Orang Utan Nonsense

Who are these ridiculous people they put on the telly?

 

I caught the second half of tonight's programme on BBC 1 on Orang Utans. They are following the work of an Orang Utan sanctuary in Borneo where they find baby OUs and so on and rehabilitate them then release them into the wild.

 

So this goofy woman took a baby OU for a walk through the trees and she was AMAZED when the OU climbed a tree. How did it know what to do?, she asked.

 

Then they came across a fully grown OU that had spent its life in a cage, poor thing. They released it into the wild immediately and then went back for a look see the following day. This woman was ASTONISHED to see the thing up a tree behaving as if it had been living there all of its life.

 

I'm sorry, woman, but these are wild creatures and they just know these things: sheep dogs know how to look after sheep without being told; snakes know how to eat mice without being told and turtles born on a beach with nary a mother nor a midwife anywhere near, know that they need to get into the sea and then do their business.

 

Can they put more intelligent people on these programmes? People who are neither AMAZED nor ASTONISHED when wild animals do what wild animals are meant to do.

 

DW

True story

How about this for a bit of nannyism?

Mr X was shopping at Tesco and when he was asked at the check out whether he wanted the vouchers for schools. He said no but the lady behind him in the queue could have them. That lady declined so the check out operator pointed at someone in another queue and said he could give them to her.

Mr X replied, 'Look at what's in her trolley. I'm not giving the vouchers to anyone who can buy that rubbish.'

I kid you not!!

DW

Vienna

So, I was in Vienna airport yesterday and because I had around five hours to kill I wanted to use their CAT train to get to the city sentre within 16 minutes. The instructions were entirely in German so found it a challenge. A knight in shining armour coming towards me: a member of the local constabulary.

Me:     Sorry, do you speak English?

Plod:   (Head goes down, pace of walking increases) Nein! (Walks off!)

That sorted that then.

I wandered on and found two more machines nearer the station but neither of them worked so I took it as my cue that I shouldn't bother. So I didn't. Pity; but I'll go next time!

DW

Dubai Story Two: Tarts in a Bar II The South African in our party had been with his wife and parents in law to an Indian Restaurant a few months ago and they said we'd enjoy the experience as it was fascinating. We went: he, his wife, the news reader, the psychologist and me. Excellent food. Horrendously loud singing all night from two men and a woman. An enthusiastic backing group too. Some catchy tunes but all of the songs were all in Hindi or Urdu so following the lyrics was a challenge. Then around a dozen very attractive ladies paraded onto the stage in a line: none was ugly and some were stunning beauties and all from the sub continent. The singer called out three names at a time and those three girls would remain on stage and would then dance, almost in time to the music, for the duration of a song. Then they would call another three girls to do the same. And so it went on. Then a chav approached the front of the stage and threw what looked like a fistful of business cards all over the stage. A man went onto the stage and swept them all up. Our psychologist announced that he knew which of the girls was sleeping with which singer!!! More singing and dancing and the odd bout of business card throwing. We all cackled at the thought that we were in with a chance with our favourite young lady ... usual man's rubbish talk. The news reader announced that he was in love and so was his chosen one. At some stage we started referring to her, perhaps uncharitably. as number 19. The South African sought out the owner of the bar and asked what was going on: who were the girsl, what was the chav doing (he had the baseball cap with the sinble biggest nib you've ever seen, by the way!) by flinging the cards ... The girls were ladies of the night and in order to spend some time with one, you had to remain there until the show was over and you had to throw your card onto the stage generally and one or even more of the girls would call you to arrange a date. Alternatively, throw your cards at your favoured girl, let's say number 19 for example; and if she liked the look of you she would call you. Good food and good company and the girls were lovely but we left at a commodious hour and as alone as when we arrived. DW

So I've done another successful stint and then in a hair raising dash to somewhere else to present a three day Train the Trainers workshop that went well too I believe. I am going to give you a few stories from that trip that include

• Tarts in a bar I
• Tarts in a bar II
• The quiz that was fixed
• It's only 16 minutes to Central Vienna ... Oh no it's not
• Thick with dust Tarts in a Bar I

There were seven or eight workshop leaders this time and one wife of a trainer. We went out for the evening to a bar/restaurant near the airport: eat all you can, drink all you can ... I think Lions would have been over faced by the amount of meat on offer to be honest. Veggies like me had little to choose apart from their glorious puddings. There really was an endless bar too but that was of no interest to me either. So I was happy with the ambiance and the company: apart from the loud and outrageously gay men on the table next to ours. Why do these kinds of gays have loud and lispy voices and mouths the size of the Channel Tunnel? Trouble is, although we were there until late, so were they!

There was a grump bucket in our party, sitting next to me of course, who tried to get me to leave with him at 11 pm. Not that he's gay, just that he wasn't enjoying himself and being far too tight to pay the entire £5 taxi fare, wanted someone to share it with. I stayed and so did he: like a cat on hot bricks he was too. There was a mainstream psychologist in our party and at times like that, it's best to put on a brave face on your personality can be laid bare once you've left the room. Wonder what he really thought about me? Paranoid perhaps?

Anyway, everyone left apart from three of us: we decided to go to the bar next door for a night cap and I had my first alcohol of the evening there: a pint of lager type stuff. The room was wall to wall ladies of the night with the saddest collection of flabby, old, foreign men I have ever seen. The girls were all in clumps of Russians, Chinese, Filippinos and others. One or two were very attractive but others were aggressive, not so pretty and were smoking like chimneys.

One young man found a very pretty young thing to dance with him but as he listed first to port and then to starboard, she resisted his attempts to maul here. I suppose he felt he was being amorous and as he might be a paying customer, it was fine by him. She clearly wanted his business but not his advances and whilst she left him soon after that eposide, she did go back to him but his neck was still listing at 45 degrees from the vertical so she left again.

One of our party declared he was in love and she was in love with him: the news reader we called him as he reminded us of a news reader from BBC World! The psychologist gave us a running commentary on what was happening hither and yon and I was eagle eyed at never having been in such a situation before.

The newsreader was in no fit state to test his hypothesis although I did try to teach him a few key phrases in Russian so that he could communicate with his would be paramour but his mouth lost consciousness! So we left and headed back to the hotel with the place still heaving: we had to pay to get in too but that included a free drink.

The news reader staggered from the car to the hotel with, believe it or believe it not, one of his leather flip flop type sandals on back to front. A miracle! You try it!! He headed off to the bar for yet another night cap astonishingly and he did make it to his 9 o'clock start seven and a half hours later.

See next messages for further instalments!

DW

The cheesemakers have arrived

Remember the Monty Python team lauding the cheesemakers? Blessed are the cheesemakers they said: Life of Brian, wasn't it?

Now, you might not believe it but it's true: there are two web sites that will allow you, I kid you not, to watch a cheese maturing in the way that it is sometimes said to be more interesting to watching paint dry or grass to grow or listening to a coffin warping.

Go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVMt9ECdOjA (this is time llapsed and is over very quickly) and http://lbx.cheddarvision.tv/ as far as I can tell this is real time television on the web. At the time of writing the cheese has spent 103 days and seven and a half hours maturing.

Ifyou're mad enough you could even find out about the cheese making going on over in Ambridge as Oliver and Helen try to come up with their own brand new cheese from the milk from Oliver's dairy herd.

It's all go isn't it!

DW

Steve McLaren

Steve McLaren as the England football manager. Now let it be said again that he shouldnever have been appointed to the job. They shouldn't call him head coach: head case more like.

It's dreadful to have been proven prophetic in a case like this but I was right and he will go next week if England fails to rout Andorra: let drew 0:0 with Israel last night and that's another team they should have routed.

 

DW

Stupidity don't you think?

Correction the doomsday clock is at five minutes to midnight at the moment, 24th March 2007.

DW

Stupidity don't you think?

Let me tidy up that last post.

There is something in economics and finance called the efficient markets hypothesis that contains a massive get out clause for the wary amateur: don't expect sudden changes in the prices in the stock markets because you think there ought to be. The efficient market has probably already taken account of everything you and I can imagine.

So how stupid then that as a result of the holding of those 15 Bitish servicemen by Iran:

Oil prices have risen to their highest level this year after 15 British navy personnel were seized at gunpoint by Iranian forces in the Gulf.
(See http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6485529.stm)

So a raging inferno is about to unfold? Universal conflagration? I don't think so.

End of that rant. New rant.

Now, what about that doomsday clock: currently set at seven mintues to midnight. Midnight represents armageddon. Now isn't that stupid? They initialluy set the clock around 60 years ago at a stupidly late place on the dial and every times something happens such as a Middle East crisis and global warming, the panic everyone into thinking armageddon is imminent. They out to have set it at around 2 am in my opinion and even now it should be no later than around 2:30 pm.

Who are these clowns?

DW

Scaps III: reminder

Finally! Older readers will remember that for my fiftieth birthday I was taken by my family to Harry Ramsden's original fish and chip extravaganza near Leeds as I'd asked for an experience that I could have enjoyed on the day of my birth. Fish and chips at Harry Ramsden's filled the bill.

The point is, that I asked for and got scraps with my dinner. Not just scraps but an entire plate of scraps all to myself. A side plate of scraps indeed. I must have a photo of them somewhere if Bill Gates didn't do for it when he did for the laptop I used to own!

Ah scraps! Are they really illegal now? If they are, no wonder we lost an empire.

DW

Scraps II: the sequel

Well, I'm shocked. Hot on the trail of my recent expose on scraps, as in chips and scraps, I have found an article on the web with the heading, This is 'Ull (This is Hull!) and in it they reveal the demise of scraps in that fine Northern city but they also reveal the shockng truth that scraps were on sale there too. More than that, just listen to this:

"Scraps have also been a popular tool for bartering with the local prostititutes. As elderly resident Arthur Handmill says : I remember when you could get a decent bit of how's- your- father for two shillings and a scrap buttie."

Now it may be that this article was initially published on 1st April so it might all be a bit of codology (pun intended ... chips shops ... fish ... cod and chips ... codology ... oh, forget it!) but just imagine that it's true. The suffereing we would have gone through if we'd had to pay. Then again, the affections of a young lady for the price of two bob and a mere scrap buttie!!!

Take a look for yourself at http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.thisisull.com/humour/img/scraps.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.thisisull.com/humour/hullnews1.html&h=164&w=140&sz=6&hl=en&start=23&tbnid=1A09l5G92yCgBM:&tbnh=98&tbnw=84&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dchips%2Band%2Bscraps%26start%3D18%26ndsp%3D18%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

You'll see a photo of some scraps there too: nostalgia!

DW

 

Scraps

Now, I imagine that many of you have never had scraps, as in chips and scraps. I bet that even fewer of you have had scraps and pea gravy. They were the stuff of life in a small Northern English town of the 1960s when we used to frequent the chip shop once or twice a week.

 

Now that I am inhabiting the nancy South of England, scraps are hard to come by. I am using a Chinese chip shop in Bicester at the moment and not only are their chips good by Southern standards but they serve huge portions: one bag of chips being enough for two or three people. Seriously, try it! Anyway, every time I go in I mention the scraps and am told they don't keep them. I then wax lyrical about them and am working on the outcome that one day they will relent and serve me with some scraps.

 

Someone in that chip shop told me last week that when they got scraps at their local chippy, they had to pay for them. Canyou believe that? Not me! As demonstrated by the Chinese, they are a waste product and the way they got into a bag of chips when I were a lad is that they were dumped into a container at the end of the frying range to be emptied into the bin once full. However, if anyone asked for scraps with their fish and chips, they got them ... FREE OF CHARGE. If no one asked for them, they were wuzzed.

 

I let it be known last week that scraps with pea gravy was a delicacy that impudent people like us used to ask for from time to time: again, completely free of charge even though they were served in a bag as in bag of chips! How about that: take a small ladle of liquid from the pan of mushy peas and add them to a bag of scraps? Marvellous! Beats chicken tikka marsala any day. I love curries, too, of course; but the old tastes can't be beaten.

 

DW

 

 

Oatcakes

If you are not Scottish or someone who likes oats, you may not appreciate oatcakes.

I am half Scottish by blood and I love oatcakes. For years I have wanted to have a go at making my own oatcakes and coming across a packet of oatmeal in the supermarket today I decided to give it a go and I am extremely glad I did.

I have eaten half of the batch of oatcakes I made with cheese and they are fantastic. I have to confess that I ate them with Brie: Somerset Brie, that is! I like the oatcakes that are sold in the shops but mine were outrageously good.

Well done Rose Elliot for including the recipe in her book!

DW

Accounting Information System

There are times when one simulcast in a day just isn't enough; but both of my blogee communities need to know the following.

 

Late last year I was contacted by a publisher in the USA asking for my permission for an author of theirs to use something from my duncanwil web site. They showed me what they wanted to use and I agreed. I didn't ask for payment, of course, but did ask for a copy of the book when it came out and yesterday it arrived!

 

Go to pages 26-27 and 28 to see what pearls they have used from my page http://www.duncanwil.co.uk/code.htm

 

By the way, this is not the first time that page has been used. A very famous academic accountant, Germaine Groer, borrowd the same page a couple of years ago and said to me that it was the best thing he'd read on coding for accountants anywhere. It also led to a very good friend of mine from over 25 years ago getting back in touch as he was looking for things on coding for some training he was doing. We chatted by email for a while and then I had my monster computer crash and I lost his email address ... Barry Clayton, please write again!!

 

Anyway, the book is by Robert L Hurt and is called Accounting Information Systems: basic concepts and current issues, published by McGraw-Hill Irwin ISBN 978-0-07-319555-1. I'm not sure when it will be generally available and I will review it on my duncawil site in a week or so, all being well. I have skimmed it already and it contains some very nice features.

 

DW

Putt's Law

Simulcast again. This time to announce that I've just heard of Putt's Law:

 

Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

DW

MENSA here I come

It's official, I'm really smart!

 

Well, you knew that anyway but now it's official!

 

When I was a late teenager, I bought a few IQ test books and found that my IQ varied according to those tests from 120 - 170. Of course, those tests weren't entirely reliable and although I tried to be honest, I'm sure I tweaked things a bit from time to time. So, let's discount the outliers from my scores: my IQ was probably nearer 170 than 120.

 

OK, OK, that's a joke, it's highly likely to be at or near 120.

 

Today I read a newsletter that sent me to someone's web site that took me to the MENSA pre membership entry test and I scored 80%. They told me I am probably eligible to be a MENSA member.

 

Thought you'd like to know that.

 

DW

The petrol saga

I managed to get some petrol yesterday morning so was able to complete my journey to Bicester.

I know you'd want to know!

DW

Petrol, what petrol?

My petrol tank was at a low ebb this morning so I needed to get it replenished first thing. No problem, things like that happen.

However, I got to the Esso station ... No petrol. I went round the corner to the Tesco station ... No petrol. I couldn't face getting embroiled in the queues to get to the BP station, so I worked from home today.

I will go out shortly to see what the story is now but modern Britain, eh?

DW

The best laid plans of ... me!

So I decided the other day to resurrect my tapes and play them in the car. I selected my favourites and carefully laid them on the front passenger seat ready for use. I would have organised them a bit better once I'd thought about how I could do that.

Then on the A34 on way to Bicester for the first time in goodness knows how many weeks or even months, I had to slow down all of a sudden. So you are being treated to what's left of the before and the definite after ... on the floor scatterd as you can see!

Why does one bother?

DW

How was it for you? Did you make an effort to see the first lunar eclipse for over three years?

I did and I took a picture of it with my phone camera and I was astonished to find that the picture turned out rather well. As you can see here.

I took the picture a few minutes after totality.

DW

Personality Test You should find this test is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.Scroll down to begin the test and record your answers on a piece of paper.Your overall score will tell you something about who you are now and not who you were in the past.There are only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question. Choose the answer you think is best or most appropriate if the perfect answer isn’t available. Finally, I don’t know who wrote this test but thank you from all of us! Ready? Begin 1 When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon &and early evening c) late at night 2 You usually walk ... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly 3 When talking to people you ... a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair 4 When relaxing, you sit with ... a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you 5 When something really amuses you, you react with ... a) big appreciative laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile 6 When you go to a party or social gathering you ... a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed 7 You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted … a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes 8 Which of the following colours do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray 9 When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are ... a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers 10 You often dream that you are ... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant POINTS: 1 (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 2 (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3 (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4 (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5 (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6 (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7 (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8 (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 9 (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10 (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up the total number of points. OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. 51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. 31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken. 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Now, this is exactly what I was talking about before. After Zara Phillips won the BBC Sport's Personality of the Year award, I said here that if only they'd thought of this before, they would have entered the Queen Mother for the same competition. I was thinking expecially of the QM as a 90+ year old just to show that all she needed to do to win the award was to be a Royal. She would have won. Now I have been vindicated as Helen Mirren has won an Oscar for something that looks like a ropey story in, at best, 'Made for TV' style. She won it by PRETENDING to be the Queen. Let's run amok now and get Charles Battenburg on one of these dancing or skating things where people of no talent but who are known by some of the population as celebrities thrown themselves into an activity that is really aimed at reviving their careers and making them loads of money. Now, Chuck doesn't need the money as he receives the equivalent of a lottery win every year of his life. He would obviously give any winnings to charity but he would win. Keep running amok and put Harry Battenburg in one of those 'Whose baby' programmes: that could really be interesting couldn't it? Add a DNA test element and we're off! Whatever the outcome Hal would win whatever was up for grabs. How about Wills Battenburg in a celebrity being dead concerned programme where the public votes off someone week by week. Put him up against other celebs who are dead concerned like Sting, George Michael, Madonna (another Queen), Angelina Jolie and Mother Theresa (I know she's met her maker but when she was alive she was concerned and now she's expired she really is dead concerned). Wills would walk it: it's his genetic ability to be dead concerned as both mother and father are or were dead concerned. Just today, Chuck, his dad, is in Dubai being concerned about children going to eat at McDonald's. See? Then put Camilla Pork Bag Bowels on one of those 'Don't wear that stuff' programmes with those women who are as hoity toity as Camilla herself. DW

Unless you're British you might think what follows is rather odd. If you're British, you know it's rather odd but then you have learned to tolerate it!

I was sent the following photographs by a friend from Romania and have to say I have no idea who owns the copyright in the pictures and have to admit that they are not mine.

The script that cam along with the pictures is: please notice that whoever wrote it did not understand the concept of the roundabout!

Crossings: practice Imagine you are driving in England, already a bit confused driving left. Then, suddenly you see this sign:

Now, what is this?

A few metres further you see this!!!!!

What a sweety! There are a few of them in England: in Swindon, Cardiff, London and Southampton. In the middle driving direction is against the direction on the outer circle. No wonder, God put these peaple on an island.

DW

If you want to find an IT based company to design, implement and host your web site: a PHP and database driven web site with lots of interesting features, let me give you a warning. Do NOT use adstockweb of Milton Keynes They are less than useful. They will take thousands of Pounds in advance then they will be late, then they will make hundreds of mistakes, many of them elementary, then their MD will get very angry with you (attack being the best form of defence in his book). Then they will ask for more money and when you challenge the additional charges and want to negotiate vis a vis their lateness and mistakes and appalling implementation, they will take you to Court. If they read this their MD will doubtless get very angry again. I don't care. We all make mistakes, we all do things badly from time to time. They are a bad advert for the IT industry. DW

A warning

I don’t do this very often and it might land me in hot water to do it but as a service to humanity here goes.

 

If you are looking for an IT partner: someone, say, to build a database driven web site and someone to help you with your email requirements, there are many companies to choose from.

 

Now, when you have an IT partner, you don’t expect them just to type out a load of php code that gives a web site that is not in the least bit interactive do you? You don’t expect to find HUNDREDS of coding errors do you? You don’t expect them to take thousands of Pounds in advance from you and then, having made all of these mistakes and having been very late on delivery, to charge you some more do you? Moreover, when you try to enter into discussions over the mistakes and lateness and you ask them to revise their charges in the light of that, you don’t expect them to take you to Court do you? You don’t then, whilst the negotiations are still under way, expect them to take down your web site and for them to place a notice for all the world to read that says that you have failed to pay your bill do you?

 

OK, in view of all of your ‘No’ answers; and bearing in mind that you would like a good and clean IT partner,

 

 

DO NOT under any circumstances approach Adstockweb of Milton Keynes

 

They may become very angry at this message if they hear about it and their managing director is a very wild character who screams in writing. He wrote at one stage to say that his people had worked overtime on our project that we had not been charged for and he KNEW that they had made just one mistake, a spelling mistake, in the entire project. When I confronted him with the hundreds of mistakes they had made, he didn’t respond. No apology, no retraction. He just carried on with his claim in the Court.

 

DW

Spelling

Another simulcast (I know it's nothing like a cast let alone a simulcast but I like the word!)

 

I went to the post office the other day to buy a postal order (remember them?) to pay for something at Companies House.

 

The young lady behind the counter dutifully advised me that there is commission to pay on postal orders which I gratefully acknowledged. Then she asked me if I would like a name to be put onto the order and I said yes, 'Companies House'.

 

She repeated 'Company House'; and I felt a sense of anguish: did she hear the singular or plural? Should I say something. I argued with myself that they must receive all sorts of oddly named cheques every day and would sort out the problem. I waited.

 

Then it arrived: a postal order for £10 plus commission of £0.88 made out to Companys House. I thought I might complain but then thought that such a cancellation of a postal order might cause the young lady a small amount of inconvenience and trouble so I moved on and said nothing.

 

Now, of course, if the thing comes back to me that could cause me and my client a problem.

 

Isn't it fantastic to be so English?

Duncan Williamson

The Language of the Medical Profession

I tried to publish this on Sunday, I SAID IT TRIED TO PUBLISH THIS ON SUNDAY. If you like big words and complicated things, then hear this. I said HEAR THIS! That's a joke, as you'll see. Went to the hospital the other week as I said and I got a copy of the letter from that quack to my GP quack that tells me that I've got a right cholesteatoma with a large aural polyp and a degree of posterior canal wall erosion. My left drum is grossly retracted posteriorly with an incudo myringostapediopexy present. There is a limited attic retraction with clearly visible limits also on the left. The right ear is fistula negative and the facial nerve function is normal. Pardon? DW

Here's one of life's top tips that you would do well to heed. When you leave the house and you are the only one living there, make sure you take the keys with you that will get you back into the house again should you, wisely, lock the house if you are wandering, say, a couple of miles away on foot and/or for a lengthy span of time, say an hour or more. What's so top tippy about this? Well, I left the house late yesterday afternoon with a bit of stress as I was running around like a baf trying to ensure that an official letter was posted along with 30 accompanying letters. I took a set of keys with me. When I got home I found the keys in my pocket and they were, erm, the car keys. I searched every pocket three or four times but could not turn the car keys into house keys. Of course, if I were a television magician I would have. In fact, if I were a television magician I wouldn't need any keys, just a powerful mind would be enough. So no one at home but the spare keys are with a neighbour and ah, good, one of their cars is in the drive. I rang their doorbell. Silence ensued. I rattled the letter box a bit. Silence ensued. Gulp! Their car was nestled up against the garage door in the way they do when they go away for days on end or even weeks. £$"!"%*", I said. I milled around: I never leave opportunities for thieves. There was no way in and I didn't want to smash anything. I called Dima: nope, his keys are with him, not in the garage or anywhere else, except his room, in London. Thoughts of a conversation I had a couple of decades ago with my mate Barry Clayton: I said, let's invent the lock that is secure but impossible for the owner/residentto be locked out by. Why didn't I stick with that thought? I didn't. OK? That lock has not been invented: well, there are palm print recognition devices now but they are expensive ... Those push button combination locks come nearest but I don't own one of them do I? I sat in the car and waited for a while. The car steamed up and I was hoping that no one would see me and invite me in to sit with them as I waited for the neighbours who were now 45 minutes or so later than normal. I almost hid myself but living where I live, there's not much chance of anyone ambling along and spotting me! After an hour of waiting and against my better judgement I called a locksmith: I knew it was going to be expensive and I put it off as long as possible. They confirmed the job when they rang me back: we'll be there within the hour. Hour and a half at the top. My heart sank: £104 per hour or part thereof plus VAT plus materials. £$"!"%*", I said. Well, sit it out with Radio 4 on the car radio for company. 30 minutes, a vehicle coming my way, the neighbour opposite. 40 minutes, a vehicle coming my way, an attractive young lady for the young lady opposite. 47 minutes, a vehicle coming in my direction: it turned around and parked in the drive of the house opposite. I was now dreading the neighbours with the keys arriving at the same time as the locksmith and slid further down in my seat. 55 minutes and a vehicle came my way, it pulled into the key laden neighbours's drive. I hurriedly looked round to see if the locksmith had arrived with them, he hadn't. Acting quickly now, I got out of the car and said, 'I've been waiting for you.' The lady looked stricken, I said 'I left the house with the wrong set of keys and I'm locked out.' She let out a gasp and said, 'I thought we'd done something wrong ... Her partner said, 'Guilt! That's the legacy of a Catholic upbringing for you!!' I got the keys and waved at their baby and exchanged a few more pleasantries. All the while heading for the house to make my call. Set my things down ... where's the mobile? Stress, doom, the expense!! Went back outside, no mobile in the car. Back inside, looking in every available pocket of trousers and coat. No mobile. Kitchen? No mobile! Nooooo! It can't be. Then it turned up in the living room, on the arm of the settee where I'd put it! I called the locksmith, the number I'd first called and told them, being brave and confident I'd told myself, that I didn't need them now as I'm in! You need to call another number ... aaagh! More time wasted. They must be just around the corner by now. I called the new number and was brave and confident again. No need ... I'm in ... Thanks anyway. Oh OK, he said, I'll tell the engineer!! Phew! Praise the Lord, I said. In my several decades I have never taken the wrong set of keys before and I can't remember ever being locked out when it was my fault so this was a trauma for me. At the end of it all and to some extent, it's not the being locked out that's painful it's the time wasting that it involves that got at me. Fortunately I didn't have a chip pan on of a tap running. So all's well that ends well and praise the arrangement of neighbours looking after each others' keys! DW

Blair v Marr

I watched Tony Blair being interviewed by Andrew Marr on the BBC this morning and I got tired of Marr's persistent rubbish.

 

I may or may not agree with Blair but why on earth did they invite him on when he kept being cut off in mid stream because Marr wasn't getting the answers he wanted? Marr had an agenda: this is true isn't it Mr Blair. Blair said, there is another opinion, you know. CHOP!

 

Mr Blair, Iraq is a disaster because there was never an exit strategy ... Blair said, you know, people are killing each other and it's not British soldiers ... there are other problems and opinions ... CHOP!

 

It's the same on the Radio 4 Today programme where the interviewers there aren't looking for balance either: they just want their interviewee to admit that they were wrong or that someone else is right so why can't they say so? If they don't then it's CHOP time.

 

Of course, I can now imagine journalists and opposition political types saying, did you see Blair squirm this morning: Marr persisted but Blair kept repeating the mantra and saying there is another opinon. Marr was right to change the subject ...

 

DW

Two jokes for accountants

Let me share with you two funnies that I got hold of yesterday.

It appears that three out of every 10 would be willing to abstain from sex for life in return for £1 million. In the same survey, the found that more men would rather sleep with David Beckham than with his wife!

Bart Simpson put accountants in his sights and came up with this: Adam and Eve were the first bookkeepers: they invented the loose leaf system.

Both quips came from the Feb 2007 edition of PQ Magazine.

DW

Churchill

I have managed to get to the end of Roy Jenkins' biography of Winston Churchill and whilst my reveiw of it will appear on my site very shortly I have to say that Jenkins was probably the wrong person to write the book and I think Churchill was not so great: severe personality problems, exceptionally poor leadership skills, dreadful inter personal communication abilities and an awful sychophancy complex.

 

Apart from that, don't forget that Churchill was voted the best Briton ever in a Radio 4 Today programme poll a year or so ago!

 

I should temper what I say by saying that Jenkins' book contains the vast majority of anything that I know about Churchil so may be being a little hasty in my assessment.

 

I'm glad I read it though and am thinking about a trip to Chartwell!

 

DW

Cameron and his nonsense

I really do despair at these people and their belittling of the rest of us.

Cameron says he is entitled to a private past: well, that's exceptionally selective isn't it as we are encouraged to learn a lot about his private past when it suits him.

Then again, there's his private present: I've never seen it except on quiz programmes; but Cameron opens up his present private life via a web camera. Now, won't that become his private past? Then imagine if someone watches that thing at some time in the future and spots a stolen painting on the wall of Cameron's living room or some such ... Cameron denies it was stolen and hides behind his private past. Or any other scenario you can imagine.

There have been massive scandals involving politicians and all sorts of other people that stem from private pasts and I strongly believe it's far better out than in.

Because he's refusing to discuss it and because he was caught on the hop when he was first confronted on this issue a couple of years ago and refused to discuss it then, I lost a lot of respect for this man. He's dug a hole for himself and for some reason insists on keeping digging.

Clot!

DW

Well, it's been a long time coming but the hounding is now beginning. It SEEMS that Bernard Matthews MIGHT have been importing infected Turkey meat when common sense says they shouldn't. The company denies it shouldn't have stopped. They said in the news that EU rules prevented the UK government from banning such imports. The newspapers are full of doom and mismanagement. I caught the strident voiced Andrew Marr on the BBC giving what fettle on this subject as I flicked to Radio 4 digital on the telly this morning!

Hey ho!

UPDATE: it's funny, this one. The government is taking the initative and may be prosecuting Bernard Matthews so the media is quiet. I can reveal exclusively, however, that these journo types are desperately digging to find some dirt on the government. There will almost certainly be a Panorama special on this issue within the next six months. Meanwhile, it's fairly quiet I'm happy to say.

DW

Following the revelation in a biography of the leader of the conservative party that he smoked cannabis as a 15 year old school boy I wrote this on the 'Have your Say' section of the BBC web site but I doubt it will be published so you can read it here:

Given the powers of cannabis, we can see that Cameron is clearly suffering from its longer term effect.

More than that, it strikes me that William Hague has a lot of explaining to do. UPDATE: Cameron has just been on the radio to say that he has done things in the pst that his is sorry for but he's not going to admit or deny anything to do with the latest revelations.

DW

Several of you have written and asked me why I've got a picture of that Triumph 2000 car on this Blog. I went to the North East last week as you know and my companion and I stopped for a short sojourn part of the way there and that Triumph parked next to my car in the mean time. I remember that model and it's in such good condition I felt the need to snap it. The driver came back as we were about to leave and he told us that it's a 1964 model. Beautiful irony: I took a picture of the car from the back end as well and only once I'd looked at the picture did I see that he'd parked the thing under a sign saying 'New Range ... '. 43 years late but it did look new! DW

Hmm, it's tempting, very tempting. Microsoft is offering a free of charge 60 day trial of its new Office 2007 software. I had taken part in their Beta trials last year and even though Outlook 2007 Beta collapsed on me in spectacular fashion, I started the trial yesterday.

I told the software to install the 2007 version completely separately from my existing 2003 version. I also kept the default do not install Outlook 2007 in tact.

The first thing I did was to take a very, very quick look at Access 2007 since that is where I am spending a lot of my time at the moment but did nothing with it. I then created a Form in Access 2003 and I found that it had overwritten my Calendar ActiveX control by installing Calendar 12.0. That then caused a problem as when I send that database to a colleague the
calendar failed to work.

I also noticed throughout the day that I seemed to be receiving a lot more junk mail than normal. This morning, the same: every junk message and I think viral message was getting through to my inbox even though I'm well covered with anti virus software and have hundreds of junk mail interventions in place (they're still there, I checked). I don't know why yet but even though I didn't install anything to do with Outlook, I think it may well have interfered with my system in some way.

I wrote to MS about the first problem and then found the second problem later.

Let's see what happens now as I did ask for feedback from these people.

DW

Last weekend they forecast snow falls for England. For once, the Met Office got it right and today we woke up to lots of snow. Now, given such warning I would have thought that our gritters and so on would have worked their magic and kept us running. Far from it: thousands of schools closed (in my day that never happened), airports closed ... is this idleness and opportunist idle people taking a chance to have an official duvet day or is it yet another lessening of services by our local authorities? Here's another thing: listening to Radio 4 this morning at around 9 am. I am working in the dining room and I play the radio via my digital telly so it's digital radio. It started to break up badly and after around 5 minutes or so it stopped completely. Hmm, I thought, that's a bother. Then I realised the problem: snow on the satellite dish. Went to the garage and got myself a brush and swept and knocked snow off the dish, switched on the radio and Bob's you Uncle again. A good job I'm tall, by the way, as the dish is around 10 or 11 feet off the ground. Someone squat wouldn't have coped without the assistance of a chair or step ladder or even hovering helicopter.

DW

Let's hear it for Romania: you might be surprised to learn some of the great things you'll see in this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSoruzRkj7g&mode=related&search

And here's my friend Lilly from Romania: we worked together for around half of 2006 in Bucharest. Lilly's an ACCA qualified accountant. I'm always impressed by people like Lilly who learn a foreign language and then pass high level qualifications in that language. She speaks French as well. Such talent!

DW

Today was one of those that Shakespeare called so foul and fair.

I met a woman at work who told me stories to make our politicians ashamed of themselves. I have railed against the likes of that odius Claire Short and the deceased Robin Cook. Pretend socialists both: one was the Foreign Secretary and the other the DFID Minister at a time when South Central Africa was suffering badly from floods, then famine and always from political instability. They nailed their colours to the anti Iraq mast in a very public way. At the same time they were, in my opinion, derelict in the
way they treated their African briefs.

What has brought this up again? The woman I met is from an African country I knew well for a while and this happened to her and her family:

Her husband was forced to flee to the UK following attempts on his life
She and their children then followed him here after having been forced to flee the arrival at their house of 14 armed murderers
Her children were followed and harassed by a Policeman from their home country on a bus ... in ENGLAND
Her mother was poisoned and died

The former consort of a late president who was a tyrant when he was alive is now living in poverty in a village: good. Her uncle, also a former murderer and henchman of that President is in relative poverty although still active in politics. This man sent his own son to a police station to deliver a written note. On the note, addressed to a policeman it said, "Shoot the bearer of this letter, my son". The policeman advised the young man to run away for his own safety.

We are not talking about Zimbabwe here either. As my contact told me, the good news from Zimbabwe is that everyone knows what is happening and people can take action against it. Where she comes from, no one outside the country knows.

What crime is this family guilty of? Being politically active in a way that the ruling party does not like. What's not to like? Well, just being a member of an opposition party, that's all. Not activists or rebel rousers: just being prepared to say you don't agree with the ruling party. So you have to die. And your spouse. And your children. And your parents.

There are some evil people around and yet the likes of Short and Cook are happier playing interfering petty politics than protecting the lives of ordinary people from countries who could be making a difference or just living a normal life.

DW

This is another simulcast: duncan's diurnal diatribe and OxBowBusiness Blog.

Well, bad news: avian flu has finally arrived in the UK. Apparently, vets are worried at how it appeared in a high security environment; the Bernard Matthews turkey farm in Norfolk. Someone on the radio said this morning that they had expected to find it in a tin pot little organic poultry farm
somewhere.

Let me predict now, before anyone else gets ranting in the newspapers, that we are about to face a sickening set of reports and accusations that will end up with Prime Minister Tony Blair being held personally responsible. Vets will be accused of hiding the truth. Farmers wil be accused of knowingly selling infected birds. Large farmers will be compensated handomely and well before small farmers, if compensation is payable at all.

We had the avian flu scare last year and the best we could do was to find a dead wild swan in Scotland. Now things really have taken a turn for the worse and no one was ready.

Be ready now for the nonsense onslaught of typical UK newspaper based comment and opinion that means and signifies absolutely nothing.

End of rant!

DW

The history of the pie must surely revolve around Britain. In a pub
restaurant in Chester le Street in County Durham I came across the story of the oldest known meat pie: from 52 BC.

I checked that story and was led to this site where the story is confirmed: http://matthew.mumford.com/Pie-of-the-Day.htm

Pie History Since the dawn of time, the pie has been central to the evolution and survival of man. The earliest recorded evidence of the pie was found on Bodmin Moor, Cornwall, dating back to the year 52 BC. It was a huge example found (encased in mud) by a hitch hiker from Dumfries just by the turning for the A38 to Liskeard. This find later became known as "The Meat Beast of Bodmin Moor".

Archaeologists commenced on a huge voyage into the past, searching out other historic pies.

Several exciting discoveries have been made around the globe.

In China, on the border of Hong Kong, a party unearthed a bean spout & bicycle wheel pastry capable of feeding a whole village.

And in Egypt, where civilised man built the pyramids and used toilets, a
hieroglyphic covered pie dish was discovered next to the tomb of the pharaoh King Getifa.

True? You'd better believe it.

DW

You may notice that it looks as if all posts on the blog are coming from someone or something called OxBowBusiness. I am the joint own and manager of OxBowBusiness but every posting here is coming from me as a private individual. What's happened is that I have lumped my three blogs together under one heading within Blogger. Blogger said it's good for one. If I'd known it would have changed my identity I wouldn't have "upgraded" to their latest version. It's not serious because this blog is just a diary, a bit of fun; and here for the greater benefit of mankind. UPDATE I solved that problem and all posts have my name on them: I learned how to do that accidentally and I hope you have noticed my NEW LAYOUT. DW

Guess where I went yesterday. I went back to Sunderland for the first time since 1993. Of course, a huge amount of the city is exactly the same as it was then but there are many changes: the stadium of light (see below) the university buildings on the Wear shopping centres across the Queen Alexandra bridge ... Here are some snaps what I took, including one of a house I used to live in. I bought some genuine pease pudding from Ibbitson's in Jacky White's Market! Delicious it is too.

Then again, I really went up there to go to a meeting in Chester le Street: here's a pub sign for you:

Through an article in the Economist, I am playing around with some of the things I am finding there. What follows is a link to a PodCast on Web 2.0.

People are doing some very interesting things with Web 2.0 I think and let's see if the following link works as it should.

UPDATE: simply emailing the link didn't work so here I am manually! It didn't work manually either so I wrote a comment on the netvibes page and maybe someone can advse me. I did use another netvibes link on my oxbow site and that worked. It could be a blogger/netvibes conflict problem.

DW

A Film

I am easily confused as far as films are concerned. If ever a film hasflashbacks in it I have enormous bother sometimes trying to unravel today with yesterday or last year or whenever it was that they flashed back to.

That's partly by the way! I watched half of the film The Departed the other day and was absolutely confused because it stars both Leonardo diCaprio and Matt Damon. I find these two chaps so similar that I have to confess that I sat on the edge of reason for the entire film working out who was working with Jack Nicholson and who was trying to jail him!

Well, I didn't see the entire film because the DVD was either corrupt or it contained only the first hour of the thing. Wonder what happened in the end then?

A Database

I have been working on a product cost system for years now but recently I took a decision to put it into database form rather than in spreadsheet form. I have made really good progress in learning how to program the database but one thing had me flummoxed ... Until now.

I am getting ready for a presentation to a potential client for Thursday and was determined to program the stock sheets. For some reason I just couldn't get this bit to work. I know spreadsheets well and can program advanced things (apart from VBA). I used what I knew about =sum() in Access but it just didn't work. I've got three good books and the Help Files and still it wouldn't work.

Until I put the function in this format =sum([units received]).

That did it.

As I was about to get into bed last night I had another epiphany: I saw the way forward to the departmental cost schedule. I think. I am about to try that now.

Well done!

DW

Marmite Crisps and Mushy Peas!

Time passes but every now and again something comes along that causes pause!

Marmite Crisps

How about this: Marmite flavoured crisps (that's crisps not chips). After I have posted this message the lazy way, via email, I will log in to blogger to upload a photo of a bag of Marmite crisps. It's not really in the nature of a free advert for the manufacturer as I see it more as a service to humanity rather than a fee advert.

Mushy Peas

Now everyone should know what mushy peas are: they are peas that are, erm, well, mushy! Dried marrowfat peas steeped (soaked) overnight with a little baking powder (don't use bicarbonate of soda on its own as a steeping agent or your pease will taste horrible). Change the water in the morning, get the water up to a softly rolling boil (above simmer but less than the full monty), set the alarm for 10 minutes and by the end of those 10 minutes, you will have a batch of God's own food, manna or even nectar.

Mushy peas are a traditional accompaniment at a Northern English Chip Shop but not all Pansy Southern Chip Shops sell them. Pies and peas are a delicacy: even in Australia they eat what they call a pie float, a bowl of mushy peas with a pie floating on them. Bonzer cricket, bonzer peas, mate!

I had some mashed potatoes and onion gravy left over so that was my dish of the day yesterday. Of course, even a mushy pea gannet like me can't eat an entire batch on my own so today I'll have pie and peas, a pie float. In my case, a vegetarian pie but none the worse for that. I probably won't have any chips, (that's chips not fries) in view of the weight I need to lose on account of pigging out over the last six months or so.

As with the Marmite crisps, there will be a photo of my erstwhile mushy peas here before long!!

DW

After a very wet Winter so far, today is lovely, sunny and dry so for the first time in a long time I have washed my car.

No, I feel a lot better for having done that and I'm sure you feel a whole lot better for knowing that.

DW

This is a joint blog post as I am posting it simultaneously to my own blog and to the OxBowBusiness blog.

There are times when it pays to listen to advice. I was brought up in the West Riding of Yorkshire whose motto was audi consilium: I listen to good advice.

A web site that many readers of this site will know and use offers a lot of good services and products: both free and for payment. What they do not do well is control or assure their quality. Several of the things they publish are wrong. Of course, we all make mistakes but how we deal with being told about mistakes says a lot about us: how we use our emotional intelligence.

Whenever I find mistakes in my own and others' work I like to help by sorting out the problem. Tell me I've made a mistake and I'll check it and correct it if appropriate. Don't we all do this when we want to be helpful?

In an education discussion forum, at the Times Educational Supplement site (www.tes.co.uk), you can see that someone (Honest John) wrote to the web master of the other site and s/he received abuse in return. John pointed out that in one quiz of just ten questions, at least seven of the answers given were either wrong or that the question was ambiguous. John was told that they probably lacked knowledge and experience so the web master would post some links to some of their other resources that would help them. John gave a specific example of where they used the word forecast throughout the quiz when they really meant budget. Clearly the person making the comment understood the problem, was able to deal with it but know that an uncertain or weak student would worry. A budget is a financial or quantitative plan for the future. A forecast is a prediction based on fact or fancy. A forecast may become a budget. A budget is not necessarily a forecast. And so on.

My view is that any decent management accounting teacher will make the distinction between a forecast and a budget because examiners ask questions about the differences and because there are differences.

Anyway, at OxBowBusiness we pride ourselves both on the quality of our work and on our ability to cope in an intelligent way when someone points out a mistake we might have made.

As a matter of interest, having followed this story I went to the other site and looked at the quizzes that were being discussed. I can't say that I found all of the errors that Honest John was claiming but I did find a significant number and have prepared a quiz with the right answers AND the reasoning behind my answers for anyone who has a problem with them. Go to the OxBowBusiness web site, click on the quiz menu item and find your way to accounting and then management accounting. Go to http://www.oxbow.org.uk/php/index.php

DW

Dumplings ... Ah! Dumplings

You cannot beat a good dumpling.

Now, the Chinese cook dumplings as part of some of their excellent cuisine; but what does anyone but someone from th North of England know about the fineries of a suet dumpling? That was a rhetorical question. Here's my recipe for simple and straightforward recipe for a few dumplings:

100 grammes of self raising flour 50 grammes of vegetarian suet Cold water to mix to a stiff dough (I always find that the exact amount needed varies according to the water content of the flour) Salt and any other flavourings you like (eg pepper, chopped parsley)

Mix the lot together and if it is dry, add a bit more water; if it's too sloppy, add some more flour and suet in the 2: 1 proportion. You don't need to beat this mixture and I use a fork to turn it over for a couple of minutes. Use your hands if you like instead.

Let the mix stand for 10 - 20 minutes before using it. Then shape the dough into golf ball sized pieces and place them on top of a stew that you will be cooking in a covered pan or pot for a further 15 - 20 minutes. These dumplings should swell quite a bit and will be lovely and moist and open textured.

Please note, suet dumplings are BEST if cooked in the oven and if you cook them in the oven, do so on the top of a stew in a covered dish for around 45 - 60 minutes to ensure the dumplings are fantastically swollen, moist, open textured, golden brown and crispy.

Note the vegetarian suet in the recipe: that's because I'm a veggie. There is beef suet, too, if you are an animal muscle eater.

Now, I am using a new method to post this message and am trying to attach some photographs of my latest batch: as it came out of the oven and then shortly after I'd eaten some of them. It should be obvious which is which.

DW

Clowns arrive at the circus

Don't you just know when a clown arrives in the circus ring? Welcome George Osborne!

Osborne is the Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer of the UK: a member of the Conservative Shadow Cabinet.

Last weekend this clown went to Uganda and spent the weekend in a village outside Kampala. He came back and went straight from the airport to the BBC Radio 4 Today programme studio to be interviewed by an unsuspecting John Humphrys. I can't think why he bothered.

He blustered into the studio and said that if he became Chancellor after the next election he would spend £500 miilion of our money eradicating Malaria. Yes, Malaria is a sub Saharan Africa curse and yes it needs to be eradicated.

This clown's logic was to provide nets for everyone to sleep under and to provide medicines to cure anyone who catches the dread disease. His further logic was that since everyone would then be well all of the time, productivity would rise and infant mortality would fall. Laudable, Coco, laudable.

What this clown failed to do was to follow this logic:

Where does Malaria come from? Oh, from a certain kind of female Mosquito (the Anopheles) How are the Mosquito allowed to flourish as they do? Oh, it's because of the vast amounts of still and stagnant water that lies all over Africa in the rainy season where the insects breed without let or hindrance So if you control the breeding grounds you control the disease? Yes

If you control the mosquito, you control the disease and then you don't need to cure anyone. Does that mean by controlling the insect and the disease you control things for ever; but if you buy nets and medicines to cure people you need to keep doing that for ever because the Mosquito will continue to thrive, nets will rip, tablets need to be replaced once consumed? Yes, yes, yes ...

By the way, Coco, there is as yet no cure for Malaria other than prevention. This is well known by anyone who has spent more than a weekend in an African village. Moreover, these insects don't just bite at night so nets might help a bit but not all of the time.

Another question sprang to my mind: why did the Shadow Chancellor take this jolly, sorry fact finding trip? After all, shouldn't it at least have been the Shadow Foreign Secretary? Ah, I see, the Shadow Foreign Secretary is the Clown in Chief, William "Billy the Beer" Hague. Good point: no point sending him as he would start by trying to forge a political alliance between warring factions in South America or Europe or somewhere before starting on the African Malaria problem. That alliance would be scheduled to come into effect in, say, 2012 or so ... forget Coco in Chief then. So that should have left the Shadow International Development: erm, who's that? Who knows? Oh!

More misery scheduled for Africa then.

Finally, Coco, take a look at a bit of African history and you will see that THEY USED TO control the Malaria by controlling the Mosquito by controlling the lying water.

These stupid people get on my nerves but there will be countless jollies as these clowns set up yet more circus rings in a trusting and unsuspecting Africa.

DW

Politics

British politics is hitting rock bottom at the moment. Two things stick out at the moment

Criminals not on a database The HNS

We have had yet another Civil Service type scandal as 27,000 criminal records were allowed to sit in various offices and not be entered into the Police database. The upshot being that hundreds of serious criminals were walking the streets and in spite of criminal records checks, could have gone back into the situations where they were putting the public at risk. It really is incompetence of the highest level. The Opposition's response to all of this? Did anyone tell lies about what they knew and when they know it: not, note how to solve the problem and so on.

Sir Gerry Robinson is a wandering business man who was given the job at Rotherham Hospital of reducing waiting times for patients. This was a fascinating programme that showed things in a warts and all perspective. A fascinating insight into decision making in a large organisation. One thing that struck me was that there is a culture of people saying, 'this could only happen in the NHS'; and 'in the NHS ... '. Such sentiments are nonsense and Robinson did demonstrate that solutions to all problems are possible. What is important, he found, is that people talk to each other, leaders lead, managers manage and anyone can have a good idea to solve problems.

Why is the NHS programme a political issue? Well, we now know some of the problems and their solution and yet these lessons will not be generally learned and politicians will be the last to learn them.

Finally, the NHS initiative came from the Open University and you can read more on their web site at www.open2.net

End of mini rant.

DW

Is it me?

I don't wish to speak ill of the dead but I listened to a programme on Radio 4 yesterday on Diana Dors. I know, it shows my age; but she was a Britsh actress from the 1950s and onwards. There were things about her that I didn't know before such as that she died when she was only 53 years old.

However, sex symbol? She was, shall we say, plump. Blonde bombshell? Excuse me, it was bleach blonde. She had a marvellous voice? Erm, only with lots of echo behind it. She was a marvellous actress? So she said!

Forgive me and I know there are greater things to worry about but I felt the need to share it with you.

DW

Puzzle of the year 2

The spoon in the ice cream trick ... how was it done? Leave a 20 year old lad alone in the house for a while. He will NEED and so take the ice cream from the freezer and being completely unable to scoop out what he needs, he will take the entire container into the living room and loll by the fire. As he is entranced by whatever is on the television, he will leave the spoon in the ice cream and will leave the ice cream in front of the fire. After a while he MIGHT appreciate that the ice cream really needs to be back in the freezer. He MIGHT have seen the spoon at the bottom of the container and will probably raise an eyebrow at the very idea of such a thing having happened. He will then be totally unable either to dirty his hands by removing the spoon; or to work out how to remove the spoon A perfectly true story with the answer written with an air of impudence on my part and a massive amount of truth on the other part! DW

Fwd: Happy new year

Did I tell you that I found and repaired the water/coolant leak that has beleagured my car for absolutely ages? I did and it cost me just £7 and a bit of effort to do it.

 

Did I tell you that I found and repaired the petrol leak that has beleagured my car for absolutely ages? I did and it cost me nothing: just had to tighten two circlips. Marvellous.

 

Happy new year to everyone, by the way as I think I forgot to say that before.

 

DW

Puzzle of the Year This will knock your socks off. Take a look at the picture and suggest how the spoon you can see at the bottom of the ice cream could possibly have got where it is. Please note, this is one of our sppons and we didn't just take the ice cream out en masse, drop the spoon in and then put the ice cream back. Oh no! Much less rational than that. Answers to the usual address and I'll reveal the answer in a day or two. DW

Standard Costing Variances Frankie from Canada asked me to have a crack at writing a page about standard costing sales variances so I did. Not the stuff you read in modern books but good old fashioned stuff on how it really works. I used a book from 1966 to help me! It comes as a pdf file in the form of a presentation. www.duncanwil.co.uk/pdfs.html is where you need to go. Then look under the cost and management section of the menu. Marvellous DW

Yorkshire ... Sorry there have been no uploads of my stunning videos yet but I've been away! I went home to the town of my birth to celebrate the family matriarchal birthday: sister Carol, that is. There is a video for that too and that is being uploaded as we speak. It's DVD quality and is large. It will only be there for a while as I don't have an infinite amount of web space to go at unfortunately. An interesting diversion came when 1 the car overheated 2 son Andrew arrived at Todmorden railway station with a Buddhist priest in tow The car is losing coolant at a rapid rate now and is in need of repair. By the end of my 185 mile drive from Abingdon to Halifax (where sister Susan and her family resides and where I lay my bonce!) the engine was overheating a little bit. Andrew trotted over from Salford (where he is at University) for the birthday party and we'd arranged for me to collect him from the railway station. He called to say he'd arrived and asked if I could take someone to Dobroyd Castle. It's not a bother so I said yes. It turned out that he'd met a Buddhist priest at the exit to the station who'd just arrived from Malaysia and was going to Dobroyd Castle for a retreat. Now, I didn't know that Dobroyd Castle was a Buddhist centre and has been for at least 10 years apparently. Still, I got to drive up to the castle (engine overheated again as I had failed on two separate occasions that evening to top up the coolant) and, more than that, got to go inside, something I had never done before: an impressive building that is still in good repair as far as I can see and was warmer than I thought it might be given the size of the hall way and the rooms. I should point out for anyone who has never spotted this sort of thing but these old mansions have fire places all over them: in this case, a fire in the entrance lobby; another one in the hall; at least another one would have been in what is now the mediation room ... Hence the need for a fire place maid. Keeping as many as 20, 30 ... 60 fires going must have been necessary at some times and that would have been a full time job! Had a marvellous time and the following day we took another walk round Halifax and the Piece Hall. Andrew needed a hair cut and we trolled him off to the £3 hair cut barber where they did the decent thing for him. There is an ice rink in the Piece Hall at the moment. What's the Piece Hall you might ask ...It's where weavers and traders would take their pieces of wool and worsted cloth for sale towards the end of the eighteenth and into the nineteenth centuries. If ever you're near Halifax, it's worth taking a detour to take a look round it. The original building is still there in its entirety as far as I know and the various rooms are now home to all sorts of diversions. Thursday evening saw me visiting sister Fiona and enjoying a good cup of tea with her and her family. Then on to Kipling's Indian restaurant in Bradford for an excellent curry with sister Susan and her husband Neville. Another winner, recommended by Andrew who had to return to Salford as we tucked in! We turned up without a reservation and had to wait around 45 minutes but it was worth it. It is a small and popular place to eat. Ready for new year now although I've got to file my income tax return today and have to catch up with lots of other things too. DW

Videos made by me ... Every now and again I get an urge to try to be creative. I do this using a camera and some image maniuplation software. Since my video camera is kaput I am using my new 3.2Mpx phone camera and my 5.3Mpx digital camera to do my work. What I am doing it walking around with a particular aim in mind:

• trees in relief either at dawn or dusk
• Abingdon at Christmas
• the A34 (I know ... why on earth ... ?)

Then I put the entire batch of files through Ulead software and turn a series of snaps into a semi aninated film that has titles, overlays and a backing track. Marvellous! Three files are ready to share and you will be the first to know when I have uploaded them. Size matters of course and I have prodiced a DVD standard version of one file that comes to over 120Mb in size. I won't be uploading that I don't think! Let's enjoy Christmas now. DW

My first time ... This is the first time I have ever logged on to the internet on Xmas Day I think ... and after wishing everyone merry christmas I'd like to say that I spent a successful day yesterday avoiding the result of Strictly Come Dancing, a patheric programme on BBC television in which people described as celebrities learn to dance with people described as professional terpsichorists. We are then invited to gawp at them in awe. Through force of circumstances I watched a few of these a year or two ago and found the following:

• these people don't do badly if you like that sort of thing but who wants to watch it?
• the panel of judges are psycholically interesting subjects
• the audience hoots and bawls at every score given to every couple

Anyway, it's a knockout process and on Saturday they held the final. What I managed to avoid is the result. You won't believe it but this result made headline mainstream BBC news on the telly. Luckily, they they gave warnings that they were about to tell us the result and since remote controls have been invented I was able to press the button sufficiently quickly. Well done! DW

Just in time for Christmas ... I feel you need to know that after paying my mortgage without let or hindrance for five and a half years I came to realise that I have effectively lost £21,000 (around US$40,000) in wasted payments. That is purely from an historical cost convention perspective of course: taking the present value of money into account and it's a lot more. How come? Well, I thought I had an endowment mortgage with an interest only element. It's true that I've got an interest only element but what I thought was an endowment policy turns out to be a very, very expensive life assurance policy. At this stage I am just too shell shocked at this to ask how I got into this situation; but in it I am! The effect of this? I have paid the interest element of the mortgage every month for the five and a half years without fail and what I owed in 2001 I still owe with no diminution whatsoever. As for the endowment element, I have paid this without fail month after month and not only will this give me absolutely no return whatsoever at any stage apart from my death or the death of that woman who is about to leave my life but also the amount it will pay out is reducing as time passes. Can't believe it can you? Me neither. It seems that when I pop my clogs and they have to pay out, they won't even pay out the full amount either in spite of the massive payments I am making. I was caught a few years ago by these people but fortunately the amount of money involved then was relatively small. This time, I have lost five years' worth of payments and you can see the impact of it. Yours in sanguinity DW

A Christmas Carol After a couple of very disappointing Carol services I decided to spread my wings and ended up in the University Church of St Mary the Virgin in the High Oxford. I am very glad that I went along last Sunday to their Carol Service: in fact, the service of nine lessons and carols. I sometimes put together a response to a happy event by writing a commentary as if I were an eight year old. I have done the same again for this service and I hope whoever reads it will receive it in the spirit in which is was written. --oo0oo-- A nice carol service I went to the big church in Oxford on Sunday to sing happy birthday to Jesus. Well, we didn't sing happy birthday really but daddy said it was the same thing. There were lots of people in the church and I really liked that because the singing was louder and better. I can read now but there were some things I didn't get. They said that there would be a trollope reading us a story but I thought she looked very nice and smart. I think it wasn't kind to say that Joanna was a trollope. Mr Mountford the vicar wasn't busy either. He put on a big shiny coat and said hello to everyone but then he just sat down all night until he said goodbye to us all. Daddy said he must be a good manager to get away with that. He said to mummy something like make the money work for you. I didn't get it though. I love all of these Carols and am really happy that God was able to write them for us. The stories we heard were a bit odd weren't they because they weren't all about Jesus and the manger and the donkey. Daddy said I'll understand one day. A man called Professor told us one story and daddy said it would have been better if his name had been Stephen instead of Richard. Then he would be called S Pring. I didn't get it but daddy laughed. I liked his silver hair. It's like my grandads hair. Mrs Mountford read us the first story about Jesus and daddy said, keep it in the family Vicar. The handbells were lovely and I have asked Santa to get me a set now. Daddy said you'll be lucky. I hope so! I liked the way the boys all looked very serious when they were ringing their bells. They don't look so serious at school do they? Why did we only clap when the children did something? I wanted to clap when the choir sang but daddy said it's their job so best to keep quiet and not to make a fuss. Mummy said it's because he's from the North. I didn't get that. When we sang o come al ye faithful I did something scary. I sang o come let us adore him all three times every time. I didn't like that Herod man in the stories because he frightened me. Daddy said don't worry as it was all a long time ago and Jesus beat Herod anyway. That was the best carol service I have been to and I'm only eight. I liked the vicar's coat best and I also liked singing once in royal david's city especially when the choir sang the first part. That's why I wanted to clap. --oo0oo-- Well done everyone! Duncan Williamson