Here's one of life's top tips that you would do well to heed. When you leave the house and you are the only one living there, make sure you take the keys with you that will get you back into the house again should you, wisely, lock the house if you are wandering, say, a couple of miles away on foot and/or for a lengthy span of time, say an hour or more. What's so top tippy about this? Well, I left the house late yesterday afternoon with a bit of stress as I was running around like a baf trying to ensure that an official letter was posted along with 30 accompanying letters. I took a set of keys with me. When I got home I found the keys in my pocket and they were, erm, the car keys. I searched every pocket three or four times but could not turn the car keys into house keys. Of course, if I were a television magician I would have. In fact, if I were a television magician I wouldn't need any keys, just a powerful mind would be enough. So no one at home but the spare keys are with a neighbour and ah, good, one of their cars is in the drive. I rang their doorbell. Silence ensued. I rattled the letter box a bit. Silence ensued. Gulp! Their car was nestled up against the garage door in the way they do when they go away for days on end or even weeks. £$"!"%*", I said. I milled around: I never leave opportunities for thieves. There was no way in and I didn't want to smash anything. I called Dima: nope, his keys are with him, not in the garage or anywhere else, except his room, in London. Thoughts of a conversation I had a couple of decades ago with my mate Barry Clayton: I said, let's invent the lock that is secure but impossible for the owner/residentto be locked out by. Why didn't I stick with that thought? I didn't. OK? That lock has not been invented: well, there are palm print recognition devices now but they are expensive ... Those push button combination locks come nearest but I don't own one of them do I? I sat in the car and waited for a while. The car steamed up and I was hoping that no one would see me and invite me in to sit with them as I waited for the neighbours who were now 45 minutes or so later than normal. I almost hid myself but living where I live, there's not much chance of anyone ambling along and spotting me! After an hour of waiting and against my better judgement I called a locksmith: I knew it was going to be expensive and I put it off as long as possible. They confirmed the job when they rang me back: we'll be there within the hour. Hour and a half at the top. My heart sank: £104 per hour or part thereof plus VAT plus materials. £$"!"%*", I said. Well, sit it out with Radio 4 on the car radio for company. 30 minutes, a vehicle coming my way, the neighbour opposite. 40 minutes, a vehicle coming my way, an attractive young lady for the young lady opposite. 47 minutes, a vehicle coming in my direction: it turned around and parked in the drive of the house opposite. I was now dreading the neighbours with the keys arriving at the same time as the locksmith and slid further down in my seat. 55 minutes and a vehicle came my way, it pulled into the key laden neighbours's drive. I hurriedly looked round to see if the locksmith had arrived with them, he hadn't. Acting quickly now, I got out of the car and said, 'I've been waiting for you.' The lady looked stricken, I said 'I left the house with the wrong set of keys and I'm locked out.' She let out a gasp and said, 'I thought we'd done something wrong ... Her partner said, 'Guilt! That's the legacy of a Catholic upbringing for you!!' I got the keys and waved at their baby and exchanged a few more pleasantries. All the while heading for the house to make my call. Set my things down ... where's the mobile? Stress, doom, the expense!! Went back outside, no mobile in the car. Back inside, looking in every available pocket of trousers and coat. No mobile. Kitchen? No mobile! Nooooo! It can't be. Then it turned up in the living room, on the arm of the settee where I'd put it! I called the locksmith, the number I'd first called and told them, being brave and confident I'd told myself, that I didn't need them now as I'm in! You need to call another number ... aaagh! More time wasted. They must be just around the corner by now. I called the new number and was brave and confident again. No need ... I'm in ... Thanks anyway. Oh OK, he said, I'll tell the engineer!! Phew! Praise the Lord, I said. In my several decades I have never taken the wrong set of keys before and I can't remember ever being locked out when it was my fault so this was a trauma for me. At the end of it all and to some extent, it's not the being locked out that's painful it's the time wasting that it involves that got at me. Fortunately I didn't have a chip pan on of a tap running. So all's well that ends well and praise the arrangement of neighbours looking after each others' keys! DW