The Lizard and the Mouse ... possible top tips

What do you do

 

a)      If there is a lizard hiding inside the air conditioning unit?

b)      A mouse hiding behind the wardrobe?

 

a)      DO NOT poke the lizard with a stick so that it runs INSIDE the air conditioner and into the fan blades thus rendering it inoperative and necessitating a call to the air conditioning engineers

b)      RUN AWAY in fright and ask the young slip of a lass of a maid to chase it under your ever watchful eye so that she can catch it with her bare hands and then throw it off the balcony where it either survives or the fall kills it

 

These are possibly top tips.

 

DW

Thai Ladies melt into the Background

If you go shopping in a large supermarket in Thailand with a Thai lady in tow then stay together otherwise you will probably have considerable difficulty finding her later:

 

They are all around 155 centimetres tall

The majority have long black hair

Many of them wear a tee shirt and shorts

 

Top tip that and by way of a bonus it will probably apply across much of South East Asia!

 

On the other hand, if you both have a mobile phone with you and you know each other’s number ...

 

DW

Mugabe

Readers might care to reflect on Kal’s cartoon in this week’s Economist: http://www.economist.com/daily/kallery/displaystory.cfm?story_id=10881977

 

I have posted this comment on that cartoon with which you may agree with none, some or all:

 

This anti Mugabe cartoon is very perceptive of course. However, how will the world's politicians and other international influential people be held to account when Mugabe wins the up and coming election?

Gordon Brown has made a bit of a stand against Mugabe but he stood alone; although Angela Merkel said some stern things at an EU summit in support of Brown's ideas. Since then?

I have just heard on BBC World news that Morgan Changerai has threatened to withdraw from next week's election if some changes are made to the way the votes are counted. Even he is prepared to throw in the towel and thus will also have blood on his hands.

I visited Zimbabwe late in the 1980s and in the early 1990s. I saw an old colonial State where things seemed to work and, unusually for the Region, where the major roads were brilliant!!

We have to ask how Mugabe has survived so long and with such deleterious effect. Yes he was a freedom fighter. Yes he is seen by some as a hero. But he is reigning over a murderous and financially ruinous regime. Mugabe blames Britain and the US and big business for his country's problems. But Mr Mugabe, you have been President FIVE times already, don't you have enough power to set at least most of your problems straight?

Don't forget the power of the hangers on: those people behind the throne and for whom life is probably exceptionally good.

 

DW

Luggage ... wet luggage?

The luggage eventually arrived then: late in the evening when I was out to dinner and far too late to use in my training sessions. I was a scruff for the two days then! I thought you'd like to know that the case was sopping wet when I got to it and there was water damage to:

• my suit ... it stinks now
• my spare jeans
• six shirts, casual and formal
• black formal socks
• white sports socks

Since it hasn't rained anywhere near Bangkok airport over the last few days I wonder where it got so wet? They also made a real mess of my Emirates Skywards Rewards luggage label: covered it with some hideous to remove sticky paper, I called them at BKK and they offered me GBP35 since I pointed out that they hadn't offered me any money to pay for my replacement shaving tackle, toothbrush and paste, deodorant and so on ... they wanted me to go to the airport and collect it. I told them I want to collect it when I leave the country ... GBP35 isn't enough either as I have had to have all of those items properly laundered. As a very frequent flyer you must appreciate that I tolerate a lot of hassle from a variety of arilines. Losing three sets of luggage since August is too much too:

• one case went for two months
• one case got to me after a week and just two hours before I left for the airport to go home
• this final case could well have been a farewell case except that I am staying on in Thailand for a few days extra

DW

Thongs but no thongs ... And it's a top tip

I am going to be ageist now.

Gentlemen, when you get to a certain age, the gluteus maximus muscles wither. That is not, repeat NOT, the time to start wearing a thong and parade around the swimming pool. Even if you are on holiday and nobody knows you!!!

That is also a top tip!

DW
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Luggage ... what luggage?

So you work for British Airways do you? I wonder how much pride you take in your work and your company?

Following my WEEK in The Sudan without business clothes and toiletries, here I am again waiting THREE days for my luggage to arrive. Again I have had to stand in front of people who really didn't pay to see me turn up in trainers, jeans and a casual shirt.

Clowns to the left of me,
jokers to the right,
here. I am,
stuck in the middle with you.

DW
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Short queues can be the longest

I joined a short queue to board the Manchester to Heathrow flight. Just two people in front of me as opposed to the five or six in each of the other two queues. Beggar me, though, but the scanner wouldn't read the home printed boarding pass of the boy at the front of my queue ... So what price the shortest queue now, eh? I am fated like that and I really am the world's worst queue chooser.

Luckily an opening arose in another queue and I took it. Somewhat immorally in a way as I sort of pushed in a bit. Just a bit; in the way that one can be a bit pregnant!!

On the plane prior to take off to Bangkok as I type this and looking forward to a fruitful few days' worth of work.

DW
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Drug Dealers

This is a simulcast on duncanwil and oxbow

 

Taxi drivers are interesting people: they know a lot about their community and must be a fantastic resource for a wide variety of people and not just taxi passengers either.

 

I heard from my latest taxi driver that in Halifax drug dealers, the ordinary every day young drug dealers are making £6,000  DAY from their evil activities. Now, let’s imagine that this figure is an exaggeration ... how much of an exaggeration, I wonder.

 

These people buy houses too to get their filthy money into legitimate cash streams. They don’t buy for cash since that would look suspicious and they don’t buy more than one house in their own name either. They buy a house for themselves and then another one for their ... father, mother, brother, sister, wife ... who knows. More than that, they put down as much as a 70% deposit and take a mortgage for the rest. These people are potentially buying a couple of houses a month.

 

This news, taking it at face value, rather points the mocking finger at Freakonomics doesn’t it? In the book, reviewed last year by yours truly, they ask the question why so many drug dealers in the US live with their mothers ... the answer is clear: either they don’t or if they do it’s because they are hiding their huge stashes of cash. Easy to pull the wool over some people’s eyes isn’t it?

 

What are the police reported to have responded when told about the activities of these leeches on society? Erm, that they are looking for Mr Big rather than these also rans. Really? £6,000 a day is £42,000 a week and that’s £2.19 million a year. No tax, no records, no bother if the police are after them. Moreover, that’s £2.19 million for EVERY drug dealer operating at the level the taxi driver was talking about.

 

This is obviously a BIG problem when multiplied out onto a national scale.

 

DW

 

Life on Mars ... bladdered

And another thing ... in that episode of Life on Mars someone said they were going to get bladdered in the pub ... again, hardly authentic 1973 speak is it?

 

DW

Stair CASES, GOODS Trains and Life on Mars

First there was the stair case and now it’s the goods train.

 

These poxy people in the media have decided that stair cases no longer exist and neither do goods trains. AmerEnglish dictates that we must now talk about stairwells and freight trains. Well, I won’t: in the same way that a fireman is a fireman and not a fire fighter. A film’s a film and at the moment stays at the moment. At the weekend is not to be corrupted and here’s a good one:

 

Watching BBC Prime this week and I saw an episode of Life on Mars. Now, they have done a really good job with the decor, the knick knacks, the clothes and the cars but they can’t help themselves with the language. In the episode I saw they had one of the characters saying that things were “out there” ... that didn’t come along until the X Files if you remember ... 1990s, that. Another one was made to say that something would be done “right now”. Not even Michael Parkinson said right now in 1973.

 

Here continueth the fight against the doing down of our language by the 12 year olds that Ed Reardon warns us about!!

 

DW

It's a different world

Here we were again, on the way to Dubai heading for a week a week in Kuwait when the flight was delayed:

 

Late arrival

Technical fault

 

Well, it arrived and would have been ready almost on time I think but whatever the fault was, it did for the flight and I missed my connection to Kuwait. Saturday night is a relatively quiet time at Dubai airport but I still ended up in around four or five queues that I would not otherwise have taken part in.

 

However, I was more than calm for some reason: I knew that Dubai to Kuwait is just a short hop and that there are probably a few flights a day. Right then wrong ... not on Sunday anyway. So I needed to stay overnight in the Millenium Airport Hotel ... Emirates wing. A surprisingly big hotel given its frontage. So I got in the queue at the transfer desk to get a ticket for the next flight, at 1610 onSunday; I queued to have my passport stamped; I waited for the shuttle bus to get to the hotel and then there was a long queue for check in. It was 0430 local time before I got to sleep.

 

At the airoort entrance they were shouting out for passengers for Kuwait so I responded and changed direction. As I did so I stumbled a little, a little, over someone’s bag on wheels. I said sorry and he replied with, “You will be”. Englsihman, of course. I didn’t have the energy or desire to ask him what he meant since it was an accident, a very minor collision and no harm was done. Clown.

 

My luggage was checked through to Kuwait so I didn’t have it with me but a porter insisted on helping me with my brief case. When we got to the room he hovered and I said, I’m sorry I don’t have any Drhams and he replied, “any currency will do”! I admitted his steely nerve but told him that all the notes I had were big ones, eg £20 and I couldn’t let him have so much. OK, he said and left.

 

I slept for around 5 hours or so and forced myself into the shower and then to breakfast ... which, apart from the coffee wasn’t bad.

 

A three star hotel with 600 rooms. Quiet and tidy though but no BBC on the telly!!

 

DW

Who gets what?

China gets a lot and eats little

Britain gets a lot and eats a lot

Japan gets little and eats little

Australia get a bit and eats a bit

 

What are they getting and what are they eating and is there a relationship between getting it and eating it?

 

Need some help sorting this out? Take a look here then. Over 18s only, mind! http://www.economist.com/research/articlesBySubject/displaystory.cfm?subjectid=7933596&story_id=10700695

(This link will probably be changed fairly quickly ... it’s 7^th March 2008 as I write this).

 

 

DW

Great idea ... teaching English in Thailand

I got a link via google telling me how I can get to tropical islands in Thailand and teach English.

 

I can go for 2 weeks, a month, three months

I will sleep in a chalet on the beach

I will receive Thai language and cultural training

And more

 

Sounds great, I’d love to go but want to know if I can afford it: what’s the salary? Erm, what do you mean salary? This is a life changing experience.  You will give and receive so much.

 

What about air fares, you will get me there and back won’t you? Hmm, you’re not understanding this are you ... this is a life changing experience for you AND your students. You will come back vastly enriched. You will be working on a tropical island.

 

So, I pay to get there, there is no salary and the longer I stay the more I pay for housing and food and so on?

 

Yes, that’s it. Well done! Listen, this is especially ideal for young people trying to find themselves. You know the sort, they wear tie die clothes, they have dreadlocks or plaited hair, they often don’t wash for a week ... oh and they carry huge back packs ... it helps if they’ve got more money than sense too. Mid life crisis people are also encouraged to apply.

 

I wouldn’t do it under those terms and conditions.

 

DW

Putin Bows Out ... yes he does

There's a swarm of people from the BBC talking absolute twaddle at the moment. They have been galvanised by the Presidential election in Russia. They are so excited that they sent their WORLD Affairs Editor to Moscow to reassure the British people. The story they are pounding out is to ask that Medvedev has won the poll but who will wield the power? These clowns think, or want you and me to think, that they are so clever with their political insights and acuity. They thnk that Medvedev is so inexperienced that he cannot possibly govern Russia and that Putin is so desperate that he needs to retain all encompassing power over the land that clearly needs him and only him. Now, I for one don't think they are right for a single second. If Putin does become Russian Prime Minister then fine. I fully expect Medvedev to be a fully effective President. One thing they do NOT go on to suggest is that there must be someone behind Barack Obama too. Why do I say that? Well, what are Obama's qualifications for the highest political office on the planet? Very few ... well, the same as George Bush, the current incumbent, for example ... get the point? Where did Putin learn to be President of Russia, by the way? Oh, it was in the Kremlin as he'd never held high office either. Whilst the BBS has other competent correspondents in Moscow and so on, they still allow John Simpson to blunder from Zimbabwe to China to Russia and all points East and West with his faux analyses and out pops some drivel. I find his reports comprise regurgitations of the briefing papers he managed to wade through on the plane to his latest assignment. End of rant for today. DW

Fran Swims a Length

When I was in Cambridge last week I went with my daughter Fran to watch her training in her local swimming pool. As you know, Fran is a Paralympian and is currently training for the Beijing Paralympics. Strictly speaking Fran is training to qualify for Beijing: she has qualifiers in April. Best wishes to Fran for that. We got to the pool at 7:30 am and it opened at 8 am. It takes Fran a bit of time to get ready and by the time she got to the pool it was already pretty busy. However, I was delighted to see that when she got poolside she chatted to the attendants for a few seconds and they opened up a private lane just for Fran. Apparently they do this every time now in recognition of Fran’s devotion to swimming. I could also say it's the least they can do but I will not as that would be churlish. It's a good because of course there aren't enough training facilities in the Cambridge area so people like Fran have to use public facilities. So opening up a private lane for one hour for one athlete every now and again works out to be very cheap: it's very cost efficient. I hadn't seen Fran swimming quite a while and was delighted at her progress. Given her general abilities I would say she swims very well now. Fingers crossed we will all be together in Beijing in September. Set your video and DVD recorders are now! I hope you apreciate the photograph of Fran pounding away at the water in Cambridge taken by yours truly... DW

What's in a strap line?

I love things like this:

 

Our name means a great deal

 

I keep meaning to make a record of all such strap lines but never quite get round to it.

 

Here’s one that is currently resting in the SPAM section of my gmail account: PERMANENT RESULTS that will last.

 

Well, at least you’ve now got an example of tautology.

 

DW

Slate Loose

I know I am opening myself up to ridicule but last night I heard a crash outside the house and thought that something was being blown around the garden: a cardboard box or something. I took a look outside and saw a slate had come crashing down from my roof.

 

Until that point I was completely unaware that I had a slate loose. Still, always the last to know, eh?

 

DW

 

Why buy a new computer when ...

This post is also to be found on the ICT Blog of www.osltraining.co.uk

... your old one is perfectly good?

That self same daughter I mentioned in the previous post told me on arrival that she had bought a new laptop at Christmas because her old one was running so slowly. I asked her to show me what she meant and she was right ... it really was running horrifically slowly. Word took ages to open, web browsers took an age, opening windows explorer was a nightmare. I took at look for viruses and spyware and so on but found nothing.

I took at look at all the services that were running and didn't see much to worry about.

So I thought I'd tidy away all of the software that daughter Fran no longer used. Nothing outrageous and nothing apparently evil.

After an hour and a half or so, however, I handed the computer to Fran to ask her to try to do again what she used to to ... open Word ... she did and found it was now back to the way it was.

You can guess what I said next! Why buy a new machine when a bit of TLC would have (and did) solve the problems?

Here's a funny thing: as I was about to hand over the laptop to Fran I asked her if the battery was OK because I wanted to pull out the power cable to hand it over. She said, yes, as far as she knew it was fine. So I pulled out the cable and ... INSTANT BLACK SCREEN ... followed by howls of laughter from the pair of us!! I checked and found that whilst the battery was 97% charged, it had not been seated properly in its housing.

Mirth, merriment and a newly invigorated laptop computer.

DW

 

Some top tips for the computer age ... or take a breath first

This post can also be found in the ICT Blog section of www.osltraining.co.uk

Two very valuable lessons learned this weekend: one by yours truly and one by someone else!

Predictive Text

Being of a certain age, I have spent the last few years ruminating on PREDICTIVE TEXT in sms messaging. Of course, it's rubbish we all said. Whoever designed that should have been sent to Siberia someone else said.

Well, I was with my daughter this weekend and in the space of ONE MINUTE she showed me how wrong we all are who don't understand and use predictive text. The key is to type away pressing just your key once per letter (not three times as yoiu otherwise do for the letter 'o' or 'i' for example) at a time and then wait until you get to the end of a word, whatever rubbish you think you are reading in the meantime. Once you have got to the end of the word, you will be surprised that for the vast majority of times, your predictive text has PROPERLY AND ACCURATELY predicted what you wanted to type.

Marvellous: that was not a complete user's guide but do read your phone's manual more carefully and you WILL find that predictive text is really very clever and it will probably save you loads of time from now on.

Lesson Learned ... the hard way

Imagine the scene: desktop on the desk, laptop on the chair and your external hard drive containing ALL OF YOUR IMPORTANT DATA FILES, PHOTOS AND MUSIC, is balancing on top of a bin bag containing your dirty clothes. Suddenly yoou trip over a wire and the external drive crashes to the floor. Not bad you think, just two feet or so ... couldn't have done any damage could it? Then again, you have frequently backed up your files haven't you?

WRONG AND WRONG for someone I know ... and no, it really wasn't me.

Two major lessons to be learned: when you hard drive is switched on and running, you can break the drive beyond your ken by dropping it from just two feet. Dropping the drive when is is switched off and the read/write head is parked is likely to do little or no damage ... now I will admit to doing that myself last week, purely by coincidence and I lost nothing.

A major computing crime, though, is not backing up or archiving your files FREQUENTLY. The more files you create the more backups you should do, as a very general rule. I also recommend for those absolutely vital files that you have one backup on your comp and one more on portable media. If it's very, very important then have another copy off site ... at home and at work, for example, in addition to your other two copies.

There is a young man in Bristol at the moment really wishing he'd taken the few minutes a week it takes to back up his work.

DW

Lorry drivers

I wonder whether there is a session that lorry drivers take part in during their training. You know the session I mean: the one in which they are taught how to overtake another lorry on an incline or ever a hill. The crucial aspect of the training seems to be that the overtaking lorry must be capable of going only one mile per hour faster than the overtakee lorry. Otherwise, how could the overtaking lorry block an entire lane of a motorway or other road for what are normally considerable times and distances?

 

Just wondering as I have completed a 650 mile round trip during which I saw such actions as I have just mentioned!!

 

Over to you, lads!

 

DW