couldn't stop him damaging his hearing and I would do my best to help but at the end of the day, these iPod type things are dangerous and every parent has the duty to do their best to help their children in this respect.

 

Now though there is another worry on this front which is the advent of these noise reducing head phones. Try them and what you find is that virtually the only noise you can hear is what is coming from the iPod: all background noise is virtually eliminated. One way they do that is by having the ear pieces fitting very tightly into the opening of the ear canal. Now, couple noise reduction with too high a volume and I think the deafness problem can only get worse.

 

It might be seen as nannyism but parents and other adults in charge of children do have the duty of care and if that means that children need to be taught to think carefully about their actions then so be it: you've got to do it!

 

DW

The European treaty and borrowing ideas

To David Cameron, Leader of the Conservative Party and Leader of HM Opposition

 

Dear Mr Cameron,

 

The European Treaty

 

I can see no point whatsoever in your campaign re the European Treaty for a couple of reasons:

 

1 No one will fall for the tactic that the Prime Minister is failing to keep a promise

2 Someone is either lying to us or doesn't understand the Treaty

 

1 That is my personal assessment and you are free to disagree with it but I think you are wasting your time. If I were you I would move on to something much better than this. Europe has dragged down your Party before and it will do so again if you want it to.

 

2 William Hague was recently interviewed on Radio 4 and said that the new Treaty will mean a permanent European President. A fellow interviewee, a government Minister whose name I have forgotten, corrected Mr Hague by pointing out that whilst there is a provision for a European President, such a Presidency is for a two and a half year term, albeit potentially renewable. The current six monthly revolving Presidency is to be scrapped, as you are doubtless aware.

 

You repeated that misinformation on BBC Breakfast the other day: that there is to be a permanent Presidency.

 

Are you deliberately trying to mislead us or do you and William Hague really not understand what the Treaty says on the matter of the Presidency?

 

Borrowing Ideas

 

I pointed out to you the other day the results of some research by IBM to the effect that 20% of all innovations implemented by commercial organisations come from their competitors. Whilst you did not respond to that message, let me inform you that Virgin Atlantic has just let it be known that their idea for a 'drive through' service whereby their first class passengers go from airport door to aircraft door in 10 minutes, was essentially 'borrowed' from McDonald's the fast food chain. I don't hear anyone from McDonald's crying foul, do you? To what extent are you now changing your stance on the possible borrowing of your ideas by competitor Parties. After all, George Osborne is still desperately trying to take credit for much of the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s recent pre budget ideas.

 

Yours sincerely

 

 

Duncan williamson

 

Cc Duncan’s Diurnal Diatribe Blog